


Hunger Games: Rise Of The Phoenix

by orphan_account



Series: Hunger Games AU: Golden Wings [3]
Category: GOT7, JJ Project, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hunger Games Setting, Bows & Arrows, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Drug Withdrawal, Emotional Manipulation, Fights, Hunger Games-Typical Death/Violence, Implied/Referenced Underage Prostitution, Love, M/M, Romance, Separated Lovers, True Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-04-18
Packaged: 2019-10-28 12:54:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 69,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17787785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Jinyoung awakens each day to a new reality and a new chance to change the world around him. Though he is devestated, battered and torn he finds strength to begin again. They took everything from him so he would become the fire to take them down. The ashes would be the grounds for a new fire. The fire that could not be put out.The rebellion has a hero, the rebellion has a savior. His fire is their hope. His hope is in those he loves.





	1. Missing Piece

_My dear, don’t forget  
My unstoppable love_

_It’s okay even if it’s a little late_  
If it’s destiny  
We will meet again 

—————

Jinyoung woke up crying, again... 

It seemed to happen every single time he woke up. Every time he shut his eyes he only remembered the darkness, he only remembered hands around his throat and the pain. The reality of the things he had endured sunk deep and he re-lived them in the night. It wasn’t new to him, nightmares, yet somehow they were more potent than ever before. He knew why…

Because he was alone.

"Jinyoung," a voice called and footsteps came towards him. 

He knew who it was. There weren't many of them who were confined against their will to the medical wing. He couldn't hide from anyone where they were, no matter how much he wanted to. Seokjin was always the one who came alongside him and tried to help him. But Seokjin wasn’t enough, no one would ever be enough after what he had lost. He cried as a hand patted his back, he laid with his face forward, as he tried to hide his face from all those who didn’t understand.

"We should sedate him," he knew the nurse’s harsh voice, "he's disturbing the other patients." He’d heard her say the same things so many times. She never was patient, she never cared for him like he’d expect someone in medicine to. He hated being locked up in the hospital. It was like a prison, where they treated him like he was nothing.

"Well you're disturbing me lady but I don't threaten to sedate you," a voice called from two doors down. He knew it was Taeyeon. She was always sticking up for him in the horrible place they were confined to.

When they had arrived in district 13, those who had been wounded in the arena breakout had been handed over to the medical ward for treatment. Due to their various injuries, Jinyoung, Taeyeon, and Jin were all told they needed time in intensive care to recover. Jinyoung had it the worst off since the nurses had no patience for his nightmares. It was worse than dealing with his dad after his first games.

Jin tried to help him, but Jin wasn't Jaebum, he didn't know how to.

Jaebum was gone...

Jaebum wasn't coming back...

He had been left behind. 

Jinyoung hadn't been able to save him in the end, Jinyoung failed. He buried his head against his pillow to muffle his sobs. Panic always turned to tears before long. The nightmares turned from fear to sorrow so quickly. Sorrow seemed to be all he had left, because every time he woke up he found himself without the strong arms that used to hold him close. He felt cold, scared, alone even though he knew he was far from alone.

"Stay away from him," Jin said to someone with a commanding voice. It probably the nurses. Jinyoung didn’t care what they did but Jin seemed to lack any sort of trust towards them.

"Don't tell us how to do our job," a woman stated, "you are a patient here as well, return to your stall." 

Jinyoung knew Jin wouldn’t let them near him. He didn’t feel any fear from them. They were just doing what they thought was best given the nature of his injuries and trauma. "We're not animals," Jin responded, "and you have no idea what he's been through."

It had only been a few days, a few days of hell. 

District 13 turned out to be more elaborate than anyone could have predicted. It was entirely below ground. All grey, all uniform. Everyone wore boring grey jumpsuits and Jinyoung hadn't seen anyone but nurses, Jin, and Taeyeon for days. Apparently once admitted to the hospital wing in District 13, patients were forced to stay until they passed a five fold medical evaluation. They were also not allowed outside visitors due to an outbreak of illness a few years prior.

He understood their caution, but he wanted to see Youngjae. He wanted to see his family. Being told they were safe was different than looking at them, seeing them with his eyes. He needed it confirmed, because it was torture not fully knowing.

"Jinyoung," Jin's voice spoke softly, "just breathe, you'll be okay." Jin was always careful with the words he spoke, gentle in understanding how to speak when no words could fix the situation. Jin had experience with tributes going through the trauma, and the loss.

Jin sang him to sleep that evening like he had the past two nights that he had woken up the same.

The day would hold new things, because he would be evaluated for release again. Maybe then he could see his brother and Mark again. Then he could try to reclaim some normalcy. He didn’t know what was possible but he knew he had to keep going. Something inside him wouldn’t let him give up just yet.

—————

Mark paced back and forth outside the medical wing as he waited. He had been called up to receive Jinyoung because the younger boy had been deemed healthy and able to be discharged. The female tribute who had brought down the arena dome was also being discharged. Another man had come the the medical wing, Mark recognized him from the games and knew who he was. 

"Hi," Mark greeted,”I’m Mark, you here to pick someone up or go in?” He didn’t know much about the tributes, but he was interested in them. Their plan had been what had saved Jinyoung in the end.

"Jackson," the man responded with his name, "and yeah, I’m escorting Taeyeon to her family’s quarters. Are you here for someone as well?”

"Yeah, Jinyoung," Mark said., Hehe didn't feel a need to indicate much more. He knew that Jackson knew exactly what had happened, and likely how Jinyoung reacted aswell. Mark had only heard a few words about it, Jackson had actually been on the hovercraft when Jinyoung had found out about Jaebum.

"How is he?" Jackson asked.

"I haven't see him in days," Mark responded, "so I don't know. They let me see him when they first took him off the sedatives to help keep him calm. But since then no visitors allowed, I'm sure you get it." 

"Yeah," Jackson said, "I get it."

He looked away from Jackson and towards the hall to see Jinyoung walking out in his simple grey jumpsuit. His eyes were just as empty as they were the last time Mark had seen him, but he watched them go cold when his gaze settled on Jackson. The latter shifted uncomfortably and didn’t meet Jinyoung's gaze. They clearly didn't get along and Mark didn’t really have to wonder why.

Mark put his arm around Jinyoung but Jinyoung remained stiff, he didn’t return the gesture or lean into him. Still, it was all Mark knew how to do considering how bad off he knew Jinyoung would be. He would be gentle and patient with him like Jaebum had always told him to be. 

He hadn’t been prepared for how it would hurt to lose Im Jaebum. They hadn’t been friends but he’d become a part of all of their lives by being a part of Jinyoung’s.

“President Chae Ri-na has requested an audience with you,” Mark said, “I was told to tell you as soon as you were released.” 

Since arriving at 13, Mark had adjusted to the peaceful way of life well. Every citizen had a voice but things were orderly and strict to keep those voices from becoming too individualistic. It took adjustment to be like them but Mark found he liked it. He liked feeling like he had a purpose when his jobs were assigned based on what was deemed good for the collective. He liked that no one had more than anyone else, everything seemed so fair.

“You don’t have to yet, if you don’t want to. I was just told to tell you,” Mark added. Jinyoung would be given all the time he needed by them, that was what Mark was told. They wanted Jinyoung to recover before they asked anything of him.

“I don’t want to go,” Jinyoung responded.

Mark assumed that would be the case. Jinyoung seemed worse off than when he first came back from the games. He walked alongside Mark with a dead expression in his eyes. Mark knew why, it wasn’t a mystery what had gone wrong for him. Time didn’t help on the short term, it would take a long time for things to get better for him.

Mark brought Jinyoung down to the mid levels of the compound where the living quarters were. Jinyoung would be staying with his father and brother in their own unit which had two beds. Everything else in District 13 was communal. They did value their community above all but Mark noticed other things. The people of District 13 valued fitting in, quietness and nothing outlandish. The capitol people that had come were having a hard time adjusting to all of it. It was very much a grey sort of lifestyle the people of the district lived and Mark wondered if it was from lack of sunlight.

“Here is your place,” he opened the door to let Jinyoung in. Youngjae and his father were out since they had duties to fulfill. If someone didn’t have a steady job they were assigned tasks each day. Mark had told the officials that Jinyoung’s father had medical experience but they had ignored it and placed him in another area.

Youngjae had been placed in a role of helping watch the children. He was getting quite mature for being almost 14, Mark knew he would be growing soon. He’d shoot up right before their eyes before long. He handled what happened to 12 and the move to 13 as well as Mark could have ever expected. It wasn’t an easy thing for them to face but they did what they had to. They’d survived and they knew that was something they could be thankful for.

“I live 3 units away,” Mark said, “I hadn’t been assigned anyone till today. I was also released from my duties for the day, I’m supposed to show you around and give you a rundown of what life is like here. We go for food in 2 hours, almost everyone in the compound will come and go from the cafeteria during that time. Youngjae will probably be up there so we’ll meet up with him then.” Jinyoung nodded and slid into his bed.

“I just want to sleep,” Jinyoung mumbled.

“Fine,” Mark responded, “I’ll come back and wake you in 2 hours.” 

Jinyoung nodded in acknowledgment and closed his eyes without saying anything more. 

Mark knew he shouldn’t take it personally, so he wasn’t hurt by Jinyoung ignoring him. It just hurt knowing he couldn’t help. Mark didn’t know what to do. Jaebum always had an easy time reaching him but Mark never did. Jinyoung had walls up against him and the rest of his family.

Jinyoung had walls against everyone else since before losing Jaebum. Now it seemed like those walls were higher and stronger than ever and Mark wondered if releasing him early was a good idea. He probably needed more medical care than he’d been given. He may have been physically fine after their treatments, but they had clearly done nothing for him mentally. He was reverting back to what he had done before.

The cold silence, emptiness. 

That was how he had been when he had first come from the games. Mark knew where that led, because Mark had watched the games and Jinyoung’s admission to how he had wanted to take his own life. Mark knew Jaebum had been the one to save him.

Jaebum had given his life to save him again.

Mark walked to his own unit and began to cry, because Jinyoung had never deserved any of this. He didn’t know what to do to save his friend. He had a hard time reaching him. That didn’t mean he would give up. He would keep trying. He would make sure he was there for Jinyoung no matter if the younger boy ignored him.

—————

Jinyoung had a nightmare where he was pointing a bow at Jaebum. Where his arms were stuck and he couldn’t move them away. He couldn’t stop the arrow from flying and hitting Jaebum’s heart—

He woke up from the shock of it in panic, breathing ragged and fast. The room he was in was all grey, drab and cold. He counted down to try and break himself from his panic and as he did he and remembered where he was. He was trapped below ground without Jaebum. 

He was alone.

Alone with his tears and pain.

He reached in his pocket to take out the drugs the nurses had given him. He hadn’t liked them the first time they had forced him to take them, or the second time… but they injected him with the substance regardless when he wouldn’t listen. They left him numbed down, unfeeling to a point where he couldn’t panic and he felt nothing through the haze. That didn’t really stop the pain he felt. His heart pounded in his chest because he wanted it to stop.

Jinyoung threw the bottle at the wall of the cold room. He didn’t want their solutions, he wanted to turn back time to the arena. He wanted to change the past and hold on a little tighter so they had no choice but to bring Jaebum when they picked him up. His weakness was always that he could never hold on to Jaebum as tightly as Jaebum held him. He wanted to change the outcome, change what had happened. That bastard had chosen to leave Jaebum behind and Jinyoung had done nothing to stop it. He hadn’t been able to hold on tight enough and he hadn’t been able to fight hard enough to get them to go back.

He threw his hands against the wall and then did it again and again . Pounding to distract himself from the feelings that coursed through him. He felt hands grabbing his arms and holding him back. People always tried to hold him back from what he wanted.

“Jinyoung stop it!” Mark’s voice spoke in his ear, “stop it.” He didn’t want to stop but he knew he had no choice. Mark was always stronger than him. Mark turned him around and he buried his face in the elders chest.

He fought to hold in the tears, to hold his breath so he wouldn’t lose it. Everything was almost too much for him but he was still in control. He could still do this. He owed it to everyone who had fought for him not to fall apart.

Jin had told him everything they had done to save him. The plot had always been to get Jinyoung out even at the cost of their own lives. Everyone had been given game pieces and had taken their roles seriously. So the pawns died as they were meant to. 

The only pawn that had lived was Taehyung.

They had all planned on dying for him if that was what it took. He didn’t want that... He had never wanted people dying for him. He wanted them to live. To live for him, to stay with him. Why did they always get it wrong? Sacrifice wasn’t the only way. 

People needed to cling to life, not throw themselves in the line of fire for him. It wasn’t over but he wanted it to be. He remembered what BamBam had said, that it had never just been all about him. That they saved him for something greater. He’d been told they didn’t just die for him, but that was what it felt like. Overwhelming loss and guilt for being alive after what they’d all sacrificed. 

“Please don’t leave me,” Jinyoung begged Mark. He wanted Mark to stay with him, to hold onto him and to never die for him. Because if Jinyoung had someone’s arms around him maybe he could find peace. Maybe he could pretend for a moment Jaebum was still there. Maybe he could still breathe.

“I’ll always be here Jinyoung,” he said. He likely didn’t understand what Jinyoung needed from him. 

Jinyoung just clung to him hoping maybe he’d get what he wanted if he just held on. Jinyoung hoped that if he fell asleep right in Mark’s arms that he wouldn’t let go. But Mark had never felt any of of what he was feeling. There was no way he could know what was needed to make Jinyoung feel a sense of safety. So as Jinyoung laid back down Mark just sat beside him. Jinyoung held it all in. He did what he had to. When he awoke again he felt numb and Mark was still there sitting next to him. 

“It’s time for lunch,” Mark said.

Jinyoung nodded. He let the elder help him. He simply let Mark lead him with an arm around his waist. They walked into a room where people all were staring at him. Their eyes seemed to be in awe of his presence, it made him want to run away. These people undoubtedly knew him, they all watched him and had expectations about him from what they’d seen.

He tried his best to ignore them and to follow Mark’s lead. He stood in line with a tray following Mark but he felt very uncomfortable within the large cafeteria. They took seats as far away from the center of the room as they could, Jinyoung insisted on being in one of the darker corners away from prying eyes but that didn’t stop people from staring.

Jinyoung began to wonder where his friends from the Capitol were. Jinyoung glanced around the faces looking for them but he didn’t see them. He knew Taehyung had been picked up by the hovercraft and wondered where he was. He did eventually spot a familiar face walking with a tray in his own hands.

From across the room, Namjoon had spotted them as well and walked over. “Hey,” he said simply. 

Jinyoung nodded and shifted in his seat, glad there was another victor with him., Namjoon was at least someone who would understand how Jinyoung felt. He was uncomfortable with how people continued to watch them. Namjoon leveled a gaze at him and Jinyoung didn’t care about Namjoon staring but then Namjoon stood up and looked out in the room.

“If you can all just stop staring and fuck off,” Namjoon said loudly to the room, “that would be appreciated.”

Jinyoung noticed everyone freeze but then they all looked away, as if afraid to look back towards Jinyoung. Namjoon had a commanding presence, of course they’d listen to him. Namjoon smirked as he slid back into his seat.

“Thanks,” Jinyoung said softly.

“No problem,” Namjoon responded, “how was Jin the last time you saw him?” Jinyoung breathed and remembered the night before, how Jin had comforted him and stayed with him

“He complained daily,” Jinyoung said, “claimed he was fine but the nurses aren’t letting him out until his ribs are fully healed. They’re worried about the danger to his lungs or something like that.” Jin was someone Jinyoung was very fond of, he was glad that Jin had been in the hospital with him. He’d at least had someone he trusted to stay by his side through that experience.

“Sounds like him,” Namjoon said with a laugh. “They have reason to be worried too, Jin would probably insist on doing some form of manual labor to prove he was fine. He’s stubborn as a mule at times.” Jinyoung managed a small grin at the discussion. He didn’t doubt that since Jin stubbornly stood up for him.

Jin never let the nurses get close to him when he woke up from nightmares. Jin claimed he didn’t need more sedatives but that he needed to face what happened in order to move on. He wanted Jin to be released same time as him but the doctors insisted keeping him at least one more day. He felt that Jin out of all the friends he’d made understood best how to help him.

Jinyoung caught Mark looking across the room at people entering the hall. Jinyoung glanced and saw Taeyeon and Jackson entering the cafeteria. They no doubt would spot Jinyoung, Mark and Namjoon and join them. Jinyoung didn’t want to be around Jackson, he understand why the elder did what he did but it still unnerved him. He couldn’t shake the feeling of fear he got when he saw the other. 

He constantly had to remind himself Jackson had been trying to help. Jackson removed his tracker as instructed and had made it look like an attack to fool the Capitol. Jackson had helped... but Jinyoung still remembered his cold gaze, the sound of his voice. He remembered the pain of being held down, the fear that had captured him and the knife...

He repeated over and over in his head, Jackson had helped them. Jackson didn’t betray them. It was how he had to think to get through those memories. He looked up as Jackson and Taeyeon made their way over to the table with their trays of food.

“What’s up,” Namjoon said in greeting to the District 4 victor.

“Namjoon-ah,” Jackson whined, “I am so tired of these jumpsuits!”

He didn’t miss the way Jackson glanced at him and looked away. There was a flash of guilt in his eyes. Jinyoung focused back down on his plate almost subconsciously leaning more towards Mark, as if he could hide from the interactions ahead.

“We are definitely a long way from plush mansions and decked out wardrobes,” Namjoon responded.

“But these are so uncomfortable!” Jackson whined some more, “if they ever let us out I’m going to sneak back home and get some of my clothes!” Jinyoung looked to Taeyeon and saw her smiling while listening to what Jackson said. It caused Jinyoung to recall a certain conversation he’d had with Jackson about someone he loved being in the arena. He never did get a full answer from the tribute, but the answer seemed to be right in front of him.

“We’re not getting out anytime soon,” Namjoon responded, “the Capitol has been dealing with uprisings in half the districts. Yang is trying to suppress everything but he isn’t getting very far. People are ready but there’s a lot more to do before we’re going to be allowed to go out.” Jinyoung hadn’t heard much about the rebellions and uprisings since arriving in 13.

“Have you heard how things are in 1?” Taeyeon asked about her own district.

“1 has been surprisingly calm,” Namjoon said, “the worse off are 6, 3 and 10. 5 has actually been liberated in the sense that they fought hard for their own freedom. It's a different world out there after what happened, when you fired that arrow people realized that it was time. The uprising has begun." Jinyoung shifted uncomfortably. 

He knew his role in all that was to come, he knew what they all wanted from him. He couldn't allow himself to think of it. He didn’t want to be a part of anything, he just wanted to lay low and eventually make it back home.

After lunch Mark led him back to his room with his arm always around the younger. Then Jinyoung realized something. Mark said he had his room alone waiting for someone to be assigned to it as well. His heart sunk when he realized what that must have meant.

"Mark," he said his name, "where is your brother, your sister?" Mark froze.

Jinyoung didn't need words to know what had happened.

"Mark," he said softly, he hugged the elder. Mark clung to him and Jinyoung realized, he wasn't the only one hurting. 

District 12 was gone and the few that remained had just lost everything. 

Mark lost everything.

—————

Youngjae ran through the halls of the base, he wanted to get back to his unit as fast as he could. He needed to get back. Jinyoung had been released, someone had come and told him that Jinyoung was out of the hospital. He hadn't seen his brother since he left for the games, he had seen what had gone on and knew that his brother needed him.

Youngjae had cried for his brother and for Jaebum, he had watched the games go badly. He had heard the truth said over and over of what had happened. There was no way Jinyoung was the same after it and he needed his family with him to remind him that he was loved by so many. Youngjae knew he had to get to him and he hoped that by being there he could cheer his brother up.

Five days had passed since the destruction of District 12. It had been five days since that horrible nightmare. If Mark hadn't come for him to get him from the school he knew that he would have died. Mark had come and dragged him out to safety just before it happened. Things had gone bad so fast, so many had been lost.

Of the 50,000 people that lived in the district a mere 234 had been saved and brought to district 13. 

It had taken them a few days to be processed into work stations and living quarters. In that time, he had heard rumors that the remaining tributes from the games had been brought to 13 as well. He had heard that the Phoenix had arrived and he knew they meant Jinyoung. He had asked for days for a chance to see him but no one paid attention to his pleas. He was a child to them who didn't deserve much more than a second glance. His father comforted him in that time.

Youngjae had worried about their father after what Jinyoung had said in the games. Their father had seemed very sad, but not distant. He was never distant to Youngjae. It was Jinyoung who fought with him and pushed him away. Youngjae didn't understand, he only wanted them to be okay, but he knew after what Jinyoung had said things would just be more awkward. Their father was a broken man, that was something he had understood his whole life. He just wanted things to be different.

He wanted them to behave like a family that loved each other.

Youngjae knew that their father did love Jinyoung, he just didn't know how to talk to him anymore. Their father felt guilty for almost abandoning his boys when they were kids. Youngjae knew all of what happened, he understood and he had forgiven their dad for it. He knew that he had to because they were family. Family deserved second chances.

When Jinyoung had come back from the first games it was apparent he would never forgive their father, he shut Youngminhim out when he tried to help. Then their father had reacted badly because he didn’t know how to get through to Jinyoung. That was what always happened, they pushed each other away. They pushed at the frayed edges of each other because neither of them knew how to reach each other. 

Youngjae was perhaps the only one in the world who knew them well enough to see how it all happened. He saw their father shut down and saw the way Jinyoung hated him.

He knew it before Jinyoung had confessed, and he knew Jinyoung had almost killed himself. That was why when Jinyoung had gone missing he had disobeyed his father and run to Jaebum. Because he knew the only person who could stop Jinyoung was Jaebum, he had always known that. Jinyoung didn’t push Jaebum away like he pushed everyone else away.

Jinyoung had pretended he was fine and that nothing had happened, but Youngjae always saw through that. That was something Jinyoung and their father had in common. They thought they needed to protect Youngjae from seeing the darker parts of themselves, but Youngjae had always seen through both of them. Jinyoung was right after all, he was very much like his father. Youngjae knew that he himself was very much like their mother. The similarities between Jinyoung and his own father were the reason they pushed back at each other. 

Jinyoung didn't want to be like him. He wanted to be different but he couldn't change who he was and, like he couldn't forgive his father, he couldn't forgive himself. Youngjae wished he could get through to both of them. But both of them believed they were protecting him by not being honest with him.

So Youngjae just waited for them to open up to him. It wouldn't happen soon, he knew it probably wouldn't happen until he was older. Till every facet of childishness and innocence was shed from him, and he was grown up enough that they no longer treated him like he needed to be sheltered.

He wondered thought, would that ever really happen?

Would they ever see him as anything but the child they both loved and needed to protect? Jinyoung had lost everything by volunteering for the games to protect him. He had even lost his will to live when it all fell apart. Everything that had happened to Jinyoung was because he wanted to protect Youngjae. It had all started because of that. 

Youngjae worried because he had lost Jaebum. The only person who really could get through to Jinyoung was always Jaebum, and now he didn't have that. He needed to learn to rely on his family. He needed to be honest with his family. Jinyoung needed to see the truth, that his father loved him. Only their father could reveal that truth and Youngjae would push them both so that they could see it. That was the least he could do for his family. He could put them back together again. That was what he wanted to do.

When he got back to the living quarters he didn't find just Jinyoung. He found Mark and his brother together, holding on to each other and sleeping soundly. Youngjae was relieved because Jinyoung wasn't alone.He was most worried about what would happen if they left Jinyoung alone with his thoughts. They would have to make sure someone was always here with him, to help him, to show him that there were so many who loved him. To give him a reason to keep fighting, because it wasn't over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The new story is here! Please comment and let me know what you think! Subscribe, give kudos and bookmark.


	2. Not Your Savior

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinyoung doesn’t want to fight but those around him won’t let him make his decision without seeing what it was Yang did to his home.

Yoongi moved silently through the hospital halls.

It had been a messy few weeks. He’d done his job, stayed quiet and hidden as far away from sight as he could, yet close enough to monitor what was going on. He knew exactly where he was, District 1 was a place he knew well. The sun had set and he had taken his chance after days of stalking about and watching the hospital. 

He finally found his way in and when he did he’d found what he was looking for was no longer there.

He’d missed it. His chance to get to the Capitol and to get close to Yang had slipped away. He stood in the empty hospital room for a moment unblinking. He had to find another way to turn the tide. Another way to bring Yang to his knees.

He slowly turned to leave. He was in District 1, the answer was right in front of him. Even if he couldn’t complete the mission he’d first set out to accomplish he would make another one. 

He was a master assassin, he would kill to make Yang pay for what he’d done.

—————

His days descended into apathy easily. Mornings and nights passed by in a blur. It all seemed the same as he slept through as much of it as he could. He took the meds the doctors gave him after he found that they gave him enough calm to keep his sleep consistent. Without them he would awake in the night filled with a desperate needs to claw the nightmares from his mind. Mark stayed with him every night because he asked him to. 

He couldn't face his fathers look of pity alone. 

Mark had to resume his place in District 13’s complex collective system, where everyone had to contribute to the greater good. After Mark resumed his work, Jinyoung felt like the others had set a schedule. People came to stay with him and were seemingly relieved by others ever so often. It was like they’d all decided that Jinyoung shouldn’t be alone. Seokjin, Youngjae and Namjoon all prevented him from being by himself too long. Sometimes Taeyeon even came to check on him and sit with him.

He didn't want them there, he wanted to be alone. He wanted some time on his own to process the things in his mind. It wasn’t easy to be trapped without time to really think through what had happened. He knew the others thought it was a good thing but he was feeling suffocated. He didn’t like how they treated him like glass ready to shatter. 

Every day they came and every day so did another request from President Chae to meet with her. Over and over people kept asking him if he would go. Eventually he had to say yes, because the invitations wouldn't stop. He wanted it to stop but there was no getting out of it. He was sure that the people of district 13 had demands for him that he wasn’t ready to meet. He didn’t want to do anything but sleep.

One morning, when Jin had found his near empty pill bottle, he finally gave in to what Chae wanted. He couldn't take the way Jin looked at him, like something was really wrong. His eyes were horrified as he looked at the bottle then back and Jinyoung. He had grabbed the bottle out of Jin's hand and said he had an audience with the President. Then he had left in a rush to get out of his room.

Jin had followed him and asked where he thought he was going. Jinyoung was confused but Jin explained to him that the person meant to escort him to meet with the President was none other than Wang Jackson. He apparently lived two units down from Jinyoung where Mark was also assigned to live. Jinyoung made a decision to go with him rather than staying to face Jin’s clear desire to question him about his medication. He also needed to stop back by the hospital to get more of the medicine since he was running low. He didn't tell Jackson everything he only told him after that he wanted to stop by the hospital after.

Jackson was quiet and respectful of Jinyoung's need for quiet as they went. Jinyoung didn’t particularly want Jackson’s company but he settled for it because it was what he had to do.

"You've come," JYP spoke when Jackson entered the room with Jinyoung following him. JYP stood up to bow in greeting then he spoke. “President Chae, may I present to you the victor of the 74th hunger games our Phoenix." 

Jinyoung turned to see the President of District 13 as she rose to greet him as well. There was a glimmer in her eyes but something about her looked odd to Jinyoung. She looked like she wasn’t that old, yet there was a hardness to her features.

"It is an honor to finally meet you," The woman said. She reached forward a hand to take his. It was almost as if she was attempting a warm gesture but it seemed odd. Jinyoung was slightly unnerved by the way she was looking at him. Still, he reached to take her hand.

"I know it must be really hard for you," she said kindly, "but all of us here want to let you know how brave you are. You’re very welcome here. We are honored to have you in our presence.” Her eyes were kind, but they looked odd. Almost as if it was a fake, a mask she put up. He didn’t know what to think about her. She had kept a fair district system where the people all had plenty and where everyone was the same. Surely someone who had done that couldn’t be bad.

"I hope while you are here you will find some comfort and peace," President Chae reassured him. 

He nodded mostly to be polite. He knew if he spoke it would be anything but. He had a habit of saying things that were not taken well by people in authority.

"We have known loss here as well,” she continued to speak, "even if it seems like we've been unaffected by what’s gone on in this country. The war never ended for us here. It’s been a fight for survival since those days 75 years ago.” Jinyoung nodded and she gestured for him to take a seat. There was another man in the room, Jinyoung felt like he recognized him from somewhere.

"This is Jang Woo-young," The President said as she politely gestured toward the man, "he is the victor of the 64th Hunger Games, from district 3." 

Hearing district 3 reminded him of the games and two names entered his mind. The man's fellow victors, Joon and Jisoo had fought alongside him as his friends. Jisoo who had died pleading with the one who had—

Jinyoung didn't want to think about it, but he couldn't forget those disgusting hands on his throat. They haunted his nightmares. Those moments stuck with him and he couldn’t claw them away.

"It is nice to meet you," Wooyoung spoke politely.

"He is in charge of our technological operations," JYP stated, re-inserting himself himself into the conversation, "he has a brilliant mind and is instrumental to our cause. We are about to make history.” JYP rocked back in his chair and Jinyoung glared at him. In all that went on, he knew JYP was responsible for that day. JYP was the reason he was alone. Jinyoung didn’t think he could hate anyone more than President Yang; JYP was coming close. 

"Yes," President Chae agreed with JYP’s sentiments, "we would love to give you more time to recover here with us, but unfortunately we do not have the luxury of time." He never expected to get time, he’d never had time on his side in the past.

"Are you aware of what is happening right now around Panem?” she asked, "the whole nation has responded to you, since you looked into their eyes and sounded a call for action. There have been riots and uprisings throughout almost every district. If we keep it going we can unify together against the Capitol and win this war. But if we don't act, we will be waiting another 75 years for an opportunity like this. We need to stoke the fire in the hearts of the districts."

Jinyoung looked down away from them. He knew exactly what they were going to ask. It was why he’d kept refusing her invitation, because it wasn’t what he wanted. He just wanted the people he loved safe and they hadn’t even been able to give him that. He clenched his fists. He could direct his sorrow to anger easily because he was angry. He was furious with them for what they’d done.  
He’d never wanted to make it out alone. He’d held on as tight as he could to what it was he wanted. They had pulled it from his arms.

"What about Jaebum," Jinyoung demanded. He was tense. "I heard a rumor the ones left behind in the arena were captured by Yang. Is Jaebum alive?" He needed answers. JYP looked away from him, he could see the way the man’s demeanor fell. Jinyoung clenched his fists even tighter, he had to keep his composure. JYP didn’t deserve to feel sad about what he’d done.

It was the same anger he’d felt on the hovercraft when he’d faced JYP about what he had done. If he let it go he’d be pulled back and sedated again. He’d probably be sent back to the hospital and end up unable to see Youngjae. He restrained himself.

"I don't know," JYP said softly, "I haven't been able to get in touch with my contacts but Jinyoung—“ Jinyoung didn’t want to hear excuses.

"You left him!" Jinyoung shouted over him. That was all he’d wanted. If Jaebum was with him he would have been happy to face what was in front of him. Jinyoung would never face down the man responsible for it without accusing him, without reminding him what he’d done. He would let JYP know exactly what the man had done and how it had destroyed him.

"Jinyoung, I made the call I had to," JYP reiterated. Again he was trying to give excuses. Tears filled the bottom of Jinyoung’s eyes. He had to keep it together.

"You left him for dead," Jinyoung said again, but he didn’t shout. He said it low and cold, like Jackson had spoke to him in the arena when he’d torn the tracker from his body. “For what you did you're getting nothing out of me. I'm not your savior, I'm not your hero. Find someone else to be your face, I’m done.” He meant every word. The plans that the others had made without him had been the problem in the arena. If he had just known, he could have done something, he wouldn’t have been so afraid. But they’d always kept things from him. He had no way of knowing if that had changed. 

Even then he was sure JYP knew exactly what had happened to Jaebum. For some reason he wasn’t telling Jinyoung and Jinyoung didn’t want to focus on why.

"Jinyoung, we can change the course of everything if we work now,” the president said, "we need to do this now." She seemed to be trying to find a nice way to persuade him. "This is about more than one man. This is about millions of people oppressed by the Capitol. This is about ending those games that you were thrown into. About ending the nightmare. You can do that Jinyoung. You can turn all your suffering into freedom and save the children of the future!”

"We can show the districts that their Phoenix is alive and give them hope,” JYP continued what she was saying. "Wooyoung has broken through the Capitol's communication system. We can unify the districts with you as our symbol. The people respond to you, they love you. There is no one else who can do what you do.”

"This revolution is about everyone," Chae said, "about saving all of the people in this nation and we need a voice. Your voice. Your actions have moved the districts ever since you volunteered. We need you."

Jinyoung heard their words and understood what they wanted. But he wasn’t a hero. He didn’t want that burden on his shoulders, he’d never asked for it. He remembered the first time he’d heard it; Sana had told him that the others saw him as a Savior. It had seemed insane but he’d seen that she was right. Everyone pulled at him and pushed at him for what they wanted, but they didn’t care about what he wanted.

He only cared about one thing.

“Then you shouldn't have left Jaebum behind," Jinyoung countered. He pushed back against the table and stood up. He didn’t want to talk to them any longer after what they’d done.

"Jinyoung," JYP spoke sternly to stop him from leaving, "you would place one life above that of the nation?" Jinyoung looked at him and glared. JYP didn’t even know what he was asking. Jaebum wasn’t just one life to him, he was everything. 

"Yes," Jinyoung responded without hesitation. Then he opened the door and left the room. He didn't want to listen to them, after all the empty words they spoke. They couldn't save anyone and they didn't save Jaebum.

Jackson walked out after him. Jinyoung had almost forgotten about the other victor being in the room with him. He glared at Jackson as well. He hated what the other tribute had done to him. He didn’t know how long it would for take him to stop resenting the boy.

He walked and Jackson matched his pace beside him. They headed in the direction of the hospital wing.

"Jinyoung," Jackson spoke to break the silence between them. His voice seemed hesitant, like he was careful in the way he spoke. “You need to think and consider what your actions could lead to—“ 

"I don't need to listen to you," Jinyoung snapped in response. He didn’t want Jackson to lecture him as well. He didn’t care what anyone said, he didn’t want to be their puppet. He didn’t want to lead a rebellion he’d never tried to start in the first place. 

"Jinyoung, I know you're angry with me," Jackson responded, "you have every right to be. What I did was what I needed to, and I know how it looked. I'm sorry I had to do that to you. Will you please just listen to me?" 

Jinyoung looked away from him. He knew that blaming Jackson was the wrong call. Jackson had been trying to help, playing the game to keep their plan hidden. Still, it had stuck with Jinyoung. That feeling of being betrayed by someone he’d trusted was familiar, painful.

"I know," Jinyoung said, "I know you did what you had to. It was just..." He couldn't say anymore. The truth was that it was horrifying to have a friend holding him at his mercy. He couldn’t forget so easily that moment that he couldn't see anything but Jackson letting him bleed out. It was horrifying.

"I wish I didn't have to," Jackson said sadly, and Jinyoung took pity on him. He knew it was best to forgive him. Forgiveness was the best way for him to move on from it but he knew every time he saw Jackson it would all come back. The feeling of betrayal and pain would keep coming back. He didn’t know how long that would last.

"Jackson," Jinyoung responded slowly, "I wish I could tell you I was going to just be okay, but I'm not. Not yet. It may take time—“

"But can we please be friends?" Jackson interrupted, "I never wanted you to feel like I betrayed you. I was just trying to protect you.”

"I know," Jinyoung replied, "I know you did what you had to and I'll try.” Jackson smiled his bright eyed smile and Jinyoung saw he was hopeful. He didn't understand how Jackson could remain so happy and kind with what he had experienced and what he had been forced to do. He had gone to the games as many times as Jinyoung. He had been through so much as well. Jinyoung didn’t know his story but he knew how things went.

He could imagine Wang Jackson had been through more than could be seen behind his smile.

They made it to the medical ward together and Jinyoung gave a nurse the near empty pill bottle. The woman responded simply by handing him another one and asked if the treatment was helping him. He responded that it was. He was glad he’d started taking them because they had calmed him down. Jackson eyed him curiously during the exchange, but didn't say anything about it until they made it back to their floor.

"What are you getting treated for?" Jackson asked, "is your arm still hurting you?" The sound of gilt in his voice was clear. Jinyoung wondered if he had worried about that for long.

"No," Jinyoung replied, he reached to touch the area of his arm that Jackson had sliced open, "it healed just fine with cellular regeneration.” 

"Your back then?" Jackson asked. He seemed to be taking an interest in what Jinyoung was on medication for.

"No," Jinyoung responded.

"Then what is it?" Jackson asked. Jinyoung noted the way he was looking at him, like Jin had looked at him. There was an evident concern in his eyes, he wasn’t going to just drop it. Jinyoung wanted him too though, he wanted all of them to leave him alone.

“It is none of your business," Jinyoung responded with a coldness in his voice, "I've gotta go." He had just told Jackson it would take time for them to be friends. He would take all the time he needed to push Jackson away from asking more questions. 

He walked off to his own unit where no one was waiting for him. He found himself alone.

He took two of the pills with water and settled into his bed to get some rest. He knew he needed to avoid further questioning from his friends on his medication. He didn’t want them to know how bad things were. The doctors had told him that he had a panic disorder, a deep rooted anxiety issue and other mental disorders. The medication was their solution to that problem. He didn’t need anyone questioning it. He knew that the treatment was working.

He opened one of the wall panels next to his bed and hid them there. He didn't want people prying into his business. If the doctors thought this was his only solution he trusted that it was. He had almost fallen asleep when Mark came to get him.

"Get up," Mark said softly, "they're taking us out of here.” Jinyoung thought that was strange.

"Out?" Jinyoung asked, "where?" Maybe they were dumping him now that he had refused their offer. His first thought was that they would dump him in Yang’s territory then Yang would kill him. 

“They’re taking us to District 12."

Jinyoung's eyes widened. He didn’t know why they would do that.

"Are they dumping us there?" Jinyoung asked. He didn’t understand why they were taking him and Mark. Would they take his father and brother as well?

"No," Mark said, "I'm on the ops team, they want you to see it. They want you to see what President Yang did to our home." Jinyoung leveled a gaze at him. It didn’t seem like the best idea. He worried it could be dangerous but a part of him felt like he needed to go. All he’d wanted when he’d first arrived was to go home. He’d wanted to go back to the sanctuary, where he’d been able to hide from the world with Jaebum. He wasn’t sure if going would help him or break him.

He was numbed down enough from his medication that he felt he would be fine facing it again.

He got up, nodded and followed Mark out. They rode a lift up to the first level where there was a craft prepared to take them to the district. There were two more people who came on board behind them. Jin and Namjoon were already on the craft. Jinyoung didn't have much to say to the questions he was asked. He sat in his seat and stared out the window and watched the sky pass by. 

They reached the district easily enough, it was the closest to 13 and a short trip over the land. He recognized the mountains as they got closer to the ground. He knew his home well and he felt a pain in his heart at knowing he was about to see ruins.

"We're going to drop you at the center of town,” one of the team leaders said. “You will be going in alone. We'll keep eyes on you at all times in case of danger.” He handed Jinyoung a device to put on his wrist. He was sure it was some sort of tracker but he saw them setting up hovering cameras to send out as well.

"If we see anything off we'll extract you," Jin spoke up, Jinyoung could tell how nervous he was about what was happening. Jinyoung just nodded and prepared for the drop off. He knew he had to face it alone.

He stepped off the hovercraft when it landed on the ground and didn’t look back at the others. He gasped when he saw what he was walking into. He walked into ruins more horrible than he could have imagined. The home he grew up in was gone…

The smell of ash clung to the air, he watched as it kicked up from the ground when the hovercraft took off. It was a cloud around him, almost like a coat of grey snow on the ground. He stepped forward aware of where he was. He knew exactly what he was standing in, the structure that it was before the bombs had leveled it. It had been a market, the way the pillars were arranged was familiar to him.

The result of his defiance was in front of his eyes, thousands of people dead. They’d all been murdered in an instant, in an attack that they hadn’t seen coming. Gone was the life from the district, and he could feel the heaviness in the air around him. He could see the signs of lives lost, the shapes of bodies in the ground.

They were Gone.

He felt numb as he walked through the broken down buildings. He saw the sight of small animals scavenging amongst the ruins. He walked through taking in the sights of everything. It was Yang's orders that had killed them, it was always what Yang did. He was careful of his steps so that he would not trip. The ground was uneven, there were large holes in the ground from bombs that had dropped hardest.

He stepped around another corner and saw a skull in the ground. He stopped. He was almost afraid to look closer. He was afraid to consider the fact that the skeleton's he could see belonged to the people he had known. Friends, people he had grown up with and worked with in the mines. 

He took a deep breath and knew he had to face it. The world he was seeing in front of him was their new reality. The reality of the war the other victors had bought from his defiance. He looked up. In the mounds of charred ash were the bodies. Many of them had been in the area, in the buildings. They’d probably tried to seek shelter but had been unable to escape even in shelter. His breath caught as he looked at the destruction, the loss. 

He saw the reality of what the Capitol would do to repress them. The President would rather burn them all than to give them freedom. Jinyoung nearly stumbled as he walked. The medication couldn’t numb him down far enough to not feel sorrow. Tears formed in his eyes as he walked through the destruction.

This was a different kind of nightmare than he had ever experienced. It was more real than anything he could have imagined. Reality was more horrifying than anything he could dream up from when he was told that his home was gone. His left hand tapped against his leg as he walked. He walked through the entirety of the village and took it all in. He let himself feel everything, as much as he could with his emotions numbed down by the substance he was taking. 

He walked and came to a familiar path. One he had never had to walk on his own before but one he wanted to travel.

He walked carefully and took the path to the victor's village. 

He stared down at the path before him and noticed the ground changed. It was lusher, greener, like no bombs had dropped that far out. When he came over the hills he lifted his eyes to see an unexpected sight awaiting him. Many of the houses were leveled but two still stood. His house and Jaebum's house stood side by side. He would never have imagined the capitol would have left them in tact. He breathed deep, careful in each measure of breath he took from the air around him. He didn't want to panic, not when he was so close to something he’d wanted to see.

He approached the houses and the first one that he stepped into was his own. There was dust everywhere, but everything else within was just as he remembered it. Some of the windows were broken, probably from the blasts. On the wall still hung his jacket and the bag he used to use to carry everything when he hunted and sold game. His father and Youngjae had left his things waiting for him. He wondered how scared they were that he wasn’t ever going to return when he was taken.

He took his jacket and put it on, and he took his bag and placed it around his shoulders. It was empty and light but he wanted to bring some pieces of home back with him to 13. He also saw his father’s medical bag in the kitchen, where it always was, and he grabbed that as well. He could bring something back to his father. 

What also remained was Youngjae's school work. He put that in his bag, his brother needed to continue to learn despite having duties in District 13. He would make him keep learning. School was something Jinyoung had missed out on and he didn't want Youngjae missing out on it either. He wanted Youngjae to be prepared to thrive if the world did change.

He walked through the house into the back office, which his father had occupied while they lived here. There he saw something he hadn't thought he would ever see again. A picture of his mother sat on the desk, one he hadn't known his father had. He saw it was a picture of who she was before she had fallen ill. He didn't remember how she’d looked before she was sick. He didn't remember much of her like that at all, she was beautiful. 

His father had a picture all along and he had never seen it. Had Youngjae? 

Jinyoung noticed something else on the desk, an old wooden jewelry box. Was it his mothers as well? He opened it carefully, inside was a necklace with a ring on it. A ring he remembered from when he was a child. It was made of wood, he’d always assumed it was crafted by his father for his mother when he was young. It was too big, she never wore it on her finger for fear it would fall off. She wore it as a chain instead.

What was carved into it was beautiful. His father had carefully inscribed the words "my love will always be with you" inside of the ring. Jinyoung hadn't been able to read it when he was young, but his mother had told him what it said. He then put the necklace around his own neck, he considered it a piece of her he wanted to carry. If he was to fight a war, he would want her with him.

He left the house behind and glanced towards the only other structure still standing in the small village. He knew the other house better than his own as he had spent more time there. He walked over to it. He had to see it for himself and face it. The house was where he’d spent so many days with the man he loved, never fully knowing how much that love had grown. He opened the door and walked inside. He remembered the many times Jaebum had carried him up to his room. Jaebum was strong, he was always so strong.

His heart pounded as tears filled his eyes. He walked into the main room, where Jaebum kept his library. It was the place where he had taught Jinyoung to read, as he worked to help him pick up the pieces of himself. This place didn't have Jaebum anymore but it had those cherished memories.

He sunk to his knees, no drugs could keep the things he felt out of him at that moment. He cried there on the floor of Jaebum’s house, cried for him because he needed him back. He had never imagined he could be there alone without a promise of Jaebum's return. He didn’t want to ever be without the person he loved the most. He cried for all of it, it hurt him physically how hard he sobbed.

He let himself feel all he could before he stood up and took some of his favorite books from the shelves. Just a few in addition to one of the ones Jaebum had raved about that he hadn't gotten to read yet. He then left for the main office of the house as well. Jaebum always kept interesting things around his house, Jinyoung wondered if he could find any more memories he’d want to keep with him. 

There in the office he came across something else.

A simple green bracelet was on top of the desk. All his allies had them but Jaebum's was different. Everyone else had one band, he had three that were intertwined to form a beautiful piece. He wore it through the entire games after Hani had given it to him. Jinyoung was surprised to find it was on Jaebum’s desk in district 12, a place where it couldn't have been. 

His heart pounded as he reached out to pick it up. This wasn't something that could be there, it didn’t belong there. It wasn’t given to Jaebum until the games. His mind flashed back to Jaebum's hand on his face in the end, he remembered the feel of that metal, warm against his skin. 

Tears fell from his eyes as he realized, Yang knew he would come.

The implications made his heart stutter as he knew what he had believed all along. He knew that Jaebum wasn't dead. That in leaving him behind they had left him for the Capitol to take. Jinyoung knew at that moment, if Jaebum really was gone, the bracelet would carry no significance and Yang wouldn’t have left it for him to find. Yang wouldn't do something without weight. It was a message, a taunting, a reminder that Yang could take everything from him. He knew exactly what it meant.

He dropped the bracelet and put his hands on the desk trying to steady himself. Reality filled him, reality broke through his bones like it was ready to shatter them. He had known, he had said it over and over each day that Jaebum had to be alive out there somewhere. But now he believed the worse had happened. His worst fears had come true. 

Yang had him.

Yang had Jaebum.

Jinyoung stumbled through the house, desperate to get out away from it. He wanted to get away from the reality before him. He remembered a time he felt similar, when the quarter quell was announced. That same gripping reality and fear and dread gripped him. It wouldn't let him go.

He made it out to the dirt road and stayed his on his knees with his breathing unsteady until Jin and Mark came for him to bring him back. He clung to Mark like he was the only piece of reality Jinyoung could still cling to. He was broken, destroyed by understanding that he’d been right all along but he knew no one would believe it.

Even if he told them, no one would believe him.

They all wanted him to move on every time he spoke Jaebum’s name. They wouldn't believe that Jaebum was alive. But Jinyoung always knew.

Jaebum wouldn’t leave him. 

Jaebum didn’t die.

Jaebum was alive and it was up to Jinyoung to bring him home.

—————

He shivered, the units could be cold at night when the filtered air dropped slightly in temperature to conserve energy. Jinyoung laid in his bunk, with Mark curled up next to him. One of Mark's arms was around him. Mark slept soundly through the nights, that's something Jinyoung noticed. His father and Youngjae slept in the other bed in their unit. 

Mark never held him close or tight like Jaebum had, it was always a lose hold but protective nonetheless. Mark sometimes did cry, Jinyoung knew the weight of his loss and why he had reason to cry. Jinyoung would comfort him when he cried and wonder why he himself wasn’t crying more. He felt frozen from his loss. Jin had asked him a hundred times on the ride back what had happened in Jaebum’s house, but he wouldn't say it.

Jinyoung went back to his unit with the stuff that he’d picked up in 12 and Mark accompanied him. He was able to give his dad the medical bag, his father's eyes were grateful and his words were careful as if afraid to shatter a good moment between them. Since Jinyoung had gotten to 13, he could tell that his father was walking on eggshells around him, like the older man was afraid to do or say the wrong thing. It hurt how much distance there was between them. Jinyoung wasn’t eager to talk it out, he just wanted them to continue on as they were. It was preferable to confronting all the walls they’d put up against each other.

Jinyoung hadn't shown his father the picture or the necklace, he’d wanted to keep those things to himself for a bit. It was selfish but he thought he deserved a chance to be a bit selfish. That night when they were all asleep he looked at the necklace using the remaining light from outside the unit to see it.

_My love will always be with you_

He read it over and over again and remembered not just his mother…

_I love you, and I always will. No matter where I am, no matter what happens…_

Jaebum’s words stuck with him, like a religious prayer in his head. He believed them, he believed that wherever Jaebum was that he still felt those words. Jinyoung felt them, he felt them so deep. He wondered about his parent’s love and his own love for Jaebum.

Jaebum had spoken the words of love he’d needed when everything had gone dark. He’d spoken those words when Jinyoung thought he was losing him. There was so much hope still in his voice then, he was still out there. He knew that he wasn’t going, when Jinyoung had begged him not to go Jaebum had just reminded him how much he loved him. 

"I will find you." Jinyoung whispered as he looked up at the ceiling. He wondered if Jaebum was trapped in a place he couldn’t see the stars just as Jinyoung was.

He would do whatever it took to bring his love back, and he knew he had all the tools he needed in hands. The leaders in 13 were playing a game and he would have to play it better. He would play to win, he had won against Yang and he would win against them as well. 

He would bring Jaebum home or die trying.

—————

 

Jin sat with Jinyoung at breakfast the next morning, whatever had set him off was not apparent to the surface. Jin watched him and he looked physically fine, better than he had been since they’d arrived at 13. He looked focused and interested in what was going on around him which had become a rarity. Most of the time he seemed aloof, disinterested and unwilling to partake in conversation. Jin wondered if that was from more than just depression.

Jin had been very concerned when he saw the drugs that Jinyoung had in his room, that Jinyoung was defensive about them was also concerning. It was a very powerful benzodiazepine, probably prescribed for his obvious anxiety and panic issues, but Jin still worried about it. The withdraw from a drug like that could be intense if Jinyoung grew dependent. He had gone to the medical wing to speak to the doctors and find out who had prescribed that for him. The doctor said he wanted to do whatever he could to calm Jinyoung's obvious panic disorder.

Jin had followed up by asking him how long he planned on keeping Jinyoung on the drug and the doctor had responded with ‘not much longer.’ Still, Jin was nervous as he wondered how many Jinyoung was taking. Jin was also concerned that Jinyoung was hiding it. That he seemed to dodge all questions about it, and didn’t want anyone else to know about it.

"Jinyoung, did you hear about Taehyung and the others?" Jackson asked a question that pulled Jin from his thoughts.

Jin looked at him with wide eyes, he and Namjoon had agreed that they weren’t going to talk about that with Jinyoung. Jackson couldn’t have known that, but Jin wondered why he would bring it up. He didn’t want to upset Jinyoung with matters outside of all of their control.

"What?" Jinyoung asked.

"They were put in prison here," Jackson said, “I’ve been trying to get them released but they needed background checks—“

"What?" Jinyoung interrupted with the same word. Anger flashed across his features.

"Hoseok got them out of the Capitol,” Namjoon elaborated, "but he acted on his own, and they were never a part of the original plan so the people here are nervous about them. There have been issues with their background checks. We've been working to resolve it but it's an ongoing process. Don’t worry about it, we’ve got it handled.”

Jinyoung's anger became more and more apparent, Jin had rarely seen him look so angry. He began to wonder if the drugs were having more of an effect on him than he even realized. He was going to research further into the one he was prescribed to learn it’s side effects.

"Surely they don't see harm in a prep team!” Jinyoung exclaimed. 

Jin did understand his anger, but he also understood the leaders of 13. They had protocols made to keep them all safe. The couldn’t take risks when they were running such an elaborate operation.

"They are from the Capitol," Namjoon responded, "so they are treating them like they could be enemy spies. It’s just precautions—” 

"I'm going to get them out," Jinyoung declared, he stood up from the table. People from around the room glanced in their direction but Jinyoung paid them no mind and walked towards the exit. Jin got up and chased after him.

"Wait Jinyoung," Jin didn’t want him to go without backup, "what are you planning on doing about it? These people have laws, we can’t sidestep those laws, we have to be patient!”

“I don’t care, I’m demanding their release," Jinyoung declared.

"You think they'll just give it you because you demand it?" Jin asked. He doubted it would work out that way.

"Yes," Jinyoung said, "they'll give me whatever I ask for. These people are desperate for a symbol, they’re desperate for me to take action.” Jinyoung had met with the President of the district but Jin hadn’t been told anything that was said.

"What are you talking about?" Jin asked.

"They asked me to be their Phoenix," Jinyoung responded, "I will do as they ask, but not without terms.” 

Jin understood what he meant then. Jinyoung would make demands and in exchange he would be their symbol to unite the districts. He wondered what had caused the overnight change in Jinyoung’s demeanor. Something was off to all of it, Jin was suspicious of what really happened in district 12.

"I'm going with you," Jin said as he continued to follow. He wanted to get an up close look of what Jinyoung was going to demand. He felt responsible for the younger boy after everything that had happened, someone needed to look out for him. Someone who knew what he had gone through and knew how it had affected him. Jin understood what it was like to be in 2 arenas, and what it was like to lose people he loved. He would make sure Jinyoung wasn’t alone.

"Fine but keep up,” Jinyoung said as he continued to walk quickly in the halls. He led the way down to President Chae's office. Jin noticed the way Jinyoung's fists were clenched tight as they walked briskly. He was trying to contain anger. Jinyoung pushed open the door to the meeting room and there were people already seated around the long table inside. President Chae stood up at the intrusion.

"What is the meaning of this?" an older woman on the council declared. She looked scandalized by the boys bursting into the room and interrupting whatever it was they were speaking about.

"I demand a meeting with the President," Jinyoung declared. It was on the edge of him shouting those words. Jin just stood behind him to back him up.

"You are in no position to make demands," someone else on the council said. The man scoffed at Jinyoung, looked down at him.

"You'll find that I am," Jinyoung spoke and looked directly at the President. She was looking at him with a curious gaze and with admiration. Jin wondered what plans she had been making.

"What makes you think—“ another one began to speak at his subordination Jinyoung cut her off.

"Do you want a phoenix?" He asked the president directly. She stared at him as if trying to decide how to respond to him. "Or do you not?" Jin saw a fire in his eyes, the same fire that led him to stab his sword into the ground when facing death. The same fire that he’d had in his eyes on his victory tour, as he was reaped the second time. None of them had seen that fire since that night in the arena when Jinyoung had fought for Jin’s life. There were two parts to Jinyoung that made him the only one who could do this, his gentleness which was inspiring but also that fire.

"Everyone out," the President said to them, her voice calm and collected. She was always the picture of grace and ease in her role. Jin had felt power exuded from everything he had seen her do. She was an elected leader but she was very much in charge of things.

"But madam—,” one of them began to protest.

"I said everyone out,” She said more pointedly and the people responded. They all got up slowly and left the room. Chae’s eyes never left Jinyoung’s as they did.

"What is the meaning of this?" she asked once the doors shut on the last person had exited. Everyone had left but JYP, who seemed to be a constant in District 13 council meetings. He stood behind Chae everytime she addressed the people. Jin wondered how long he’d been working with her to try and craft the rebellion. He was watching, analyzing Jinyoung as much as anyone. He’d always had that gaze fixated on Jinyoung.

"I have a list of demands you must meet," Jinyoung said, "the first is that you will release my prep team from your prisons immediately.”

"I will do no such thing," President Chae scoffed at him, "they have to undergo the same backgrounding process everyone does. We are a system of fairness and I will not undermine it for anyone.” Jinyoung showed no signs of backing off from his words.

"I am not negotiating," Jinyoung declared, "I am demanding, and if you don't give in to every demand I make you can wait another 75 years for your chance at winning this war. I am not your puppet, if I fight with you it will be on my terms.” 

That was when JYP began to clap. Jinyoung and Chae were clearly taken aback by the action but JYP held steady with a look of pride in his eyes. 

"What?" President Chae asked him. She was clearly annoyed with the situation in front of her, but JYP laughed a bit as he raised his brows and pointed towards Jinyoung.

“This right here is the fire we need," JYP said, “this is your phoenix taking flight before your eyes. This right here will make a difference, give him his demands, we won’t find another person able to do what he can do.” 

Jin could see President Chae contemplating it, almost as if she wouldn’t give in but then she spoke. “What other demands do you have?” She asked. Jin was surprised how little it took.

“You will give my father a high position in the medical ward, you are wasting his talents where he is,” Jinyoung said, “he is a good doctor and you will treat him with more respect than you have.” 

“Alright, I will, but I know there is something else,” she asked, “I can see it in your eyes. What is it you really want Park Jinyoung?” Jin didn’t like the way she spoke those words, it was as if she was challenging him. It was as if she was daring him to ask something specific. Jin wondered just how dangerous she was. 

“I want the tributes Min Yoongi and Im Jaebum found, rescued and brought here for rehabilitation,” Jinyoung declared and Jin startled at that one. They had no info on Jaebum being alive, no info on what happened to Yoongi. Something had changed in Jinyoung, something that had happened in 12.

“Impossible,” President Chae declared, “by all reports Im Jaebum is dead, we can’t bring him back.” Jinyoung shook his head.

“Ask him if that is really true,” Jinyoung shouted and looked to JYP, “You know that it isn’t.” 

Jin’s eyes widened as he saw the pride still on the elder man’s face. Jinyoung was challenging him and it was what JYP had wanted. Everything Jinyoung was doing was clearly exactly what JYP wanted him to do. 

“Is this true?” The President asked him. Jin held his breath.

“It is,” JYP confirmed. The anger on Jinyoung’s face intensified. Jin was shocked at how Jinyoung had revealed it so quickly without even being completely sure it was true. 

“How long have you known,” Jinyoung shouted at him.

“Since the first day we came here,” JYP responded, “but you weren’t ready to hear it. I was waiting to see you like this; ready to fight for something for more than just one man. You’re here now fighting for all those you care about, that is exactly what the districts love about you. How you care for people and fight for them.” JYP had withheld information to push Jinyoung into the emotional state he was in. He’d wanted Jinyoung angry, ready to fight.

“You fucking bitch,” Jin hissed at JYP, his words surprised everyone in the room. JYP smirked. Nothing Jin said could verbally make a difference to him.

“Did you leave him on purpose?” Jinyoung asked next.

“No,” JYP answered back, he seemed offended by the accusation. “I didn’t know he would make it, that is the god honest truth. I found out after that the Capitol had found him just in time to prevent him from dying. The biggest issue was that his tracker had not been removed, it wasn’t just the poison in his veins. I couldn’t risk extracting him when we didn’t have time to remove his tracker.”

“Why didn’t you just tell us the truth?” Jin shouted at him in response to all he was hearing. “You lied to all of us! You knew this whole time!”

“I kept it to myself because Jinyoung needed the push,” JYP stated, “he needed to become this right here and he couldn’t be that with everyone in his life coddling him. You would have run to him and told him.”

“You wanted Jaebum out of the picture,” Jinyoung accused with anger. Jin wondered the same thing, if JYP had wanted Jaebum gone to ensure Jinyoung became what he wanted him to.

“Enough!” The President said with an authoritative voice, “this discussion has veered off course. JYP and I will discuss this further and decide if we should meet your demands. You are both dismissed.” 

Jinyoung didn’t move from where he stood. His feet were planted, his fists still clenched. That anger was a fire burning strongly in him. “With all due respect,” Jinyoung said to her, “I am not leaving until my demands are met.” 

Jin smirked, he liked that Jinyoung wasn’t giving in. This was a time to act and not to back down. The two others glanced at each other then the president sighed in response.

“You really are still a child,” she said, “but your demand will be met my dear boy.” Jin saw that she was mocking him, treating him as a child throwing a tantrum but the most important thing was that she was giving him exactly what he wanted.

“Then I am going to pick up Taehyung and the others from your prison right now,” Jinyoung said pointedly, “I expect the guards to be ready to turn them over to me.”

“Agreed,” she said with her teeth clenched. She didn’t like what she was faced with but she still gave into him. 

Jinyoung bowed to her and glared at JYP, then he turned and exited the room. Jin followed him without showing respect to either of the people in the room. He was angry with them and he completely understood Jinyoung’s anger towards them.

“How did you know?” Jin asked as he followed Jinyoung towards the elevators.

“Think about it Jin,” Jinyoung responded, “Jaebum had a small knife wound and a slice in the back, it would take more than that to kill him — even with Zico’s knifes being poisoned.” They walked quickly, Jinyoung’s anger clearly hadn’t subsided.

“But this wasn’t just speculation,” Jin declared, “you knew without any doubt that JYP knew that Jaebum was alive.”

“When I was in district 12, in Jaebum’s house” Jinyoung said, “I found Jaebum's green bracelet, the one Hani gave him that he wore in the games.” Jin connected the dots, Yang had to have put it there. It was message to Jinyoung, either that Jaebum was dead or that he was alive and Yang had him.

“But how could you know from that?” Jin asked, “surely it could have been a message telling you Jaebum was really gone.”

“I know Yang,” Jinyoung said, “We’re opposites in a way, but we both very much understand each other. I knew he wouldn’t put it there for any other reason. I also knew Wooyoung was working with JYP meant he was in contact with his operatives in the Capitol, even if he said he wasn’t. Yang put the bracelet there to tell me he had Jaebum, to taunt me. And JYP had to have known aswell.”

“Good call,” Jin said, “so you’ll work with them now and continue to pressure them to find Jaebum and Yoongi?” He was glad Jinyoung seemed to understand his own power in the situation in front of them.

“Yes,” Jinyoung responded, “but not so much find them. JYP already knows where they are. We need to bring the Capitol to it’s knees to rescue them. It’s a new game and Yang will not make it easy for us. He’ll dangle them in front of us and use them to try and stop us.”

“You seem much more in your element, knowing all this,” Jin commented, he hoped this meant the end of Jinyoung taking those drugs he was on. He didn’t need them, he just needed his determination and something to fight for.

“Yeah,” Jinyoung responded, “I like to know what game I am playing and now I know that.” 

Jin wondered if it was really just something to do with knowing Jaebum was alive. The confirmation had come and now Jinyoung’s whole fight was about getting Jaebum back. This boy could move mountains with a mere request so Jin really believed he could bring the man he loved back. It would still be a difficult battle for him, they would all have to fight to help him.

They made it down to the prison levels and Jinyoung announced who he was. Then they were told to wait. A few minutes later a group of guards came back followed by a line of the people, some Jin knew well and others he had only seen on the hovercraft. Hani, Taehyung, Yugyeom, Jennie and a few others.

"Jinyoung," Taehyung said his name first and ran from the group of guards to hug his friend. The guards didn't stop him.

"You came for us," Yugyeom said with a grateful tone of voice.

"Of course I did," Jinyoung responded, "I didn't know or I would have come sooner! How are you? Is everyone alright?” His concern for them was touching.

“We are all fine,” Hani said, “but it’s good to be out of there.” She walked towards Jinyoung, a huge smile on her face. There was a fondness in her eyes as she gazed at him.

"Let me look at you," she said, Taehyung let go of Jinyoung to allow it, "how have you been holding up?" She no doubt had seen all that had gone down. Her care and worry made Jin wonder how Jinyoung had become so close with his team.

“I am doing better now that I can actually make a difference," Jinyoung said.

"Good," she said, "because we definitely would love to continue working with you." 

He nodded, Jin saw how grateful he was to have them there. He hadn’t realized how much the prep team meant to Jinyoung or he would have fought harder for their release. Having them to help watch over Jinyoung would be key.

"I have living spaces already planned for Yugyeom and Taehyung," Jinyoung told them, "The others I will request to be on my floor and team as we continue forward. We’re going to change Panem together.”

"Thank you, Jinyoung," Hani said, her smile was the most genuine Jin had ever seen. She always seemed distant to him, but seeing her and the others with Jinyoung, he understood they were effected by him as well. Everyone in his life that gave him a chance loved him.

Now he had pieces around him again, but they wouldn't be embarking on JYP's twisted chess game with their eyes wide open. Now it was time to take on a bigger enemy in a game that Jinyoung was playing masterfully. Still it was a dangerous one in every step they took. 

He needed all of them.

—————

He took a deep breath, in through his body and out slowly.

He still counted, each second he was in this place, he counted. 

He took another deep breath and counted. 

Each breath meant everything. Even if breathing hurt. 

Even if breathing hurt like hell he would hold to it.

HIs hands were feeling numbed down from low circulation. He wondered how much longer he could stay awake.

He had to.

He had to show them he was unbreakable.

That was what kept him trying.

He lost track of time despite counting at every turn.

He was losing track of himself.

He was losing track of everything but his need to keep fighting.

The cycle had proven to be long and painful.

Torture, pain, death...

Recovery, treatment, life...

It was circling around him and everything else was a promise of nothing.

This was his truth, his existence.

One thought was what kept him beating, kept him breathing, kept him fighting.

The truth of the person he loved, the person who he knew was alive. 

_He thinks you're dead._

No.

He knew that was wrong.

He knew that Jinyoung would never give up.

He knew that better than his own name.

There was a way out and he would wait for it. And no matter what he had to endure, he would stay silent. He wouldn't give them anything. Because he would never give in. No matter what.

Even if they did finish the job and kill him, he wouldn't give them anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter and the reveal that yes Jaebum is alive and the Capitol has him. More to come.
> 
> Please comment and let me know what you think. Leave kudos, subscribe and bookmark. There is much more to come!


	3. Making A Phoenix

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinyoung faces challenges as he begins to step into his role as the Phoenix to unite the nation.

Jinyoung clung to Mark that night, he felt exhausted from the events of his day. He wanted to sleep but he found it wasn’t easy to just fall asleep. Mark slept soundly as always, as did his dad and Youngjae in the second bed of their unit. He turned over towards the wall and carefully, quietly opened the panel which hid the pill bottle.

He got out four of the pills and took them dry, he hoped they would give him relief from the anxiety building in his blood. He sought the calm and the numbness they could give him because even though he put on a show of bravery and strength, he was still crumbling inside. He was still haunted by all that happened in the games and it weighed heavy on his shoulders. Those memories were damaging in his mind and he couldn’t erase them.

It took a bit of time for the feelings of numbness to wash over him but eventually he responded to them. And in that numbness he found his ability to sleep. That night he slept more soundly and peacefully than ever. 

When he awoke again Mark was gone and when he turned over he saw Youngjae was also gone. His father was there sitting on his bed. The man was holding a familiar pill bottle in his hands and watching Jinyoung. Jinyoung looked back to see the wall panel had been removed. Jinyoung turned back and glared at him.

"Where did you get this?" his father asked.

"I was prescribed it," Jinyoung said, "from the doctors in the medical ward.” He didn’t want to be questioned by his father. He knew that they were about to fight. They never saw eye to eye about anything.

"Do you know what this is?" His father asked pointedly. Jinyoung sat up fully and stared straight at him.

"They help me stay calm," Jinyoung explained, "and they help me sleep." That was all it was for, to help him manage his anxiety and his nightmares. He needed that help.

"No," his father sounded frustrated as he began to throw questions at Jinyoung. “Do you have any idea what these are? What they could do to you? How many are you taking?" Jinyoung reached to take the bottle back but his father held it up out of his reach. 

"In taking this you should only have a maximum dose of one pill a day and only for a very short term use,” the man explained. Jinyoung didn’t care what he said. “They’re for use only if you feel a panic attack coming on and the doctors should be checking your reaction to them daily. How many are you taking?" He sounded scared, Jinyoung didn’t care what he was saying. He had to have the medicine, it was the only thing that helped him.

"You don't get to question my choices," Jinyoung said forcefully. His voice was on the edge of shouting. “That's not how this works. You’re not in charge of what I do!”

"Do you know what time it is Jinyoung?" His father asked. He wasn’t backing down. “Do you know how long you were sleeping because of these? Now I am asking you to be honest with me, please be honest with me! I know you hate me but that doesn't change the fact that I do love you Jinyoung, and I want to do what is best for you.” Jinyoung shook his head in exasperation.

"No," he responded with anger, "you don't get to decide what is best for me. You have no say in my life, in anything that I do! Not after you left! You abandoned me! I haven’t forgotten what you did!” He held out his hand for his father to return his medication, "I am under supervision of a doctor who is not you, this is none of your business and not your choice.”

"Jinyoung," His father spoke in a broken tone Jinyoung had never heard come from him, "I am trying to help you." 

Jinyoung almost felt bad for accusing him, but nothing he had said was false. He hadn’t spoken one lie. Youngmin had abandoned him, lost the right to be considered his father. And worse, when he’d come back from the games, he’d watched as his father had been strong for his brother. His father had never been a father to him, yet he’d been one to Youngjae. He hated feeling like that was the truth but it was all he felt. 

His father never loved him. If he had he wouldn’t have cast Jinyoung aside like he was nothing. He wouldn’t have used his own grief as an excuse to forget his son. Jinyoung had lost his mother, Jinyoung had lost too. He was hurting and grieving just the same and yet his father never even hugged him once to tell him it was going to be okay. 

Tears filled his eyes as he faced the man in anger. He was shaking, he was so broken up remembering all of what he felt towards Youngmin. He didn’t want the man to try to be his father anymore, it was too late.

"I have let this go on for a few days," His father said with tears in his own eyes, "but when you didn't wake up this morning, I knew something was wrong. This drug is not something you should be taking lightly, too much too soon and this could kill you." 

"I took two last night," Jinyoung lied, he could hear how frightened the man was. "I really couldn't sleep! I haven't ever taken more than that. But you know how I have gotten in the past, I can’t control my panic attacks. You always told me I was scaring Youngjae, you never once tried to help me get through them! You don't know what I went through in the arena, you’ve never tried to understand. I need this, it helps me when you never have.” His dad looked more afraid the more he spoke, his face went ashen white.

"Don't lie to me Jinyoung," he said desperately, “please just don't lie to me. I know you have been through hell, I know. I have been wrong for so long and that is my fault, I know that. But you can't do this to us, please don't do this." Jinyoung was taken aback by his pleading but he wouldn’t back down.

"Dad," Jinyoung said firmly, "give them back, this is not your decision." He really just wanted their conversation to end. He was completely surprised at the way his father was speaking but still so upset at the man for even trying.

"Jinyoung please," his dad begged, "please just listen to me." 

"No!” Jinyoung shouted at him, "not after everything you've done. I don't even want you here! The only reason you are still in my life is for Youngjae." Tears spilled down his face, he didn't want to fight like this. He’d been fine with their uneasy silence toward each other.

"But this isn't about all that," his father begged, "I know I've been the worst father, I know all that. I know." He had tears spilling down his own cheeks in reflection as he spoke the next words, "But Jinyoung, I love you so much, I love you. I just never knew how to make it up to you after what I did. Please listen to me now." He felt like he couldn’t breathe. His father had never told him he loved him, never in his memory. But he couldn’t back down. 

"And if I don't?" Jinyoung asked. He was too stubborn to listen. Too broken to want to listen. He knew what he needed, there was nothing else that could help him but the bottle in his father's hands.

"You gave me the power to change this," his dad declared, "you asked them to give me a position at the hospital and now I have one. Your prescription will be revoked today, you can't lie about things like this. You can't play with this.“ 

"No," Jinyoung pleaded, "you can't do that!" He had made a mistake by vouching for his father in front of Chae. He hadn’t known he could make that mistake. His dad shook his head in response.

"This was always what I was afraid of with you," his dad said, "you watched me as you grew up and learned behavior from me. I know Jinyoung, that when things get to be too much you want any way out you can get. But I won't let you do this to yourself.” His father stood up with the bottle still in his hands. 

"Dad please," Jinyoung cried, “please don’t take it away. I need help, I need it. I can't face all this without it." He reached out and grabbed his arm to stop him from leaving. 

"No. No you don’t need this,” his father said, "the boy I know is much stronger than that. You have always been strong enough, Jinyoung. You are strong enough now to move forward.” His father gently pulled his arm from Jinyoung’s grasp and turned to look back at him. He reached and placed his hand against Jinyoung’s face. Jinyoung almost recoiled, rejected, he didn’t need a father. He didn’t need someone who’d left him.

But he saw the way his father looked at him, not in disappointment but with love in his eyes. Jinyoung hadn't recognized before, that it was a look his father had always had in his eyes. Jinyoung wanted to reject it, because his father deserved nothing. He wanted to push him away and make him hurt like he’d hurt Jinyoung. He pulled back away from his father’s reach. The man’s hand slowly fell as Jinyoung cried.

"I hate you," Jinyoung said forcefully, "I hate you so much." His father shook his head in response.

"No you don't Jinyoung," he said, "I know you don't mean that. It's yourself you hate, and I want you to know that you can't numb that feeling. You need to face it to grow past it."

His father then turned and left him. Jinyoung was left feeling empty and sick inside. He pulled his knees up to his chest and cried more, but he knew he needed to get away from his unit before people came looking for him. Someone always found him and didn't leave him alone.

He got up and ran away as fast as he could. He knew that there would be an announcement in the evening that he was going to start operations against the Capitol. He knew he couldn't hide forever but he could hide for a bit to get himself back in check. He ran down one of the ventilation rooms deep into section after section. It was a maze and there were places to hide within it where no one would find him. It was the only place no one would come looking for him.

He curled up in one of the pipes deep in the maze, hidden from everyone's view. Hidden where he could let all his tears fall and let his emotions show as real as he felt them. He was supposed to be strong for the people of the districts; their hero, their savior, their phoenix but he was just a kid caught up in a mess he never wanted. He had to keep going forward but he felt so lost.

Jin had once told him he would feel alone the fight to come and that was exactly how he felt. He felt so alone, and so scared. Because he couldn't make anyone understand. He couldn't just bring himself back from the dark, Jaebum had been the one to do it before. Now Jaebum wasn't there. He was far away, so far away Jinyoung couldn’t reach him. The only answers in front of him were the ones the others judged him for, his father judged him for. Nothing had changed. His father had always rejected the things that kept Jinyoung sane. First Jaebum, now his medicine. 

He couldn’t see a way out on his own. He could just breathe and hide and hope that maybe things would remain the way he needed them to.

He waited in the dark room until evening, till he knew his father's shift was over. He didn't care what his father said, there was no way that man could possibly understand what Jinyoung was going through. He hadn't faced the battles that Jinyoung had faced nor the losses. He told the nurse he had lost the bottle she’d just given and she had given him the refill with no questions. He felt sick as he accepted it and he knew he would have to lie and to hide it better. So he hid it under one of the vents in the airways, in a place he knew no one could find it. 

No one would know.

Then after that he went to get dinner alone and hoped he could do so without running into any of his friends. Luck was not on his side. When he entered he saw that Jin, Taehyung, Namjoon and Hoseok were all eating together. Jinyoung wondered what Taehyung was doing with them, he was leaning on Hoseok when Jinyoung walked in. They seem to have become friends.

Taehyung waved at Jinyoung with excitement to make sure Jinyoung knew they were there. Jinyoung got his food and walked to join them, he knew if he didn’t they would suspect something was wrong.

“Where were you today?” Jin asked him as he sat down, “I was looking for you and no one knew where you’d gone.” Jinyoung had known Jin at least would be looking for him. He didn’t know why the elder hadn’t been assigned something better to do in 13 than to keep watching him.

“I wanted to be alone for a bit,” Jinyoung said, it was best not to lie in unnecessarily and worry them more. He saw the way Jin reacted to the drugs, he would likely side with Jinyoung’s father if he knew the whole story. His friends seemed very friendly with his father, they wouldn’t understand what the man had done to him. 

“Are you ready for the announcement later?” Namjoon asked, Jinyoung nodded. He was as ready as he could be. 

“The entire district will gather,” Jin said, “they will probably all be okay with the terms you have laid out. There is an air of excitement about the idea of taking this war to the next level. I really think we’re going to end up winning easily once we have the support of the districts.” He hoped so. 

“Jin told me how you got us out!” Taehyung declared, “that you were amazing hyung!” He looked so excited about and Jinyoung knew he was glad to be free. He only wished he had known before what had happened to his friends. He could have helped sooner.

“Tae how have you been holding up?” Jinyoung asked him. He had been so worried about what happened to Taehyung. He hadn’t allowed himself to think of it when he was in the games but he hadn’t forgotten how sad and scared the younger had looked. He was glad when he had realized that Taehyung and his friends had survived and were on the run safe with them.

“Don’t worry about me hyung,” he said with a bit of a laugh but Jinyoung could hear it was fake, “I’m happy we’re alive, though the fashion sense here is not good.” He was able to smile at those words. It definitely fit Taehyung to complain about the fashion instead of complaining about being imprisoned.

“You could bring some change,” Hoseok said, “show them a new way!”

Jinyoung smiled as Taehyung lit up and started talking about the things he would change in all of them. He was glad to see Taehyung with his normal cheer and he ranted about how Jinyoung never fixed his hair and needed to brush it. He had missed having Taehyung around.

After they ate they went towards the main hall area, Jinyoung and the other victors were brought to stand in the group above while the people stood in the halls below. Jinyoung’s heart was pounding as the president began to make a speech about the chance they have waited for having come. The war was something these people had prepared for in the 75 years since the rest of Panem thought District 13 had been blown to ash. 

When he heard his name he listened again. The President announced Park Jinyoung of District 12 would be working for them as their Phoenix to help unite every district against the Capitol. Jinyoung smiled and waved to the crowd and as they cheered he was reminded of the victory parade. He’d stood in front of a cheering crowd before. He’d heard them shout his name. He wondered if it was any different to be standing as a sheep for slaughter than as a symbol of war. He’d be sent into a fight just like the Hunger Games. What made them any different than the Capitol if that was what happened?

He didn’t want to think about it for too long. When it was over, the screams had faded and the people were dismissed; he took his chance and he ran from everyone. He ran to his hideaway to stave off the panic building in his blood. He looked at the pills again and remembered his father’s warning but he felt like he was going to panic. He could still remember the tributes parade, the interviews before the arena.

So he took the pills again just two at first then two more as he found the calm wasn’t enough. He stashed them away again and he want back to his unit to get some sleep. He settled in his bed and waited for Mark. His father and Youngjae arrived and he pretended he was already asleep to avoid talking to them. He realized that way he could hear them talking.

“I can get you transferred to help me,” his father spoke softly, “If they’re harsh with the kids you don’t need to see that.” Jinyoung tensed. The way his father spoke to Youngjae was so soft, so gently. He hadn’t heard his father speak like that in years, since he was a little boy. He took careful slow breaths.

“What would I do in a hospital?” Youngjae asked him. His heart clenched thinking of Youngjae being unhappy and him not being one to help. He hadn’t been paying attention to anyone but himself.

“You could be my assistant,” his dad said sweetly, “and I’ll teach you all kinds of things. You have always liked learning new things.” His dad would happily teach Youngjae. Jinyoung was the uneducated defective child, but Youngjae was bright and smart and capable of learning everything his dad would teach. Jinyoung never felt jealous of Youngjae, he didn’t like the way the feeling sunk in his heart. It wasn’t Youngjae’s fault, it was always their dad’s fault. That was what he reminded himself.

“I guess that could work,” Youngjae said happily. He hadn’t paid much attention to how his father and Youngjae interacted because it always hurt. Not ever but hearing Youngjae responding to working with their father with such excitement... Jinyoung told himself to be glad that Youngjae had their dad during the games. That at least he had done one thing right for one of his sons.

He fell asleep listening to the sounds of Youngjae laughing and telling their dad about his day. He listened feeling guilty because it was such a contrast to how he had talked to the man. Youngjae spoke to his father with so much love where all Jinyoung had for him was hatred. He couldn’t push past it. Their dad didn’t deserve his forgiveness. 

He fell asleep in unbreakable calm from the effect of the drugs. He was glad to be able to rest, to be able to hide the darker feelings in his heart for another night.

—————

“Jinyoung,” Mark said his name and shook him, that was the first thing he was aware of. “Jinyoung it’s time to get up.” Jinyoung began to stir but only slightly. Mark was confused as he continued to try and wake him up. It was almost as if something had a grip on him, keeping him asleep. 

“Jinyoung we have to go.” Jinyoung’s face scrunched and Mark shook him more. “Jinyoung wake up!” He worried. He had never seen Jinyoung so tired he couldn’t wake up like that. Jinyoung took a deep breath then opened his eyes but he looked confused. He didn’t look like he was fully awake, he instead looked disoriented. He was usually easier to wake up, he never slept so deep when morning had arrived. His eyes landed on Mark’s and he looked confused.

“Five more minutes,” Jinyoung mumbled and he began to turn over to continue sleeping. It looked as if sleep had another hold on him the moment he closed his eyes, like he had never been away to begin with. Mark didn’t like it.

“No,” Mark said, “you have work today.” He had to get Jinyoung up, they had things that they were scheduled to do. Jinyoung would start his role as the Phoenix to unite the people. He shook Jinyoung again to wake him from his slumber.

“No,” Jinyoung whined, “go away.” Mark knew Jinyoung could be whiny about getting up, but it never seemed as crazy as it was at the moment.

“You agreed to be their phoenix,” Mark declared, “that starts today, it’s time to get up or you’re going to be late.” He had to convince Jinyoung somehow that he had a duty to perform. The people in 13 did not take kindly to anything they considered insubordination. When they set times for things to happen they expected those times to be met.

“They’ll wait for me,” Jinyoung whined again.

“Jinyoung get up now,” Mark demanded. About 10 minutes of arguing ensued but Jinyoung eventually agreed. Mark wondered if he should have just let him sleep because as they walked he looked exhausted They stopped to grab breakfast because Mark knew it was best for him to eat something. Jinyoung was complaining he had a headache but Mark wondered if he was trying to avoid what was coming. It was a new set of responsibilities. It wasn’t easy to be ready for.

They made it to JYP’s apparently large office where there was a bunch of equipment set up for the video shooting. The first plan was to make propaganda videos of Jinyoung to play throughout Panem in a goal to unite the Districts. Jinyoung’s friends from the Capitol all ready to go to style him but Mark could already tell it was going to be a long morning.

—————

Jin dropped his head against the table in exasperation. He had been reading medical textbooks for hours looking for the name of the substance the doctors had given Jinyoung. He had woken up early because he was too antsy to go on without knowing. He wanted to determine what the dangers could be because he believed something about it was off. He found out the hospital had an extensive library and he was granted access for research purposes.

He had spent a few hours in the library the day before. He planned on spending all the time he could there until he found what he was looking for. He had even gotten up very early for it, the nurses told him that he was abnormally early for someone in the district. Jin didn’t care how early it had been because he felt he had a job to do.

Since before the arena he had felt it was his job to help look after Jinyoung. The kid was smart and quick witted but he was also horribly stubborn. He had a tendency to run head long into things before thinking of the consequences. That was part of the reason they were in the situation they were in. Jin felt even more responsible as he knew that not many people in the district would be looking after Jinyoung’s well being. He felt they would seek to use him till they’d gotten what they wanted. He didn’t like the way the doctors and nurses had approached Jinyoung’s condition. It frightened him that they were doing things he wasn’t aware of.

Jin wanted Jinyoung to be empowered to make his own choices but there was a reason the younger had needed Jaebum. He needed someone to help him see reason, someone he trusted and would actually listen to. Jaebum could get through to him when others had issues doing so. 

He lugged the textbook he was reading back up into the bookshelf and picked three more volumes out of it. The library didn’t have information on psychological drug use which was what Jin needed information on. The drug was labeled with information about usage for panic attacks. Jin began to wonder where the District was even getting it’s drug supply. He wondered if they synthesized and grew things themselves. He didn’t understand how they could do it all below ground.

He read further in one book and finally found a section on benzodiazepines. He breathed in exasperation as he realized it was only two short paragraphs on them. It mentioned that they were considered tranquilizers which had a calming effect on troubled individuals. He sighed as he hit another dead end in another large book. None of it made sense to him. He wondered if the doctors were as clueless on information about the drugs as the books in front of him were. They were all likely trained off the books.

He had heard of the class of drug he was searching for when he was in District 5. His mother was a herbalist and was called in for cases of people needing medical assistance when they couldn’t afford it. He remembered she had treated a woman who was on them and who died of an overdose shortly after. That woman had begun taking them because the peacekeepers said she was talking to herself and it went wrong fast.

He had seen addiction several other times. He remembered it in his own father. There were patterns to it, defensive behaviors, hiding, lying. He believed Jinyoung hadn’t lied to him yet but he couldn’t be sure about anything if the substance Jinyoung was taking was addictive. He wanted to talk to the doctor who had worked with Jinyoung in order to fix it but the man wouldn’t see him again.

He was about to get up to as again when someone he recognized walked into the room. It was Jinyoung’s father, Youngmin. Jin remembered that Jinyoung had asked for his father to be given a position at the hospital. Jin always wondered why he didn’t get one in the first place. Everything seemed almost too suspicious not to question.

“Hey,” Jin spoke to get the older man’s attention. Maybe he would know something about the drug. Jin didn’t want to go behind Jinyoung’s back and get his father involved but he knew that he needed help. He could only trust people who had Jinyoung’s best interests at heart and his father was one of those people.

“Hello,” Youngmin greeted him, “what are you doing in here?” Jin sighed at the question. So far he’d been running into dead ends and reading volumes and volumes of boring books.

“I’ve been doing some research,” Jin responded, “maybe you could help me figure out what it is I’m looking for.”

“Well I don’t know everything,” the man responded, “It didn’t take much training to be a Doctor in 12. I learned more by experience than from books.” Jin understood. Things were difficult in the districts and they didn’t have much by the way of knowledge.

“Well it’s not a deep medical question,” Jin began, “but do you know anything about the side effects of taking benzodiazepines? Or do you know where I could find information about it?” The color drained from the man’s face as he looked at him and Jin realized he knew. He must have seen Jinyoung taking them.

“Jinyoung?” Youngmin asked.

“I saw them in your unit,” Jin decided to be honest with exactly what happened. He had wanted to get more of a look at the container but Jinyoung had grabbed it away from him.

“They’re not around any more,” Youngmin replied, “I knew he was taking something days ago but I realized yesterday what they were. I found where he was hiding them and took them. He should have never been put on them in the first place.” Jin felt a bit of relief but still wariness. He didn’t know was Jinyoung prescribed something like that and it was suspect.

“Do you know who prescribed it?” Jin asked. He was wondering if the doctor he’d spoken to before was still around. Jin had been unable to get in contact with him again.

“No,” Youngmin said, “that’s the problem either no one prescribed them or no one is admitting to it. The one they gave him is a particularly powerful strain, one that isn’t normally ever put in the hands of patients.” That made Jin more nervous. Everything seemed to point to some foul play of some sort. He wondered if someone had been sent from the Capitol to try and sabotage the uprising by messing with Jinyoung. He had no sort of proof, he could only make theories.

“Why would someone do this to him?” Jin asked, something was really off and it was frightening. Where did District 13 get those drugs?

"I don't know," Youngmin said, "but I am trying to get to the bottom of it.” He reached up and grabbed a textbook off one of the shelved and began to flip through it, "if you want to know more about this here is the information you are looking for." He handed Jin the book and opened it to a page about the exact drug Jinyoung was on.

"We need to keep an eye on him,” Jin expressed, "I know you took them away and you did the right thing but if someone is giving Jinyoung these drugs he may be able to just get more." He didn’t like feeling like someone was out there trying to hurt Jinyoung. He could imagine getting Jinyoung addicted to an potentially deadly substance would be a win for Yang.

"That's what I have been worried about," Youngmin said with genuine concern on his face. "These people have done a lot for us but Jinyoung is nothing more than an asset to them. They will seek to use him for what they need without caring about his well being. I am just glad he has friends like you also looking out for him. I always worried about him as he grew up. I had an alcohol problem when he was a child, because of it my two children almost starved to death. Jinyoung was always strong though, he is strong. That he believes he is not is what has always concerned me, I didn't approve of Jaebum because of that reason.“

"Jinyoung used him as a crutch," he continued, "as an excuse for hiding instead of facing his problems head on. That was what I thought then but I realized in time I was wrong. That they really did love each other, but my actions drove Jinyoung away further. He won't listen to me, he is lying to me." Jin felt saddened.

Youngmin was a father who loved his son when Jinyoung professed to hate him. Jin understood Jinyoung's perspective before but now he understood how it was a biased perspective tainted things that happened between them. Youngmin had made mistakes but he was trying to rectify those mistakes. It would be a hard road ahead for both of them but Jin was glad to see the older man was trying.

"I will help in any way I can," Jin said, "we can't let Jinyoung go down this road. The others will fight for him as well. I'll let Jackson and Namjoon know to be on the lookout for anything wrong. We’ll all work together and we’ll fix this.” Youngmin nodded, there was a grateful expression in his eyes.

"Thank you," he said, "I really do want what is best for him. That might be leaving this place and fighting from somewhere without so many mind games.” There was nowhere left for them to run. The districts were a mess, the war was in full swing. Anywhere they went they would be in reach of the Capitol or the people from 13. 

"Where would we go?" Jin asked, "we are trapped here." District 13 was the last place left for them. It was supposed to be a sanctuary not a prison. 

"There could be much more the Capitol is lying about," Youngmin responded with a faraway look in his eyes, "There could be more beyond just them and the districts." 

That made sense since the Capitol had lied about 13, what about the world beyond? What was it? Those thoughts were not uncommon throughout Panem. No one really knew the answer except that they’d been told that it was dangerous.

He wouldn’t dwell on those ideas. He knew that he had a job to do and information to digest. If the goal was to bring Jaebum home, Jin wanted to make sure he had someone to come home to. Jinyoung deserved much better than being treated like a means to an end.

Whoever was hurting Jinyoung, Jin was sure that Yoongi would pick out the perfect knife for them.

—————

Jinyoung stood in front of a mirror, his heart hurt when he heard that BamBam had left the clothing he wore for him. It was an armored outfit, one built for a fight and built for the war he would be leading. Taehyung had done his hair and makeup to match the costume and Yugyeom had brought him the outfit to him. BamBam had always known he would end up in District 13 and he had been ready for the role Jinyoung would take. He had made him this amazing design and he had given it to Yugyeom because he had known he wouldn’t see the day Panem was free. 

BamBam had believed in him when he didn’t know how to believe in himself. BamBam had seen freedom in him and BamBam had given his life for that freedom. Not for himself but for a world others would live in Jinyoung nearly broke down as he looked at it but he couldn't afford to cry. There were people right outside the room he was in, he would only show them strength.

He walked out of the room, they had given him a moment to process it and he was grateful for that. He walked back to the video set where everyone was smiling at him. He heard some claps as he stepped up to where they would be taking videos of him. He wasn’t sure about their plan, but they had told him it was the safest first step they had.

"You look amazing," Taehyung said as he stood in front of the camera. JYP had given him his lines earlier and he didn’t find them difficult to remember. He was concerned the propaganda video wasn’t going to be good but they’d convinced him they had it handled. JYP had experience editing things from his work in the games. He had a vision for the video and explained it to Jinyoung. It had all sounded fine so he had agreed. He stood up and they prepared the shot.

“Okay,” JYP said, “you may begin.” Jinyoung nodded to him and looked towards the camera and tried to remember his lines.

"People of Panem," he said without feeling, "we will fight, we will be brave, we will..." he paused. He forgot what it was he was supposed to say next. He felt awkward with the unfamiliar words.

"Cut," JYP commanded and he leveled his gaze at Jinyoung, “I need you to picture the scene! You were just in an intense battle, think about all the feelings you felt when you fought Zico and go again." Jinyoung was startled by the instruction he was given but he stood back and tried to follow instructions.

"People of Panem," he said with a shaky voice, "we must fight and..." he paused again as he realized he messed up his line. He didn't understand it what they were even trying to accomplish with the instructions he’d gotten.

Telling him to think about how he felt after fighting Zico just made him want to shut down. He had only fight Zico once and it was kinda iffy as to if he actually fought him. He did shoot him with an arrow when the games began but after that he was Zico's pin cushion. Thinking about it made his back hurt, those phantom pains that never fully went away. None of the fights within the second arena were triumphant for him. They were all painful memories he didn’t want to think about. Zico had brought Jaebum down before his eyes. He froze as he heard JYP shouting at him.

"Jinyoung you need to say it with feeling!" JYP shouted, "like you really believe that people should join this fight! Get up there and compel them to join in!" Jinyoung felt uncomfortable with the shoot and he glanced to where Taehyung and the others were watching. He could see concern in Mark’s eyes. He got up again and attempted the line but fumbled with it a third time.

"Do you even know the line?" JYP asked him. The man sounded frustrated and Jinyoung wanted to throw his props at the man and leave.

"Yes," Jinyoung responded, "I know it, sorry I'll go again. " Jinyoung knew that the shoot was important. It was part of his deal to save Jaebum. So he stood up and said the whole line as he remembered it.

"Jinyoung you need to feel it," JYP instructed and Jinyoung threw down the flag he was carrying as a prop. The whole plan was useless, he didn’t want to make videos instructing people to fight while he was sitting in a safe compound below ground doing the opposite. 

"I don't this what the fuck any of this has to do with uniting the districts," Jinyoung declared forcefully, "how does this help?" He knew part of it was probably just his anger at JYP coming to the surface again. He hated that he had to work with someone he hated so much.

"This is not the finished product, you need to believe in it—” JYP started to explain again but he clearly saw how upset Jinyoung was about it, “Never mind, let's edit that last one." He leaned over to the person next to him, "I want him to see what the finished product is supposed to look like. Maybe then you'll get what it is we’re going for Jinyoung." He scoffed. He wanted to throw his props at the man for those words. He got exactly what they wanted but he didn’t believe in it.

An hour later he was in a room with Mark, his prep team and the other victors who had all come to see what they were working on. JYP wanted their opinion on staging and how they should continue with the productions since they all knew the ways of the Capitol themselves. Jinyoung was slightly shaky and hd wished that they hadn't brought in so many people to watch the video. He was starting to feel a bit worn down and wanted a chance to slip away for more of his medicine. 

JYP played the video and Jinyoung saw how nice the effects were. It really looked like he was in a battlefield but it felt cheap knowing how safe he was shooting the clip. He cringed at how flat his voice sounded when speaking the words JYP had given him to say. When it ended everyone was stunned into silence, Jinyoung was embarrassed as they all looked at each other. It was silent until Namjoon stood up.

"I think we need to completely change your approach," Namjoon declared. Jinyoung agreed with him. The video shoot plan was not a good one and it clearly wasn’t working.

"How?" JYP said exasperated, "we can't get the kid to talk with conviction." Jinyoung wanted to throw something at him. He was doing the best he could with JYP’s stilted dialogue. 

"Jinyoung has moved all of us before," President Chae responded, "he can do it again, we just need to give him the right incentives.” He didn’t like how that sounded. Incentives sounded like what Yang would do with the victors in the past. He would give incentives to get people to do what he wanted them to, like holding their loved one’s lives on the line.

"Yeah but Jinyoung has never moved you with a script and production crew," Jin responded, "Jinyoung moved you without anyone telling him to.” Jinyoung wished he was sitting next to Jin and not on the other side of the room.

"Let's do it this way,” Namjoon responded, "everyone think of a time that Jinyoung moved you, that he made you want to stand for something. That he sparked that fire inside you.” Jinyoung sighed, he wished even more that he could leave the room if they were going to have that conversation. He didn’t think he’d ever done anything special. 

"When he told Jin not to give up and that he wouldn't, " Hani spoke up.

"When he volunteered for his brother," Yugyeom said.

"When he grabbed Jungkook in that cave and told him he was safe," Taehyung said.

"When he made Jungkook a bed of pine in defiance of the Capitol," President Chae said.

"When he chose to relinquish his sword," Taeyeon added.

"When he told Jaebum he loved him," JYP brought the one up that nearly made Jinyoung snap. He clenched his fists, he didn't want to be reliving those moments so these people could make a point. JYP didn’t deserve to have Jaebum’s name in his mouth. 

“Yes,” Namjoon declared, “now what are the things every single one of those moments have in common?” Jinyoung knew what he was getting at.

"It was unscripted," Jennie said, "it was Jinyoung doing what he felt was right. You can't make that stuff up in a studio." 

"Exactly," Namjoon said, “but more than that every single incident you brought up had to do with Jinyoung’s interpersonal relationships. He cares for people deeply, and puts them all before himself. In a world where the Capitol demands us to be selfish, to put ourselves above others Jinyoung has defied everything Yang has stood for. The games were meant to be an exercise in killing to save yourself. Jinyoung has never done that, he’s only ever killed to save the lives of others. That leads us to what matters. Jinyoung needs to be out in the field if you want to revitalize the revolution with him."

That was what Jinyoung thought he’d been signing up for when he’d first agreed. He was never going to be opposed to going out and actually being among the people. He wanted to see what the fight was like for them. He wanted to understand better what was actually happening in Panem.

"That is too dangerous," President Chae said, "he's an important asset, we can't risk him in the field.” Jinyoung didn’t feel like it was much of a risk. If they gave him a bow he would be in good shape to protect himself.

"Well find a place where the risk is minimal," Namjoon said, "the point is you want the people to unite around him as their symbol, your Phoenix. You can't do that from here because this isn’t going to work. No one is going to buy this propaganda you’re selling. They have been oppressed long enough to know what is real and what isn’t.”

"What do you think Jinyoung?" JYP asked him. Every eye in the room was on him after his opinion was asked for. He knew quite a bit about what the Capitol could do if the districts really rose against Yang. He’d seen the destruction of the Capitol first hand and he needed to see more. He needed to see the results of the war he’d started.

"I want to go out there," Jinyoung declared, he needed to go out there. If he was going to fight this war he needed to know. It was unavoidable, he would have to eventually.

"Let the people see him," Namjoon said, "let them see that he will fight for them. That's how we win."

They all looked around as if considering it, Jinyoung already knew they would agree. The case was made and he was ready for it. So it was agreed the next day they would fly him into one of the districts, they would chose it before the evening came. Jinyoung was dismissed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a lot more to come. I am staring school and starting another story called Emulous. There will be a bit of a slowdown, I probably will be updating once a week now instead of 2-3 times. I hope you enjoy the new story as well, it's an original idea I developed for a few months and I am excited to begin it here.
> 
> Thanks for reading, please leave a comment to let me know what you think of this chapter. <3


	4. War of Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinyoung visits district 5 and witnesses first hand the effect he has on the people of Panem.

"Jinyoung," Mark followed him as he headed back towards his unit, "I got us an approval to go above ground."

"What?" Jinyoung asked.

He had hoped to get some time alone to get to the vents and take some of his medication. However, the subject Mark had brought up was a curious one. He didn’t know there was a way to go above ground or how permission was granted. He assumed that maybe the Capitol hadn’t fully lied to the people. Maybe District 13 was below ground because above was a nuclear wasteland. It made more sense that everything above served as camouflage. That Capitol hovercrafts flying over wouldn’t be able to identify the compound in which the people of 13 lived in because the district appeared unsuspecting and uninhabited on the surface.

“We can go above ground," Mark explained, "there's even a forest like the one at home. People have to get special approval to go walk around but it's beautiful up there. I’ve been wanting to take you since you got out of the hospital. It took awhile for my request to be approved.” 

It sounded like a great idea, but Jinyoung was feeling on edge. He needed to take his medication before he got more anxious. 

"Maybe some other time," Jinyoung said. Mark looked so eager that Jinyoung felt bad about saying no. 

"No," Mark protested, "I may not get approval some other time, now is our best chance. Please Jinyoungie!" Jinyoung saw how eager and earnest Mark was and knowing this was a limited opportunity led Jinyoung to agree. He’d missed the outdoors. He wasn’t made to live below ground.

They had to go up to the first level. There Mark showed his clearance to security near one of the doors and they made the call to let both boys go up to the surface. It wasn't a long process since Mark had two special approval passes. He seemed to really fit in well with the militaristic lifestyle of 13 and he seemed to understand the rules better than Jinyoung did. Despite feeling like Mark fit, Jinyoung knew Mark was much like he was. Mark needed the outdoors, he needed the forest and the beauty of nature. It was a part of both of them. The forest in District 12 had given them both everything they needed to stay alive when they were both just kids without any other options.

Fresh, unfiltered air filled their lungs once they stepped out, and Jinyoung was filled with happiness as he laid eyes upon the forest that surrounded them. He was glad he had agreed to making the trip to the surface with Mark. Even with the tension in his body, he felt freer upon seeing the trees. It was a different forest with different roots, but it still felt like it held a piece of home. They walked out through the woods together and Jinyoung held onto Mark's hand as they did. 

The smell of the air was familiar to him. The feel of earth beneath his feet was grounding. Jinyoung typically ignored 13’s numerous digital clocks that counted the underground hours as they passed, but it felt like the day was near its end and he could see the sun was getting low in the sky. Still, it’s rays streamed down through the trees. Jinyoung loved the way the sun would shine through the branches, like pools of light collecting around the greenery. There was a warmth to the air, he believed it was late spring. Summer would be upon them soon. He hadn’t forgotten the summer before and the uncertainty it held. He had a different uncertainty facing the season anew. 

Sometimes he wondered if Jaebum would have been safe if he hadn’t taken Jinyoung from that meadow. Those were darker thoughts that stuck to his mind and plagued him when he wasn’t on guard against them. It was too easy to wonder, to easy to doubt himself. He knew he had no reason to doubt those days. Jaebum was a fighter, he would have made a choice to fight with or without Jinyoung there. He would have thrown himself in the line of fire regardless. When Jinyoung had first met him, all he’d wanted was revolution. What was happening to Panem was a dream Jaebum had held for a long time.

Jinyoung walked in silence trying to focus on what was in front of him. He didn’t want to wonder or worry about the past. He wanted to face a future with the full ability and strength to make it what he wanted it to be.

"When we first arrived in 13, we were left up here before we were processed into the actual base," Mark said, breaking the silence, “JYP was eager to get us processed quickly but I took time to explore. I thought then that it was one of the most beautiful forests I had ever seen." 

Jinyoung then began to notice ruins as well. Mark was correct in thinking it was beautiful. Between the trees and the brush there were signs of structures that used to be there; odd broken foundations and crumbling chimneys were visible through the undergrowth despite the wilderness’ efforts to consume them. District 13 wasn’t always just an underground compound. 

"This way," Mark said, interrupting his thoughts, and he raised his free had to point in a direction different from the one Jinyoung was gravitating towards. 

He followed Mark through the brush and found where Mark was leading him was a breathtaking sight. There was a small waterfall, mists and flowers all around. It reminded him it was still spring. A season that promised new life in the midst of the cold ashes of winter. He wanted to lay amongst the blooms and breathe in the earth and just stay there. 

"I thought you'd like it here," Mark spoke softly, "they don't let people out much because the Capitol does random sweeps over the District and they never know when they'll come."

Jinyoung felt sorry for all the people below as he looked at the beautiful sight in front of him. The way they lived wasn’t really living. Nature was healing, the sun was warm and the smell of the fresh air helped him clear his head. 

"Thank you," Jinyoung expressed words of gratitude to his friend. He hadn’t realized how much he’d needed the freedom of a small escape. They sat down amongst the flowers and Jinyoung leaned his head on Mark's shoulder, the older placing a comforting arm around him in return. He was glad he had a friend like Mark to care for him and to help him. They stayed there without speaking as the sun lower on the horizon. Jinyoung didn't want to go back, everything was clearer to him out in the open. He felt like he could really breathe in the outdoors, below he felt suffocated. He hated it.

As the sun set and the day grew dark they knew they couldn’t stay any longer. On the returning walk, Jinyoung was feeling more than a bit shaky. He needed to get back to the ventilation pipes but he didn't want Mark to know where he was going. So when they made it back underground, Jinyoung made the excuse that he had to go back and get something from his unit. He reassured Mark that he'd catch up and hurried off.

Jinyoung made to his secret spot without any incident and took two of the pills to help himself calm down. As he walked to catch back up with Mark for dinner he felt the calming effect numb away the shakiness. He didn’t feel guilty about going behind his father’s back to take the medicine. He knew the substance worked. It kept his panic attacks away and he was able to sleep without nightmares. Every effect he got was a good thing. The nightmares and panic had plagued him since he’d finished the first arena. There had been no other cure given but time and coping mechanisms that were unreliable. 

He made it back to the cafeteria and saw Mark was there with Jin and Namjoon. It seemed that Jin and Namjoon showed up everywhere he was. He got his food and sat down with them. He didn't miss the way Jin was watching him as he moved about the cafeteria and as he ate. The elder's eyes were trying to read him, he wouldn't show that he noticed or cared what Jin was doing. He suspected that he knew how Jin wound respond if he found out about the medicine. He wouldn’t understand why Jinyoung needed it.

"So Jinyoung, you ready to ship out tomorrow?" Namjoon asked him. Jinyoung turned his attention to the other District 5 victor.

"Yeah," He responded, "what district?" They hadn’t given him any indication as to where they would send him. Just that they would pick one of the safer districts to give him a better glimpse of what had happened since the arena had fallen. They hoped to get some sort of reaction out of him that they could film. That thought was a strange one, but Jinyoung was ready to go along with it. The more they did to bring Yang down the closer he would get to Jaebum.

"It's still being debated," Namjoon said, “Last I heard it was between 5 or 11.” 

Jinyoung knew what eleven was, the district of Zico and the one who had held him down — those nightmares were fresh in his mind. Those final moments could fill him all at once if he let them.

“I say no to 11,” Jinyoung replied, "absolutely not." He would be forceful about getting his way if he had to. He didn’t want to go to that district. He didn’t want to know if there were other people like that in the district.

"Jinyoung, the people aren't their victors," Namjoon responded delicately. He could read what Jinyoung’s reason was for arguing against District 11. Jinyoung didn’t care what Namjoon said about it, Namjoon hadn’t had Jihyun’s bloodied hands around his throat. He hadn’t had Zico’s knife in his back.

"I can't go there," Jinyoung insisted, "I say 5, I had a good experience when I made a speech in 5 and I would like to see your home again. Like if I could see up close where Jungkook lived…” 

He didn’t know where he was going with those words. Some days he really did wonder how things might have been for Jungkook. He was such a kind child and Jinyoung wondered about the things he loved and the place he grew up. He wondered how much of it made him who he was.

“District 5 is volatile in a different way than the others," Jin explained, "it was taken by the people right after we busted out. There is an uneasy ceasefire between the Capitol and the people due to the fact the district is the home to the generators which power the Capitol. It’s likely the Capitol will hit back against them soon, but no one knows when or how.” 

"We don't know how much longer the ceasefire there can last,” Namjoon continued, "the village leaders are trying to persuade the Capitol to stand down by keeping their generators running and making negotiations to continue supplying power. It's a dangerous situation.” 

Jinyoung could understand why they would bet nervous about it but he knew the danger was better than the alternative. "I want to go there," Jinyoung said, "not 11.” He could see Jin’s expression soften. He breathed deep and looked pleadingly at his friend.

"Okay," Jin conceded, "we’ll make a case for 5 when we talk to the team later. I promise you we’ll do our best.” 

"Thank you," Jinyoung replied genuinely. 

He was feeling drowsy from the dose he’d taken but he didn't want it to show, so he worked to stay engaged with their conversation. Namjoon gave him a further rundown on the Districts and what was going on in Panem. Jinyoung failed to understand why he needed to ignite the revolution when it sounded like it was already in full swing, to which Namjoon explained that things were scattered and that the people lacked focus. That’s what they wanted him to give them; they needed him to remind everyone what they were fighting for, to keep the fire burning.

After dinner he wasn't left alone, Jin insisted on accompanying him everywhere he went. First, was back to his unit and from there he was called by Wooyoung to go to the top level to inspect his weapons. Jinyoung enjoyed looking over the weapons as Wooyoung had made an incredible bow for him with trick arrows and bomb arrows. It was fun to do a run through to test each part of his new weapons. Mark arrived a few minutes in to Jinyoung’s test run and showed that he had a similar bow. He gave Jinyoung some instructions on best to use it.

When they had finished, Jinyoung excused himself by saying he needed to use the restroom and still Jin followed him. Jinyoung said he wanted to find where Youngjae was and Jin went with him. After he found his brother they returned to their unit, and Jin stayed in their company until Youngmin got back. 

Jinyoung wasn't sure, but he got the feeling that the two had spoken. The way that Jin greeted his dad wasn't unfamiliar. He knew they met but it was different. Jinyoung wondered if they were conspiring to try and take away the help he’d been given. There was no way his father could know that the nurses had given him another bottle. His father had said he was going to suspend his prescription. In that case, he couldn’t know that Jinyoung could get more. 

Whatever the case was he found it annoying, because, as they got in to sleep, Jinyoung was left lying awake in his bed. As everyone fell asleep, he was tense and his mind was active. His heart was pounding and he could feel the familiar feelings that led to panic. He felt boxed in, emotionally and physically, from how small the unit was. He didn’t like that feeling. 

He waited till he was certain that everyone was asleep to make his move. At that point the symptoms had gotten worse and he knew he was running low on time before he’d be unable to breathe. He moved slow to get out of his bed so that he wouldn’t be caught. It was good for him Mark's grip was always loose, he slipped out of his arms easily without waking him and walked out the unit without making a sound.

He moved fast through the halls to get to his destination. The compound’s artificial lighting was dimmed for the night, but there were glowing lights along the paths that showed him the way. The units were all set up along railed walkways. If he leaned over the railing he could see down into the pit of the whole compound. There were lights going around each of the levels the entire way up and down. It was like they had taken one of the many towering buildings he witnessed in the Capitol and flipped it inside-out, before burying it deep within the earth. He wondered how deep it went, and how much they were capable of expanding without compromising the structural integrity of it all. He wondered how the children who grew up without the sun would view the world above when they finally made it out once the war was won.

He made it to the vents and opened the bottle of pills. He quickly swallowed four of the capsules dry, willing them to kick in before he found himself stuck in full panic mode. He sat slumped back against the wall as he waited for them to take effect. As they did, he then put a few of them in one of the zipped utility pockets of his jumpsuit. They wouldn't be visible, but he would have them more accessible if he couldn't get back to the vents. He got up after he felt like he could breathe and began to make his way back.

When he got back to the unit he realized someone else was awake and waiting for him. It was his father, and through the unit’s windows Jinyoung could him sitting at the table looking at something in his hands. He realized he couldn’t go back to his unit without getting into another fight. His father would demand to know his whereabouts but he would refuse to give them. He wasn’t sure what to do when he realized there was a place he could go that wouldn’t be suspicious. 

He turned and slipped away towards Taehyung and Yugyeom's room. He knew they would take him in without asking any questions. He opened the door to their unit and when he did Taehyung woke up. Jinyoung felt bad as he realized that Taehyung must have been on edge to the point that he wasn’t sleeping soundly. It made him wonder what they had endured to escape the Capitol and how it had affected them to be thrown into District 13’s prisons. He felt like it was partially his fault, they had done so much to help him. He asked if he could stay with them for the night to which Taehyung excitedly agreed. Jinyoung felt bad about his somewhat selfish reason for it, but he felt comfortable and safe in their company.

He fell asleep in Taehyung's bed, he was much calmer with the numbing effect taking hold and soothing his body towards sleep. He had no problem drifting off and surrendering to the feeling. 

When he woke in the morning it was because Jin was trying to get him out of bed. He resisted as much as he could but everyone was making so much noise. It wasn't just Jin there that morning, Mark, Hoseok and Jennie were also there and everyone was talking. He was told that Taehyung had tried to wake him up, but he wouldn't awaken no matter what the younger did so he had run to get Jin. Jinyoung wished he hadn’t because of how Jin was looking at him. The older boy’s eyes were heavy with worry. Jinyoung did his best to act like he didn't notice.

He was told that they had to style him for his launch to district 5. They wanted him to look camera ready so they could capture whatever he did at a moments notice. Taehyung worked deftly on him, but Jinyoung could see the boy’s hands shaking slightly as he did his job; the observation planted a guilty weight in his chest. He knew failing to wake up that morning had scared Taehyung.

"Jinyoung," Jin came in when he finished, "I want to talk to you before we ship out."

Jinyoung wasn’t in the mood for any conversations. Resistance seemed futile as it appeared Jin didn’t want to leave him alone about anything. All Jinyoung wanted for people to trust that he had everything under control; he was feeling fine and he was ready for visiting the districts.

"I have to change," Jinyoung responded, "then we'll talk." He knew that he couldn’t avoid talking forever and that if he attempted to that it would only look more suspicious. He took the armored outfit BamBam had made and went into a changing room alone. There he took two pills to keep himself calm and then he changed quickly.

He stashed the rest he had in one of the pockets in his armored clothing, he didn't want any of his friends finding them since he was leaving his jumpsuit behind. He had to be smart about how he kept the medicine hidden. Part of him wondered if just the very act of needing to hide the medicine was indicative that what he was doing was definitely wrong. He just knew that none of them could understand what he had gone through and what he was going through. He had the pressure of the whole war being placed on his shoulders, he needed all the help he could get.

When he walked out Jin was waiting for him as Jinyoung expected him to be. "What do you want to talk about?" Jinyoung asked, it was best to treat the conversation with as much honesty as he could. It would be easier to be honest then to tell lies that could inevitably lead to more lies.

"We have some time," Jin said, "take a seat." Jinyoung sat across from him at the table that was in the room they were in. "This isn't going to be an easy conversation, and I am sure you know what it is I want to discuss.” Jinyoung nodded in agreement to Jin’s statement.

“Do you want to talk about my prescription?" He asked. Jinyoung could see the surprise on the elders face. He likely expected Jinyoung to try to dodge the questions he had. Jinyoung knew that he couldn’t do that, he had to lead the conversation.

"Jinyoung do you know which doctor ordered you those drugs?” Jin asked him.

"I don't," Jinyoung said honestly, "I was given three by the nurses one of the nights I woke up panicked, one that you weren't there for. I knocked out fast on them. They gave me one each morning as well and if I refused to take it they’d get mad and inject it. When I was discharged they gave me a bottle of them, they said they were for my anxiety and would help keep me calm. I didn't want them, I felt like they numbed me down but the nightmares didn't stop and the panic stopped. I thought if Mark was there it would help but it didn't. The medicine is the only thing that helped me.”

"So you took something they gave you without any questions as to what it could be?" Jin asked. Jinyoung didn’t feel like Jin was paying attention to the important part of what he’d said.

"I didn't need to know what it was,” Jinyoung stated, "they said it would prevent me from developing psychosis. They told me I had panic disorder and anxiety disorder which are exactly what I’ve dealt with since the first games. What they said was true, it has helped me so why would I question it?” 

Jinyoung had been sure Jin had known that they were giving him calming medicine in the hospital. It was why he’d been fine during the days there despite struggling through the nights. Jin was in the hospital telling them that he didn't need to be on sedatives. He thought Jin was more aware of what was going on than he seemed to be by his questioning.

"Jinyoung are you still taking them?" Jin asked. Jinyoung knew to that question he had to lie and he had to do it convincingly.

"No," Jinyoung responded, "my dad found the bottle the other night and told me he didn't want me on them anymore. I argued with him about it but he also had the doctor revoke my prescription. He doesn’t understand why I was on them. I tried to explain but he has never listened to me.” He clenched his fists. Jin's eyes narrowed which was clear indication that he didn't believe Jinyoung. There was evidence against him and he knew it. The fact that he was in such a deep sleep the past few nights, that he hadn't had any indications of panic that they could see. Of course Jin wouldn't believe him.

"Did your nightmares get worse between the time that you were in the hospital and the time that you decided to take these drugs?" Jin asked a very pointed question and as Jinyoung thought about it an important one.

"They did," he said honestly. It had all gotten much worse because the more time that passed without Jaebum the worse his thoughts had gotten. The harder it had gotten to just keep going like nothing had happened.

"And now that you've stopped again," Jin seemed to be trying to make a point, "have things gotten worse again?" Jinyoung knew that the question wasn’t an easy one to answer, because there was no evidence of him being bad off like the last time. He was actually functioning well with the drugs in his system. He felt like he was doing better than he had felt in a long time.

"I wasn't taking that many," Jinyoung used an excuse, "the bottle said only one a day, so I kept to that. It hasn't been bad since I stopped. I’ve been so focused on the mission ahead, I am glad I have something to do. I think that helps me feel better overall about what happened, knowing I can make a difference.” The expression on Jin's face and the tenseness of this conversation were telling to Jinyoung. He was sure that Jin had talked to his dad about the drugs and that was why he was questioning Jinyoung like he was.

"Okay," Jin leaned back, "that's all I wanted to ask." Jin then got up and left the room, Jinyoung was confused by the conversation. It had been over much easier than he had expected it to be. Jin didn’t push him too hard for answers and that left him relieved. He had handled it just fine.

He got up and followed after Jin as he knew they had to get on their hovercraft. They had a two hour flight to district five ahead of them. When he had gone out before it was a short flight to 12.

The team that would be around him was made up of Jin, Namjoon, Hoseok, and Mark as well as others he wasn’t familiar with. They were introduced to him as he entered the hovercraft. The leader of the operation was General Nickhun and with him was a unit that had been dubbed X. He was told the unit was made up of seven of the best trained fighters in District 13. Their names were Shownu, Jooheon, Wonho, Kihyun, Minhyuk, Hyungwon, and I.M. Jinyoung was sure he would end up forgetting their names at some point. They all seemed to be close friends as well.

Another person who was accompanying them was a woman who was originally from the Capitol. Her name was Fei and she had defected five years before. He was told she was a fighter but the real reason she was on the mission was to monitor the filming. She would be framing the videos of what happened within the districts for JYP. She was their director of operations.

Jinyoung didn’t feel comfortable with all the other unfamiliar faces in the craft. He sat next to Mark, and hoped that people weren’t going to star at him the whole ride. It was quiet in the hovercraft and the silence was comforting to his nerves.

The two hours did not go by quickly. Jinyoung wished there were easier to see viewports to remind him he wasn’t being taken to an arena. The thought did affect him ever so slightly, he was trying to stay under control. He was aided by the dose of drugs he’d taken but he knew he wouldn’t have a chance to take more. He was determined that he wouldn’t panic when they hadn’t even reached the location.

Eventually they started making their descent and from the windows in the front if the craft Jinyoung saw a view of a district he had never seen before. It was breathtaking to see a district from the sky but at the same time eye opening. Everything in the fence line looked like hell compared to that on the outside. He was in awe thinking of it as in and Namjoon’s home. It had been Jungkook’s home. He’d seen a different view of it on tour. He could see from above that it looked like bombs had been dropped in certain parts of the town. Buildings were broken down everywhere. Not like 12, they couldn’t decimate a district that had their generators and the workers who upheld them.

They landed the hovercraft in the victor’s village. Jinyoung looked out in awe of what he saw. It was more elaborate than the victors village in District 12 and as the doors open he saw the sights of children running towards them. He realized that they were the orphans that the victors had taken in. There was an elder couple watching over them and he saw them look at someone in their group. Jinyoung watched as Jin stepped forward and approached them.

"They're his parents," Namjoon said to fill Jinyoung in on the missing detail. The woman embraced Jin with tears streaming down her face. He had never spoken of his parents and Jinyoung hadn't known he would have left them behind if he did die in the arena. Jinyoung stepped forward cautiously as he was unsure what to do or what was expected of him. 

The children that ran around had clearly been cared for by Jin’s parents when the victors had been taken away for the fight. They hadn’t been able to return because the Capitol had been hunting them. Jinyoung realized if they could then Jin and Namjoon would likely stay in 5. Jin's dad embraced him as well, there seemed to be a lot of love between the older victor and his parents. Jin began to wave him over the others were staying back. Jinyoung was frozen and unsure what to do so Namjoon grabbed his arm and led him over.

"Jinyoung," Jin said, "this is my mother and my father, they've been wanting to meet you." The woman smiled warmly and embraced him.

"Thank you for saving my boys life," she spoke softly but with so much warmth and sincerity in her voice. 

"I didn't do anything," Jinyoung denied the need for thanks, ”Namjoon did the hard part.” Very few people gave Namjoon the credit he deserved for giving his all in that moment. He had the hardest job of all of them, entreating their enemy. He’d had to bow before the man who had sent them all in an arena to die and beg for mercy. That was more difficult than sitting by Jin’s side and singing to him while waiting for an answer.

"What you did and what the people saw,” Jin’s mother said, "that is what made the difference." Jinyoung was stunned by her words, and Jin's father hugged him as well. The amount of warmth they exuded made sense and Jinyoung related it to why Jin was so kind. 

Jinyoung and Mark were invited into the house while Namjoon went to find the district’s leaders. He was apparently an important figure in the district despite being the youngest victor. He had a natural charisma that the people loved and followed. 

Jin's parents spent the time scolding him and asking him about his living situation in district 13. They were so loving and they clearly doted on him. Jin was very much like them as he worked to speak to and address each of the orphans. They were all asking where Yoongi was, and why he hadn't come back. Jinyoung was saddened by the question as none of them knew what had happened to him. Jinyoung sat watching when one of the little girls approached him and held her arms out to him. Jinyoung reached for her and picked her up, he didn't know why she would want him but she did. She smiled at him and reached a hand to touch his hair. 

"She likes you," Jin said. The little girl was so cute with braided hair and big eyes. Her eyes were watching him as if curious about him and Jinyoung found himself wondering about her as well. Jinyoung didn't know what to do or what to say to her. He knew how to act with older kids like Jungkook had been but he had no idea how to react to the little girl in his arms. She put a hand on his face and he melted from how cute she was.

"She doesn't talk," Jin explained to fill him in, "her name is Lilly. She was orphaned 3 years ago." She was so small, and he realized it meant she probably wouldn't ever remember her parents. He wondered how the Capitol handled children who were orphaned so young. She couldn’t have worked in the generators.

"Hi," Jinyoung said to her. She just looked at him with her big eyes occasionally blinking.

"She knows you from TV," Jin said, "not the games, we wouldn’t let the children watch the games. She knows you from the tour and the interviews. She does like you a lot. It normally takes her awhile to warm up to strangers." He wondered why she would like him and if it was just that he was familiar because she’d seen him before.

"What happens with these kids?" Jinyoung asked. He was curious as to how the group cared for them when there were so many.

"We just took them all in right after the last games," Jin said, "it's a new thing. When it started we wanted to give them new homes as soon as we could. A few families took some of them in but there are a lot of kids here, as I am sure you noticed. So my parents decided to help raise them as best they could. We all helped but for obvious reasons we can't be here anymore so others have volunteered their time to help.”

Jinyoung watched as the little girl Lilly laid her head against him and closed her eyes to fall asleep. He wondered what she was feeling that made it so she wouldn't speak or if it was just something physical. He felt very fond of her within the short amount of time that he’d held her. He wondered about what she was thinking in her head when she had walked to sit with him.

Namjoon came back with two men following him and Jin's mom took Lilly from Jinyoung. "Okay we're going to see the front lines," Namjoon said, "come on." Jinyoung stood up and walked towards the group. Jin lingered for a moment to hug both his parents. They all left the house together. 

"Bye," Jinyoung said to a group of kids that were watching him. They all looked shy as he continued off with his friends.

He walked out and the whole team was ready and fell in step behind Namjoon’s leadership. They headed into the main village. The structures here were much larger and the way Jinyoung evaluated it, the buildings almost looked mechanical. It was completely different from how things looked in 12. Jinyoung was in awe of even the broken down building sand as they came to a different part of town. The differences were astounding to him.

He was amazed at the other details he noticed. The train tracks had been torn up past the fence which was broken down, the train station had been burned to the ground entirely. The Capitol couldn't get goods from the other districts by train because of it. They were cut off from the districts past 5. The people had done it of their own volition. He saw the people as they passed through and they looked tired. They’d been fighting hard for weeks and it had clearly begun to take it’s toll.

The people stopped what they were doing when their eyes fell on the group. Their eyes looked not just to Jinyoung; Namjoon and Jin were their factors and they knew them well. Their eyes also settled on Jinyoung and many of them stayed staring at him. They probably wondered about him, wondered if he was there to fight..

"How many wounded do you have?" Jinyoung asked as he saw people with various bandages on them. What he saw was the cost of war. Many would die in the war fought and many would lose things. Many were willing to make that sacrifice and that was why District 5 had won as much as they had. He saw that the people looked worn down but they were still resilient. They had all put up a fight and now they were all seeing their hero they thought had died. He also saw some of the orphan children from the victors village were following them and running around through the streets to watch them.

"Jinyoung," one of the men said, "have you come to fight for us?" He wasn’t sure how to respond, he wasn’t sure he’d be allowed to fight but he wanted to. He wanted to do all he could for them.

"He's alive," he heard someone else say. The Capitol had declared him dead, they’d tried to crush the people’s spirit yet they had failed.

"We have many wounded,”one man said, he was a leader, "we keep them in several of the town hall buildings and are working to provider them with care. These people fought hard with their lives to claim this land. It wasn’t easy but we’ve won much.” As they walked through everyone was staring at him and people began to follow them. He saw Fei and one of the team trailing at a different distance with a camera as the people followed. And Jinyoung walked carefully on his way. The district had seen so much death.

Sometimes he wondered if it was worth it. To loose everything in hope that they could change it. He feared that the Capitol was too strong and that Yang was too cunning for them to defeat. In those moments as the saw the sacrifice and determination of one district he wondered if there was any way they could lose. He wondered how long the Capitol could stand to the strength of the people united.

He followed and entered the town hall which was a room full of chatter and fell silent as he stepped in. All eyes were on him, looking too him in awe. He was nothing, he didn’t understand the difference that he made for them but if he could make a difference he would keep trying.

Jinyoung looked around at the devastation and was shocked at how bad it was. There were people missing limbs, people with bad burns and some that looked to be barely hanging on. No one exempt from injury. There were men, women and children all there in front of him. Everyone had fought the fight together. His heart jumped as he looked at their faces. They were so earnest, so strong in how they looked to him. His breath caught and he wanted to weep for them. 

He wanted to weep for the level of oppression they’d all experienced. He wanted to cry for the years of pain, for the generations who had no hope. He wanted to cry for their future and let his tears water the ground as if they could be enough to grow a new world. He didn’t know if he was strong enough to carry their hope. He didn’t know what strength he had left in him but he wanted to fight for them. He wanted to be enough for them. With how they looked at him he wanted to be their hope. He breathed deep and held it all inside.

"Jinyoung," Fei spoke his name to get his attention, "do you have anything to say?" Jinyoung looked around at the earnestness and hope on people's faces. Seeing him brought them hope and he understood that though he didn’t know why. He looked at them with earnestness and knew that he should speak.

“Hello,” Jinyoung began to speak, "as you can see I'm alive." He wasn’t sure what to say. He knew that the answer was just to speak from his heart but it wasn’t easy when he wasn’t sure what to do.

"Have you come to fight for us?" He was asked the same question he heard out in the streets. The people wanted someone to fight for them. They didn’t have anyone but him, they’re symbol and their inspiration.

"Yes I have,” Jinyoung said to the boy who had asked, "I have come to bring a message of hope, that we can and we will win this war. We are strong, we are united and together we are enough to bring Yang to his knees.” He spoke with all the conviction he could and they responded.

They put their fingers to their lips and held them up in a show of solidarity, a show of strength and belief. Jinyoung knew what a heavy burden had been placed on his shoulders, he felt that weight as he watched them. Where he stood he knew he was accepting their hope in him. Doing that meant there was no turning back on the deal he’d made. It was about so much more than the things he wanted. It was about the pain of a people in chains who wanted freedom.

He had agreed because he knew he could make a deal and get an army on his side for a plan to rescue Jaebum but it had turned into much more when he looked at those people. He knew he could never turn his back on them; Chae was right it needed to change. This was their chance to finally break the system. It was a chance to end the Hunger Games for good and to establish a government of fairness. He could make a difference just by being there for them. He didn't know why, he would never really know why but the people looked at him and gained hope.

"This has just begun," Jinyoung spoke to the people with strength he didn’t know he had, "soon every district will rise up. Soon everyone in Panem will stand against the people who did this and against the ones who sought to break us apart. The Capitol has kept us separated for so long, it is time we prepare to rise together.” 

He didn't want to speak long or say anything grand or make promises but he knew that the war was just beginning. That the rebellion wouldn't end suddenly, it would take time and they would have to stay united for however long it took.

He walked through the makeshift hospital the whole afternoon, through every room. He took people's hands and spoke to them to encourage them. He watched their dispositions change as he spent time with each and every one of them. Fei followed him and his team captured each moment on camera. Jinyoung didn't care about what they were doing, he cared about the fact he could make a difference simply by being there with them. He was determined that he would fight to make whatever difference that he could.

When he was done, when he had seen every person there was it was late afternoon and time for them to head back to 13. They walked back to the victors village which had completely become the town's orphanage with all the victors houses there. Namjoon said goodbye to each child with a kiss to the top of their heads. Mark stayed back with Jinyoung as they watched Jin say goodbye to his parents. His mother was tearful and Jinyoung felt saddened that Jin couldn’t stay with his family.

She had gotten word he was alive after the games but Jinyoung could see how worried she was about him. They were all still fighting for their lives, there was no end to the worries. His father seemed a bit more distant but still loving of his son.

A child ran across the road to him and he realized it was Lilly, the little girl from earlier. In her hand was a small flower. She ran straight to him, a big smile on her face and reached up to hand him the flower. He took it from her, the simple gesture changed something within him. He felt like he had been emotionally spent as he had given everything he had to the people. Her felt like Lilly was giving him something back and he knelt down to give her a hug to thank her for the flower. She had a bright smile when he let her go and she turned and ran back towards Jin's parents. Jinyoung noticed Jin had watched the exchange and that the older boy was smiling at him.

On the flight back Jinyoung was antsy, he could feel his body as if it was almost starting to run slightly faster. The air on the hovercraft felt a bit warm, his heart was pounding and he could hear it in his ears. It was all almost like a panic attack except he was able to hold it together just a bit better and it came on as if it wasn’t anything to do with him. 

He caught both Jin and Namjoon's eyes on him throughout the fight. He had noticed how close the two were, if Jin had been taking notes on what was going on with him it was likely Namjoon knew what Jin knew. Jinyoung closed his eyes and clenched his fists, he had to hold it together till they got back. Till he could run and calm himself with the medication. 

When the plane landed Jinyoung rushed out and Jin followed. He knew he wouldn’t loose him but he had a dosage of the drugs with him. He walked quickly towards the restroom area for cover. There he could have a moment of peace, a second to fix it. His head was hurting and he felt sensitive to the sounds around him. He rushed into one of the stalls and quickly took two of the pills. He took a moment to breathe but he knew he couldn’t stay there for long or they might suspect. When he left the stall he found Jin was waiting for him as he expected.

It took a bit the calming effect to start to relax him. Jin stayed with him for the rest of the evening. They went for food together and went back to Jinyoung’s unit together. Jinyoung wasn't frustrated by the other being there as he usually was. He had at least four pills with him left for the evening and he would find a way to take them if he needed them. He would have to go back to the vents get more sometime in the morning. He could figure it out when the morning came. 

That evening he hadn’t expected events to turn out the way they did. Mark had taken Youngjae out to show him something and Jinyoung just wasn't interested in spending more time outside his unit. Jin stayed with him and they talked a bit about how his day went. When Jinyoung’s father came back Jin left. Jinyoung felt awkward as he was left alone with his dad. His dad was watching him. The older man seemed fixated on every move he made as he sat reading one of the books he’d brought back from Jaebum’s house.

"Jinyoung," his father said his name and Jinyoung ignored him. He was good at ignoring people when he wanted to. "Jinyoung I need to talk to you." Jinyoung continued to ignore him. The man in the room was nothing to him, he didn't even qualify in the position of father. He didn't get to be one, he was too late.

"Jinyoung please," his father begged for his attention. Jinyoung wasn't accustomed to the tone of the older man’s response, but it didn't move him. Not after all he had done. He deserved nothing and Jinyoung would stay stubborn.

"Please," his father repeated the plea again, "I want to help you." He couldn't help him. He’d never tried before because he never could. "Jinyoung I am begging you to give me a chance.”

"You don't get a chance," Jinyoung finally snapped his head up from his book, "you don't get to decide anything about me. What the hell is this to you? You can't play at father now, you're too late." The man looked hurt. He felt nothing but anger towards him. He was completely unmoved by his fathers pleas. As he glared at the man he watched as his fathers eyes changed.

"You're still on the drugs,” his father said and the man’s face went white. Jinyoung's heart leapt in his chest. How could he know? He couldn't know for sure. Jinyoung was sure no one could no.

"I'm not," Jinyoung denied the accusation, "you took that prescription away, I couldn't get more if I wanted to." That was all his father had to believe. He’d revoked the prescription and Jinyoung was cut off. There was no other way for Jinyoung to get them. His dad didn’t know about the nurse, he didn’t know about where Jinyoung had hidden the pill bottle. There was no evidence and he didn’t understand how his father could call him out on something when there was no evidence.

"You're falling in deep," his father sounded broken, frightened, "Jinyoung do you even realize what this is doing to you?" 

"I don't have them!" Jinyoung shouted back. His father looked terrified and Jinyoung’s heart rate increased. How could he keep hiding it if his dad was so scared? He faltered and he felt guilt and shame beginning to fill to him. He was lying, he knew that.

"You don't know the path you're going down," he claimed and Jinyoung felt defensive. He wouldn’t have to lie if his father hadn’t tried to take it from him. If his father had tried to understand what he needed. He wouldn’t have to lie if the his father hadn’t spent his whole life ignoring Jinyoung. He’d made him the way he was. If his father had been a father to him then he would never have gotten so bad after the games.

"Will you just give it up?" Jinyoung asked, "why don't you believe me?" He couldn’t help but to keep fighting against his father.

"Because you're not acting like yourself," he responded with desperation in his voice, "and that isn't because of the games, you're acting different because of what this drug is doing to you. Do you even know why they're giving it to you? Do you know their motives? You can’t trust them, Jinyoung please…”

Jinyoung looked at his fathers face and thought of the question. He thought of Jin's question about how things got worse when he didn’t have them. But he knew the difference was his father had never helped him with his anxiety. His father had never tried to help him. He’d berated him for the things he couldn’t control, for the reactions that he had to the darkness he’d seen. For the first time in his life something was helping him.

Not the first time.

He remembered. 

Jaebum had helped him. 

Jaebum had been everything to him. 

Jaebum had been left behind.

Jinyoung didn't have Jaebum with him anymore, he just had this. He had an answer, a solution that worked. It worked, it made him better. He needed to keep it because it was all he had left.

"I'm not myself," Jinyoung responded, "who I was before, that person is gone. You think that you know what is going on but you don't. How could you know anything about me when you never cared enough to pay attention? You never cared enough to protect your own children. You can’t care now when you never have!” The man looked shaken, guilty and regretful but not ready to give up on his fight. Jinyoung didn't even know why. He was shaking, angry at his father.

"You're wrong Jinyoung," his said, "I cared, I just lost myself. Like you are losing yourself now. I know what it's like to numb the pain, to dull it away, I really do. But this is not the answer. This isn’t helping you, it will alienate you from the people you love and it will tear you apart bit by bit. Please, you have to listen to me and stop this now before it’s too late. I love you too much to let you destroy yourself.”

Jinyoung didn't respond, he sat frozen as he stared at his father. He wasn’t sure what to say, how to keep fighting. He wasn’t sure what to do. He didn’t know how to reconcile the words coming out of the man's mouths with the actions and all the resentment that he held towards him. His father had never loved him, he couldn’t love him. And that was when his father did something he didn't expect the older man to do.

In his whole life he never remembered his father hugging him, holding him. And when his father put his arms around him Jinyoung didn't push him away. Jinyoung started crying. It was so arresting, disarming… What was happening was something he had needed for so long. 

Tears poured from his eyes. His father gripped him tightly, fiercely with all the love he could give and that broke something inside Jinyoung. The part of him that was desperate for his fathers love.

A part of him he thought he had buried so deep that it would never be found again.

He was broken by it, unguarded and bare. It didn't mean he would own up to everything but it did break the part of him that had been resisting his father. He realized he’d resisted the man’s love. He’d convinced himself that he didn’t need it. 

It broke him to finally feel what he wanted, what he needed. His father loved him and he needed that. Need had always been there. He never could kill it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know Jinyoung's dad was the absolute worst in book 2 but things are different now.
> 
> The action is going to rev up as next chapter Jinyoung will be confronted with the reality of what the drugs he is on are doing to him. It is called "Increased Pressure."
> 
> As always please comment and let me know what you think. Comments are a really wonderful way to let a writer know their work is appreciated.
> 
> I'm in school now so there has been a slowdown but thank you all for reading my stories.


	5. Increased Pressure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> President Chae pushes Jinyoung towards somewhere he won't go and the pressure leads him to snapping.

Jinyoung awoke with an intense headache the next morning. He had only taken two of the pills the night before to sleep, he didn’t want to scare everyone by not waking up easily. He hated that all the lights in the unit were on. He could hear his father and Youngjae talking loudly and all he wanted to do was stay in bed. He felt like there was a band around his head squeezing him. The pain caused him to whimper as he woke up. 

Mark asked him what was wrong and Jinyoung tried to hide that anything was off. His father brought him a container of water and told him to drink all of it. He wanted out of his unit. He wanted them to all get away from him, it was too hot there. Jinyoung’s father didn’t want to leave for the medical ward and Jinyoung just wanted him to go. He was beginning to understand what all he was experiencing meant, he needed to take more of the medicine for it to all go away. He couldn’t take it with his family hovering around him.

Eventually, Jin came and his father and the others left. It got worse with Jin being there, Jinyoung knew wasn’t going to get a chance to be alone. Jin had Taehyung bring him food and more water. Just as he suspected, he wasn’t left alone for a second, and he when he finally went to a restroom stall to take the two remaining pills he knew it wasn’t enough. He needed more to stop the pain in his head completely. He felt his eyes had become sensitive to light, the persistent discomfort he was in had become frightening.

Jinyoung had a meeting with the whole team for the afternoon to review the footage from District 5 and the edits that JYP had come up with. He needed to get more of the medication before then or he would be feeling horrible. The two he had taken calmed his symptoms dramatically, but he needed to take more before it all came back. Jin was forcing him to eat everything Taehyung brought back to their unit. Jin knew, he so obviously knew that Jinyoung’s condition wasn't something to come on suddenly. 

Jinyoung could see how Jin was responding to him. Jinyoung wasn't stupid, he knew it was becoming a problem, Jinyoung was building a growing dependance on the medication. That was something that frightened him but he was stubborn. The medicine was the only thing that could stop the pain, he needed it. He couldn't make it stop by himself.

Taehyung helped him clean up to prepare for his meeting. Jinyoung was glad he had Taehyung to help him look presentable because he had to represent himself well for the officials. 

When they arrived, JYP had already begun playing one of the videos he had made with the footage from the day before. It was of Jinyoung speaking to the people in it’s beginning. As the video continued it showed Jinyoung with a wounded child and showed him taking his time with a variety of people. It showed him taking their hands talking with them kindly. It was a beautiful edit of the clips JYP had chosen to showcase. Jinyoung felt like he wasn't watching himself but someone else. Surely it wasn’t him who had done those things.

"This is amazing," President Chae said when the video ended, she looked to Jinyoung. "It seems our faith in you was not misplaced. Let's run the footage tonight, make sure the people in every district see it. This is a good first step in kindling the flames of our cause.” He breathed in relief. He was glad he could do something to make a difference. After seeing those people all he wanted to do was help them. 

"We will do it," Wooyoung said, "I got through the comm system in every district. We’ll arrange timetables to get the maximum amount of viewers possible.”

"Good," she responded, "we'll play it here as well to let the people see exactly what the rest of Panem will be seeing. Tomorrow we'll send Jinyoung to District 11 with the crew and continue to get the footage we need. This operation is going well and I am very pleased with the results so far.” 

Jinyoung heard the name of the place he didn't want to go to and ignored the rest of what she had to say. “I will not be going to 11," Jinyoung said, "pick a different district." 

Everyone in the room looked at him, the president looked annoyed. She seemed to be in a constant state of annoyance when it came to him. He only felt he was trying to be clear about what it was he was most comfortable with doing. He didn’t feel comfortable with District 11.

"Is this another one of you demands?" Chae asked with a tone of irritation. 

He glared at her in response. He felt she had no right to be irritated with him for making his desires clear. "I can't go there," Jinyoung stated, "any other district would be better than that one."

"Jinyoung, you don't get to demand which districts we are sending you to," she seemed affronted by his demand, "11 is where you will be going tomorrow, and I don't want you to argue with me over it. We have good reason why that is the perfect district for your next appearance.” 

Jinyoung was feeling on edge, he didn't want to do it and he didn’t want to be backed into it. He wanted to go somewhere else. "Please," Jinyoung decided to beg her to listen to him, "not 11." He was sure if he went to 11 that no drugs could keep the nightmares at bay. Even saying it, thinking it, all he could see was Jihyun’s face as he put his hands around Jinyoung’s throat.

"Are you feeling okay Jinyoung?" President Chae asked him, her tone was one of annoyance, "you seem a bit tired, perhaps you’re not resting well enough?”

He clenched his fists as his heart pounded slightly. He didn’t like the way she was looking at him, like within a moment her face had transformed into one of hatred. He blinked and the expression was gone, replaced by simple annoyance.

"I'm fine," Jinyoung replied, "I have my reasons, I can't go to 11.” He made sure to emphasize his words so that she could hear he was serious.

"What reasons are these?" Chae asked. He was taken back that she continued to push at him.

"He doesn't want to go," Namjoon spoke up in his defense, "that should be the end of the issue, District 9 would also be a safe one for him to go to. You don't have to insist on 11, it doesn’t make that much of a difference.” Jinyoung was relieved that Namjoon had spoken up

"I have my own reasons as to why I would like to send you to 11,” President Chae said, "but I am really interested in Jinyoung's. Please Jinyoung do enlighten me as to why you’re objecting so strongly.”

Jinyoung felt like breath was catching in his throat as his mind flashed back to the things that happened. Zico yanked him up by his hair and threatened to kill him. Ji-hyun tried to use him to kill Jaebum, then tried to smother him. Those things were things he couldn't erase, they were the darkest nightmares in his mind. That last fight in the arena stuck with him and he couldn’t claw it out.

He realized his hands were shaking. Everything was sharp in his body, tense like a wire about to snap. He felt dizzy as it all started to replay in his mind and his eyes met Chae’s. She trying to make him tell her what was going on in his head and that was the most terrifying thing of all. He couldn’t talk about it.

"Stop it!” Jin spoke up in anger towards her, "this does nothing for you! If you want Jinyoung to do a good job with all this you can't put him in situations just because you feel like it’s a good idea. We'll go to 9 tomorrow and you will agree to it or else we’re not doing anything for you.” 

Jinyoung was grateful that the other victors had stepped in but he worried about any ultimatum in which they stopped working with 13. His mind instantly remembered his plan to rescue Jaebum depended wholly on having Chae’s army and resources at his disposal. He couldn’t do that if she didn’t agree. He would have to go to 11 if only to keep hope that he could save Jaebum.

"Fine," Chae leaned back and spoke like she was tired, "you may go to district 9 tomorrow. Now you are all dismissed.” 

Jinyoung got up fast, he knew he needed to get away from everyone and he wouldn’t get the chance again. He heard Jin call his name but he ran. He didn't want the memories that came, nor the near panic that was clearly eating into him. He needed to get away from everyone.

Jinyoung ran with all he had and he didn't stop running until he made it to the vents and the place where his medicine was hidden. He was near hyperventilating when he got the drugs down his throat. He took two to calm down followed by more immediately after they took effect, he needed more to shut it down completely. He lost count when he took them, only focused on how he just needed calm in his body. His thoughts slowed down, his heart beat slowed and the pulse beneath his skin was no longer racing. He breathed easy as numbness filed his mind and consciousness. It was what he’d wanted, it was what he needed…

Then it started to hit him, the drowsiness that went beyond just a numbing feeling. His heavy eyelids slid shut and felt his body losing all grip on reality. It was like every muscle in his body was released, slack. He began to fade into unconsciousness and he could hardly think. He didn't fight the feeling, he accepted it readily. He let it take him and grip him and pull him down deep. He fell asleep in the ventilation pipe, alone in a place where no one would know to come and disturb him.

…

…

...

—————

 

It was a frantic afternoon as Jin spent much of his time comforting Taehyung. Mark, Namjoon and Jinyoung's father Youngmin had been searching everywhere for Jinyoung. He’d gone missing without a single lead and they hadn't found any trace of him. They’d asked everyone they could and no one knew where he was.

Everything that was happening was terrifying to Jin because Jin could reason as to what might have happened. Jinyoung looked pale in the meeting with Chae. He’d been off for so long and it all pointed to the drugs the doctors had given him. Jinyoung had run and if he had access to the drugs Jin was worried if they would find him before it was too late. Jin couldn’t help his worries as they kept searching and kept waiting for news from the others.

Jin leveled with everyone about what was going on. He told Jinyoung’s whole prep team, Taehyung, Yugyeom, Jennie, and Hani, what it was that Jinyoung had been doing. The reality sank deep for all of them but Taehyung was the one who responded the most outright. The kid broke down crying, he was so upset by it that Jin had stayed back with him while the others kept searching for Jinyoung.

Jin had asked his questions in a careful way the day before in attempt to catch Jinyoung's bluff. He had seen it so quickly in the way Jinyoung answered every question and how defensive he was about his own reasoning. Jinyoung lied easily and anyone else would have been fooled but Jin had seen it before. He’d seen it in his own father and the way that man had been able to conceal his demons with a clever mix of the truth into his lies. Jinyoung was still very much on the drugs and that was even more evident with how irritable he’d become, how quickly he’d crash down and seek to be alone. It was there in the way he wouldn’t wake up from deep slumber.

The last mystery left was how Jinyoung had managed to hide the drugs from them, where he was keeping them. Jinyoung's father had searched the unit top to bottom several times and found no trace of them. Jin had spent a lot of time interrogating different nurses to try and find who was ordering them to be given to Jinyoung. No one fessed up to doing it. It was apparent that no one would.

Jin watched Jinyoung closely as much as he could for days. There were times be seemed fine and those were the times Jin wanted to believe nothing was wrong. But the way he had woken up in the morning, it was apparent the side effects were catching up to him. He would need more and more to keep himself calm. He would try to get more and more until the addiction had solidified into something that he’d struggle to break. It hadn't been that long since they had arrived here in 13 and the speed at which the drugs were taking hold of Jinyoung was alarming. His predisposition to dependance and the nature of the drugs given to him had created a perfect storm.

What angered Jin the most was that Jinyoung was ever handed a pill bottle in the first place. It was deliberate, it was sabotage. Someone wanted him addicted but they had no evident leads to where it all came from. Who had authorized it? Who had allowed it? Jin wanted to figure it all out, but everyone involved was covering it up and continuing to give him a dangerous substance. They didn’t care about his life maybe more than that, maybe they wanted Jinyoung’s life to end.

"What's going on?" a familiar voice asked a question and Jin turned to see Jackson Wang in the doorway, "I saw Mark running through the cafeteria earlier and Yugyeom looks like someone killed his cat. What happened?" There was concern on his face and Jin was surprised that he hadn’t heard. Why had no one asked his help? Jackson was their friend and he got on with a lot of people in 13. He could have leads they wouldn’t be able to explore without him.

"Yugyeom doesn't have a cat hyung," Taehyung pointed out even if his voice sounded like half the person Jin had gotten to know. He seemed so out of it, he sounded so broken. 

"Jinyoung's gone missing," Jin explained to Jackson. 

"Since when?" Jackson asked. Jin had hoped that Jackson had some lead but he hadn’t even heard that Jinyoung was missing. It all seemed like an obvious play to bring Jackson into the search.

“He went missing 4 hours ago. We had a meeting with Chae that didn’t go well and he ran off.” Jin knew context was always important when explaining a situation. The meeting had been horrible. Jin hadn’t expected Chae to pressure Jinyoung like she did.

"He could just be trying to get some alone time," Jackson spoke. His expression was pensive as if he was trying to think through the problem himself..

"No, he's been dealing with a more serious problem on top of all this that makes this frightening.”

"Does this have to do with the drugs?" Jackson asked, which surprised Jin, “The ones the nurses give him?" He didn’t expect Jackson to know anything about it. Jinyoung didn’t talk to Jackson.

"Wait," Jin expressed words with his surprise, "how did you know about that?"

"I escorted Jinyoung to his first meeting with President Chae," Jackson responded, "after the meeting he told me that he had to stop by the hospital for a refill on medication. I went with him to make sure he was okay. He was super defensive about the drugs he was given when I asked what they were for. He wouldn’t tell me anything about why he was taking them.”

"Could you identify the nurse who gave him the refill?" Jin asked, suddenly realizing Jackson had more evidence than the rest of them did. 

“Yes I could,” Jackson responded.

"What did she say about him returning so soon?" Jin asked, curious as to how Jinyoung was getting so much of a dangerous substance. Everything seemed like sabotage. Everything seemed like someone wanted Jinyoung so addicted that he wasn’t of any use to them.

"She asked him if the treatment was working," Jackson said, “but she didn’t ask any other questions." Jin was happy that Jackson had come when he had, the District 4 victor could help them get answers. Jin knew that answers were as important as finding Jinyoung. They needed to stop the supply of the drugs he was getting as well and to do that they needed to find out who was involved.

"Jackson," Jin said, "come with me now, we need to get to the bottom of this. I need your help.” Jackson nodded and Jin was relieved that he would help.

"I want to come with you," Taehyung declared, "the people who hurt Jinyoung hyung need to be stopped. I want to help stop them.” Jin didn't doubt that Taehyung really cared about Jinyoung so he decided he would agree. Taehyung seemed so innocent but he understood everything that was happening. 

"Okay," Jin said, “we have to go now.” 

They ran, all feeling the urgency of all that was happening. There was no time to waste so they ran to the hospital, their District 13 standard boots resounding loudly against the metal and concrete floors with every impatient footfall. They got dirty looks from the people that saw them rush by but they didn’t care. Jin was just eager to do whatever he could to fix what was going wrong. He couldn’t imagine how bad things would get if they were left to continue.

They made it into the hospital but they weren't allowed deep into it. No one could go back without authorization so they couldn’t just charge in and search. They would have to wait. They would have to ask and to wait until she left the restricted area. It was possible that nurse wasn’t even there but Jin wanted to chance it. He needed to know who it was who was responsible for the mess they were facing.

They waited a long time within the lobby. They asked to speak to the nurses so many times and they were told to keep waiting over and over. Jackson understood what his job was and that he needed to identify the nurse involved so Jin could question her. Jin didn’t have to explain it to him. When the nurse appeared Jackson pointed her out easily and she seemed surprised to see people looking for her.

"We need to talk to you!" Jin demanded her to speak to them.

"Yes?" The nurse asked politely, she was the picture of calm. Jin felt bad for shouting at her.

"What do you know about the prescription and treatment being given to Park Jinyoung?" Jin asked straight to the point, "he's on a benzodiazepine that isn't given to patients outside of a hospital and we want to know why. Which doctor wrote that prescription? Who would dare to let a boy with potential psychosis handle his own medication like this?”

"Calm down," the nurse raise her hands and spoke, “I apologize young man, I understand you are concerned about your friend. However I am not at liberty to discuss a treatment given to a patient with someone who is not that patient nor that patient’s guardian. If you wish for more information you need to contact his doctor but he will likely give you the same answer.” 

"Listen lady, I am his guardian," Jin argued, "I've been looking after him since before he was thrown into the 75th Hunger Games. I’ve never stopped looking after him. He shouldn't be on those drugs without closer supervision and testing to make sure he’s not overdosing. Why is he getting refills within days? Why are you letting this happen?” He was angry at her for not saying what she knew.

"Like I said, I can not discuss this," the nurse began to reiterate, “we have rules—“

"No," Jin said firmly, "that's not good enough. That’s not fucking good enough. Those drugs could kill him, he has gotten ahold of refills despite going through them too fast. You can’t seriously keep hiding this, you're playing with a young boys life! For what reason!?”

"I am doing my job,” the woman responded, “the doctor prescribed the medication that he felt Jinyoung needed. I am just following orders.” 

"Please," Taehyung spoke up, his voice sounded so broken, "please help us, he's important to us. Don't hurt him. Just don’t hurt him.” 

"I am restricted by my position," the nurse kept arguing, "I know nothing about what it is you’re saying. My job is to provide the patients with the prescriptions the doctor orders. I am not trying to hurt him, I am just follow orders." Jin noticed that she had said it several times, orders… It was odd for a prescription to be described as orders.

"Whose orders?" Jin asked. 

"I don't know," she said, she was so close to giving them something. He could tell if he kept pushing she would give him something. "I'm sorry," the woman said, "I have to go." 

She turned away and went back through the doors and left the boys distressed. They couldn’t follow her, they couldn’t keep pushing. They couldn't get anyone to talk about what was actually going on. There was something much bigger at play but Jin had no idea why. What could anyone stand to gain by killing Jinyoung with drug addiction? The only person he could think that would want to was President Yang, but President Yang couldn’t reach them where they were.

“We’re not getting anywhere, we need to get help," Jackson declared. Jin didn’t know who they could ask to help them. It was difficult to know who to trust with how dire the situation was. Anyone could be responsible and they couldn’t determine it on their own.

“Who is going to help us Jackson?“ Jin asked, “who can we actually trust? This is beyond all of us now and I’m terrified of making the wrong choice.”

“Just listen to me,” Jackson said, “we need to go to JYP—”

"That's a horrible idea," Jin respond quickly, "he's in Chae's inner circle, if something bigger is at play here he wouldn't help us. He would alert them that we knew something was up then we’d be in trouble.” Jackson shook his head in protest.

"No you don't understand," Jackson replied, "JYP is on our side—“

"He's not," Jin interrupted again, "he left Jaebum behind." He was absolutely sure they couldn’t trust the older man.

“You don’t understand we couldn't bring Jaebum,” Jackson said, "not with an embedded tracker still inside you, you don't understand how hard Jinyoung's was to extract. We didn't have Yoongi, he got yours and his didn't he? He was the best at it and we couldn't find him. We didn’t have time and he had to make a tough call on the spot. It was either leave Jaebum or we’d all get shot down. We didn't have time, that's the truth, that is what happened. JYP has always been on our side. If someone is working against Jinyoung then JYP doesn't know about it. He loves Jinyoung, he wouldn't want to see the kid broken. He loves it everything about Jinyoung."

Jin heard what it was Jackson was staying but he was still having trouble reconciling it. Jaebum had been his friend as well, the fact that he’d been left to be captured by the Capitol was hard to swallow. They could have taken him and figured it out. Jin really believed that. “I still don't trust him," Jin said, "not with how close he is to Chae."

“No you don’t get it, Chae tolerates him," Jackson argued, “but JYP is here for the entertainment of it all. He loves creating things, like the games. He is here for the drama and fueling the war through propaganda. He was inspired by Jinyoung and that is why he has helped us so much. He’s holy focused on Jinyoung and making Jinyoung the best that he can be. JYP is not here to hurt anyone, he believes in Jinyoung.”

"Please Jin," Taehyung turned to him. He had clearly bought into what Jackson was saying. “If he can help Jinyoung we have to trust him, please." Taehyung trusted Jackson's words, Jin still didn't trust JYP but in the things they were facing they needed help. JYP had put together the team that had protected Jinyoung in the area. He had done many things for them and Jackson was right that he was the only option that they had left.

"Okay." 

The three of them ran together again to look for the man who had started the game they were still in. JYP was the one who had set the terms, set the board and who had come through in the end for the most part.

They ran to the video room where they had last seen him to see if he was still there editing. They were happy to find their first instinct was correct. JYP was there with a couple editors working on a clip made up from the footage from 5 and District 12.

"Yo JYP," Jackson said calling him. The man looked to them as they entered, "we need your help but this is a private matter, can we talk to you alone?" Jin was glad that Jackson didn’t waste time getting to what they needed.

"What is this about?" JYP asked them.

"Not here," Jin reiterated, "we need somewhere private.” 

JYP got what he meant. They had to go somewhere that they could be sure no one was listening in on them. "Okay," the man said, "come with me." 

They followed him to a back office and he motioned for them all to take a seat before asking what the problem was problem.

“The problem is huge,” Jin said, "someone is trying to intentionally hurt Jinyoung, the whole thing has been covered up and concealed. We keep trying to figure it out but we can't gain any ground—“

"Wait," JYP interrupted, "slow down, how are they trying to hurt him?” He looked genuinely concerned. His face had folded up in an expression of worry.

"When we first came here we were confined to the medical ward," Jin started from the beginning, "There, the doctors began using a particularly powerful kind of benzodiazepine to keep Jinyoung calm and sedate. I wasn’t aware of what it was they were doing, I just knew they kept saying that he needed to be sedated for his own good. I wasn’t able to keep a complete eye on him at all times. He has been prone to nightmares and panic attacks since the last games."

"That is normal for any new victor," Jackson added, "we all went through it to varying degrees."

"I understand," JYP said and Jin didn't doubt that he did. He was the game maker and responsible for a lot of their games, he watched how the victors suffered for years. 

"The nurses didn't have patience with him,” Jin continued, “though it was probably more than that. I was there trying to help him but I had no idea they were giving him those drugs. When he was discharged from the hospital they gave him a container of those same drugs, and a prescription for them. He'd been acting out of sorts, I found them in his unit 5 days after we were discharged. He was defensive of them and grabbed them away from me. When I asked him about it he left. I wondered then if he as taking more than the dosage listed. That was right before his first meeting with Chae."

"He traded in for a new container that day,” Jackson said, “I was with him when he went for it. He wouldn’t tell me what it was for when I asked.”

"I went to research what the drug they gave him was," Jin said, "there I saw Youngmin, Jinyoung’s father. He and I talked it over. Youngmin found the drugs, took them from him and entered into the hospital system to revoke his prescription. He helped me find out more information about what it was they were and how they worked. They are highly addictive even without an increased dosage and almost never handed to a patient. The grade he was given are classified for in hospital usage with direct supervision from a doctor. For some reason they were given to Jinyoung to take on his own. He's been displaying every single symptom associated with an addiction, mainly he's been lying to all of us."

"So if his father revoked the prescription that should have been the end of the matter?" JYP was inquisitive, wondering the next part. Jin wished that what Youngmin had done had been enough.

"You've noticed, haven't you?" Jackson asked, "you said the other day he seemed tense and on edge. You noticed he’s been acting strange.” JYP was clearly processing but he nodded in response to what Jackson had said. 

"We tried to investigate because we believe he’s still getting the drugs,” Jin went to the important part. “We tried to find out who prescribed them to him, and why. No one in the hospital is giving us answers, everyone acted like they didn't know. Today we confronted the nurse Jackson saw giving the drugs to Jinyoung, she said she was under orders to do so and couldn’t say more.”

"She wouldn't say who's orders they were," Jackson finished it off, "the point being someone somewhere is giving him access to a highly addictive substance and we can't even figure out why." JYP looked like he was thinking over what they were saying, like he was trying to figure it out within his own head.

"He's missing now," Taehyung spoke up, "that's the real important part." Jin realized he’d forgotten that detail. He’d been so focused on solving the mystery of who was sabotaging Jinyoung and why.

"What!?" JYP sat up straighter after he heard those words, "missing? Since when?"

"Since after the meeting with the President today," Jin said, "the stuff about 11 must have set him off. I tried to keep up with him but he ran away and we haven’t seen him since.”

"If he's had the drugs all along why didn't you take them from him again?" JYP asked, another important question. He sounded frightened by what he was hearing.

"We didn't know for sure if he still had them,”Jin said, "we tried to watch him closely to figure it out. Youngmin and I tried really hard to make sure he was never alone. He left his unit the other night and Youngmin waited up for him, he probably had a good hiding place for them. We haven’t found where he put them. Youngmin even turned their unit inside out searching for them.”

"Let's get to the bottom of where Jinyoung is,” JYP said, “we’ll figure the rest out later. Come with me, I have access to the security footage around the base. We can use that to locate where Jinyoung went. It doesn't show everywhere but it might give us an idea into what direction he took." Jin felt relief at that, they could use that to fix the mess they were in. He wished that they had gone to JYP sooner.

"And about the rest of this," JYP elaborated as they walked, "tell no one else anything about this. I will investigate on my end but we can't tip anyone off that there is any suspicion of foul play. The Capitol could be involved.” They all understood and agreed. They made it to the security room and JYP pulled up the footage from outside the office from earlier in the day.

They could all see how upset Jinyoung looked. Taehyung gasped in distressed as he recognized it. JYP moved to new cameras as he could, following and finding footage of Jinyoung running through the base towards the units. And in the footage Jinyoung took a turn and then nothing else. Jin gasped as JYP fast forwarded time and they saw that Jinyoung did not leave the hallway he had gone down between when he went and the time they were in at the moment.

"He's there," JYP said as he pointed at it, "that is the ventilation area for the floor your units are on, you need to get down there to search for him." 

"There is no footage of him coming out,” Jin said with surprise, he’d been there the whole time. “That must have been where he was hiding the pills.”

“Yes,” JYP said, “it is the perfect place to hide and given that he hasn’t come out you probably need to get down there immediately.” Jin agreed, he was worried seeing it. He pushed the fears out of his head and focused on the task of remembering where that hallway was.

“I agree,” Jackson said.

"Let's go then," Taehyung said, "what are we waiting for?" Jin nodded.

"Yeah let's get down there now," Jin said and the three of them began to leave and Jin noticed JYP didn't follow.

"Are you coming?" Jin asked.

"It's best Jinyoung only has friendly faces around," JYP responded, "if I went he'd react with hostility and you don’t want any hiccups in bringing him back.” Jin thought he was probably right. Jinyoung still blamed JYP for everything to do with Jaebum's loss, and Jin didn't disagree with that blame despite what Jackson said. It was more difficult to Jinyoung to handle. Jaebum was everything to him.

"Thank you for all your help," Jin said to him before running off and leading the other two boys to follow him. They ran fast, almost running into a few people as they did. They ran down stairs, down floors.

He hoped they weren't racing against time. He hoped they still had time left.

—————

Jinyoung breathed.

Deep breaths. He had to keep taking deep breaths.

Pain. Laying on cold metal was pain… His eyes opened but he was dazed by what he was seeing. His body still felt numb but there was pain where he was laying. It was from how hard the metal grating he was on was. The edges indented his skin through his clothes. He looked around, and all he could think was how confused he was. He was almost paralyzed by the substance still in his system. 

He needed to get out.

He turned onto his back and fought to breathe. The air was so thick around him.

He kept telling himself, deep but not shallow. He needed to keep his breaths deep to release from what the drug had done to him. His body was shaking, trembling strongly. His mind fuzzy, hazy. 

He needed to get up, to get out.

He wondered how long he was passed out back here. He wondered if any time had passed at all or if it was so long that everyone had forgotten he existed. What if he’d faded and he didn’t exist anymore. What would he do then?

 _“Jinyoung, get up.”_

A voice called his name. 

He didn't see anyone there but he was sure that he’d heard a voice. He tried to turn to look around but he couldn’t do much.

No one was there with him. Especially not the owner of that voice. He was imagining things, his mind was playing tricks on him. His mind was cruel and playing with his broken heart. He couldn’t hear that voice again because it had been taken from him. The voice that had guided his way, soothed his heart and stopped the nightmares. Jinyoung didn’t have him anymore.

There was no way Jaebum could be there. 

Jaebum was so far away from him.

Jaebum, his mind focused in on that name. It was clarity, it was strength. Jaebum, the name that meant everything to him. He would find him, he needed to find where Jaebum went. 

He needed to get up, to get out.

He pushed up trying to fight the numbness that washed over him in waves, it wanted to pull him under more. It wanted to pull him under further, so far down he was sure he wouldn’t get out. He needed to get up. His only chance was getting up. He was sitting up and his eyes landed on the pill bottle. It was within his reach. It was so many things but was it clarity? Would it give him a way out this time?

_“Jinyoung get up.”_

The voice again. That voice, he knew it better than his own. He looked around with tears in his eyes, Jaebum wasn't there. Jaebum couldn't be there.

"Please," Jinyoung whispered, "let me be."

He wanted the torment in his mind to calm for just a moment. He didn’t want to remember that he couldn’t run to that voice. He couldn’t run to those arms. He couldn’t hide away in Jaebum any longer. They’d been torn apart.

He turned to the bottle, maybe he needed more. Maybe that would chase the pain away, more, more more. This feeling in his chest, it was tight like fear but different.

He picked up the bottle. The cap was stuck.

_”Don't do it.”_

He wasn't here, it wasn't real. None of it was. Jinyoung slumped against the wall.

He moved his legs, the haze began to fade ever so slightly. His heart was pounding in his chest like it was trying to burst out. He was breathing but breathing was heavy, there was weight on his chest. Everything was much clearer to his senses. 

What had he done? 

He looked at the bottle and realized that he had done something wrong. The people who loved him were probably worried sick and here he was...

What was it?

What had he wanted from it?

He looked at it, an enemy that he could hold within his hands. A fight he wasn't ready for, something that gave him what he needed yet not enough of it. Which one was it? Enemy or friend. Good or evil? What was it he held. 

He put the bottle in his pocket and hopped down from the pipe. His legs were shaky, he leaned on the wall. 

Breathe, just breathe. It was a mantra in his head.

He took deep breaths when he heard familiar voices echoing from the walls, shouting his name. Someone had come for him and they were searching. He was so far back, he had to get closer.

"Here," he tried to speak but voice didn't go above a whisper, "I'm here," he tried to say it louder. He couldn’t. His voice was dried out and hoarse from the thick air around him. He leaned on the wall and walked forward a bit, it wasn't easy. He felt so off but he gripped onto the wall to keep himself steady.

The room kept moving, he wanted to whine at it to stay in place but he knew it was just him. Nothing was moving, his vision was blurry. He’d taken too much…

"Jinyoung!" that was Taehyung's voice, he knew that voice. Tae sounded worried. Jinyoung stumbled forward and caught himself on a pipe. He could barely see again and his senses were starting to fade out again.

"Here," Jinyoung whispered again. It was frustrating that he couldn’t call out to them. His throat hurt and his body hurt. How long had he been gone and what had he done? How could he have been so stupid?

"Jinyoung!" Jin's voice, "I see him, he's there." Jinyoung’s heart leapt within his chest

"Here," Jinyoung tried again but he stumbled forward and caught himself on his hands. He was against the ground but he barely realized it. Hands touched his arms, warm strong hands.

"Jinyoung," voices kept saying his name and asking if he was okay. He could barely see any more as strong arms came around. 

Strong arms?

Jaebum?

Not Jaebum, Jaebum wasn't here. He wanted Jaebum. He needed Jaebum.

"Jaebum," he said his name, it was all he could muster. That name, it was everything.

"Jinyoung, we've got you," Taehyung's voice. He couldn't see anymore, he was blinded by the haze. All he saw in his mind was Jaebum, Jaebum who wasn't there. Jaebum who couldn't be there. Yet strong arms lifted him up and they reminded him of Jaebum. They reminded him of someone he missed so badly.

"Jaebum," He said again as he clung to the person whose arms held him, he wanted Jaebum. That was what he wanted. He let the darkness have him again, he let unconsciousness enwrap him. His mind focused on the one thing he wanted, the one thing he needed. To see Jaebum again, even if it was just a dream, all in his head.

—————

Youngmin sat down on his bed in his unit with an arm around Youngjae. The younger boy was crying hysterically after hours of searching hadn’t given them one lead as to where his brother had gone. Mark and the others were still out there but when Youngjae had broken down crying and Youngmin felt it best to bring the boy back to their unit. He needed comfort and assurance but Youngmin found those were hard to give.

It was hard to assure him that everything was going to be okay when Youngmin didn’t know that it was true. He’d seen things go wrong many times in his life. For so long he’d given up believing that anything good was going to happen again. But seeing how bright Youngjae was he knew that it wasn’t true. 

He wanted to protect his child, his young son from the harsh realities of the world around them. He hoped he could shelter him from them like he’d never been able to shelter Jinyoung. He could protect what he had with him if he just held on tighter.

He thought of how he tried to hold on to Jinyoung when it was too late to do so. The boy had told him it was too late and Youngmin hoped it wasn’t true. He’d promised her, he’d promised his beautiful Ji-ae that he would protect the boy. That he would love him and care for him and protect him no matter what happened. When everything went wrong he’d failed in what he’d been tasked to do. 

The reality of that failure was more real as he knew that if Jinyoung didn’t come back to them, that was on him. He’d been unable to stop Jinyoung, unable to save him. He’d been unable to keep Jinyoung from the games, to keep him from harm's way. 

He held onto Youngjae tight as he looked up past the windows and his eyes saw people coming from the distance. He squinted and recognized them. Jin, Taehyung and Jackson was carrying someone. His heart leapt in his chest as he realized. He let go of Youngjae.

“They’re here,” he said and he got up and rushed out to meet them. His son.

Jinyoung was his son. 

Jinyoung was his to protect and love. Jinyoung wasn’t okay and Youngmin’s heart broke as he realized something was wrong. He hoped it wasn’t too late. He hoped they’d found him in time. 

“He’s breathing,” Jin said as he approached, “we need to counteract it, he took too many.”

“Jinyoung,” Youngmin cried out his name as he saw him clearly. He was unconscious, breathing shallow in Jackson’s arms. Overdose was the likely cause or something close to it. His heart broke as he looked upon the broken down body of his child. His son who he loved so dearly.

They rushed him into the unit and he put all thoughts of fear aside from his mind as he focused on what he needed to do. He couldn’t save the boy from the hunger games. He couldn’t save him from losing his mother, from losing Jaebum. So many times he couldn’t save Jinyoung from the darkness around him but this time it was different. He would save Jinyoung from himself, from everything that threatened to destroy him.

He worked quickly to counteract the poison running in the boys veins, and when he was sure that Jinyoung would live he wept. He wept openly against the body of the child he’d failed in so many ways. He clung to him and swore a vow to never fail again. 

—————

_Jaebum._

_He saw Jaebum._

_In his dreams, in his heart._

_Jaebum was there._

_Jaebum's arms, his words of love._

_Jaebum’s hands against his skin._

_He knew it so well._

_His Jaebum, his missing piece._

\---

He woke up tense, pained. His head was pounding. 

The light in the room hurt his eyes as his eyes opened. He adjusted but the pain in his head didn’t fade.

He became aware of his surroundings and was able to see that the unit was crowded. Youngjae, Mark, Taehyung and Jackson were all asleep on the other bed. Jin had his head on the rooms table also asleep, Namjoon was on the floor and Jinyoung saw his father standing outside, the older man's hands were on the bars looking down into the base. 

His body was slumped against the bars. His father looked weary, and Jinyoung noticed his medical bag open next to him. There were water containers around him. He was also stripped down out of the jumpsuit, to a t-shirt and loser pants. He probably had a fever which was why his body felt warm. He looked and saw the thing that had caused it, the pill bottle was among his father’s things but not hidden from his sight.

As he looked at that thing he hated himself. He hated what it was that he’d done to himself and to everyone around him. Because what he had done to the people in the room around him was something so wrong. The way they all slept close, it was so evident that they were all very worried. So worried they wouldn’t go to their own units to rest. It was probably very late yet they all had stayed around him. What had he done? What had compelled him to do it? It wasn’t like the time in the field, he hadn’t been trying to die or fade away. He’d just been trying to calm himself. 

It had seemed like the right decision to take the medicine, the drugs, whatever it was they were. They’d done so much for him but at what cost? He’d taken too many, they’d hurt him and in the process they’d hurt everyone else around them.

Jinyoung sat up carefully, it hurt a lot just being awake. He slid off the bed and reached to grab the bottle from his father’s things. It wasn’t theirs to take away from him. He walked towards the exit, it opened for him as he approached. His father turned around to see him walk through. He saw tears in the man’s eyes, Jinyoung felt tears in his own. He realized he was shaking from the emotion of it.

"Dad," He said as tears made tracks down his face. 

"Jinyoung," his father said his name. Jinyoung held up the bottle to give it to his father, he had to do it himself. He had to do it like this, because if he didn't willingly hand it over he knew that he would go back again and again and again. He knew how much it had impacted him. He didn’t trust himself anymore because he was so scared of what it was he’d done. He needed to rely on someone he knew who loved him to help him get out.

"Dad," Jinyoung called out for his father again, “I need help." Tears kept falling as he broke into a sob. His father moved and wrapped his arms around his son. Jinyoung dropped the bottle to put his arms around his father, to find something he had wanted for so long. His heart opened so much as they both cried together.

"I'm right here," his father said, "I love you my son." Jinyoung cried more as in his whole being he began to understand those words were true all along. They’d always been true.

"I love you too," Jinyoung said, saying those words meant everything.

Jinyoung was learning something he hadn't known. He was learning how to forgive. 

His father was the one who held him close that night when he fell to sleep. His father was the person who Jinyoung had always needed. His father was also broken in a hundred ways just like Jinyoung but together they were whole. Jinyoung finally had the person he had always wanted to be there for him. 

He realized in those moments a long damaged part of his heart was finally healing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was an emotional chapter to write and a clear breaking point for Jinyoung.
> 
> Please comment and let me know what you think. Much more to come.
> 
> Thanks to def_nanalan for beta reading this so quickly.


	6. Trying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinyoung faces his first day of getting off the drugs and has a mission ahead of him.

The understanding that Jinyoung had to reach the next morning was that they couldn't just take him off the drugs. He had been taking too many for it to happen all at once and his near overdose had complicated things. His father and Jin explained to him that had to lower his dosage over the course of a few weeks to get him completely free of them without intense pain. That time frame could be longer depending on how he reacted to being without them.

He would have to trust his father completely and follow whatever it was he had to say. Jinyoung had a hard time simply giving in to that level of trust but he knew it was necessary. He realized his father was trusting him as well to follow the plan he’d laid out to get Jinyoung free. The first step was that Jinyoung had to go to the nurses and ask for more of it the substance. He was low on pills when they had found him. After the nurse gave him a container he had to give it to his dad to control it for him. It was a show of trust between them when Jinyoung handed him the newer bottle. Nothing about it was easy for either of them.

Jin was someone he would also have to rely on to help him. Throughout the day for the next few days Jinyoung would be on 3 pills, the dosages of which would be spaced out in careful intervals. He was also under a mandate to drink a lot more water than he had been drinking. When his father wasn’t there with him Jin would make sure to keep track of his water intake. 

He was warned that there would probably be times that he would be in more pain than others and he had to let them know. Everything had to be done carefully to make sure he detoxed slowly. They also told him that he would probably ask for the pills at some point, and that they couldn't give them to him when he wanted them. He wasn't ready for what was ahead but he knew it was necessary. There was no way to be ready for what he was facing. He just had to accept it and agree to it. The danger that was still there was that if he did want to he could run and get more pills anytime. Whoever was supplying them was still willing too, it was frightening.

He had to be completely open with the people around him to beat it. He knew how easily he could lie and manipulate, he would have to shut that part of himself down. It wasn’t easy for him to be open with others. It had taken a lot of time for Jaebum to get him to open up and he’d succeeded because of his ability to read Jinyoung’s mind. The desire to shut down and internalize everything was something Jinyoung didn’t know how to overcome. It wouldn’t be simple.

The first morning was difficult as he awoke to his body feeling very off. His head hurt and he was shaking like he had a fever. His dad gave him the first pill and a container of water he was forced to finish over the course of the morning. Youngjae was the happiest person with every development, because his father and his brother were getting along for the first time in his life.

Youngjae was happy because Jinyoung was looking at their dad with something other than disdain. Jinyoung saw how Youngjae lit up every kind word they spoke to each other. Jinyoung didn’t just forgive his father, he had also come to trust in him. It was a new beginning, one that they had all longed for.

The day held another challenge and the timing of it wasn’t ideal. Jinyoung would be placed in the field in District 9 which was a more volatile area than District 5. A battle had just gone on there the night before and the people needed a boost of morale which he could provide by simply showing up. He said goodbye to his father and brother and left to prepare for the task ahead of him.

Jin was with him through the preparation process. Taehyung completed his job perfectly like aways and got Jinyoung looking well rested and presentable for the appearance. After they were done the team all went to the hovercraft and strapped in for take off. The same team as the previous time with the addition of Jackson Wang. Jinyoung had found out Jackson was the person who had carried him to safety the night before. He didn’t look at the other.

There was a lot that Jinyoung missed when he’d fallen unconscious. He was lucky things hadn’t been worse. His father told him that if he had taken two more of those pills in that short time and he might have died there, alone where no one could find him. Jinyoung was a lot of things but he wasn’t suicidal, he wanted to live to rescue Jaebum. He wanted to live because he had so much to live for. It scared him to think his mistakes could bring him so close to an edge he’s sworn he’d never get close to again. 

They loaded up and were ready for a short trip over to district nine. It was an hour flight which would go by quickly. Jinyoung didn’t remember the air pressure being an issue for him in the times they’d gone out before, but he noticed it all around him that day. The others had asked him it he wanted to postpone the mission but he didn’t want to anger Chae. He needed her on his side to give him the army to rescue Jaebum.

"When we get down there," Jin said to him, "stay close to either myself, Namjoon, Jackson or Mark. No matter what you see or what happens.” What did he mean? What was Jin trying to prepare him for? He hadn't run off in district 5, he had stayed with them and he had no plans to not stay with them.

He saw the district as they approached, there were fires in the forests, fires in some of the buildings. The hovercraft landed and he strained his neck to look out the viewport to see. The runway lowered and he whipped his head around. He unbuckled his belt and moved quickly towards the exit to look out with wide eyes. He saw the people waiting for him but his eyes were on the district beyond. Bombs had fallen but it wasn’t like 12. He looked back to the people, they were alive. He realized he could hardly breathe as he looked at them. 

The people all looked to him, awe on their faces and hope in their eyes. He moved his arms back as if he could brace himself against something, someone, anything. But there was nothing there, and he realized he had reached back hoping Jaebum was there, someone he could hide behind when everything in front of him was too difficult to face.

His mind flashed back to Joo-yeon, the man he’d killed. He’d been from District 9 and he’d been about to kill Jin but that didn’t change the fact that Jinyoung had killed him. His heart beat fast as he looked to people who looked at him as some sort of savior. He was nothing of what they thought he was. He felt like a liar standing on front of them and that thought frightened him. He felt someone come alongside him and saw it was Jin.

"I can't do this," Jinyoung said quickly.

"Yes you can,” Jin responded calmly. He grabbed at Jinyoung’s arm to hold on to him.

"Jin," Jinyoung responded with his voice low and quiet, "it's Joo-yeon's district." He knew Jin would understand that much. The things that haunted Jinyoung were the things that he couldn’t erase no matter how much he wanted to.

"You can't keep seeing a district by their victors," Jin stated softly, "you need to look at this place, these people. See who they are, they are just like the people in district 5. They are desperate for hope and fighting hard for a cause they believe in. Joo-yeon made his own choices yes but he didn’t make those choices for these people. I know you've had a tough 24 hours, but this is what you signed up for. You can do this, don't sit here and tell me you can't when I know you can." 

Jinyoung nodded, the way Jin was looking at him with confidence was reassuring. He had to at least try. So Jinyoung walked with the group out of the hovercraft into a sea of faces whose eyes were all on him. As he walked out and the people parted the way before him and his breath caught in his throat as he looked at their faces. They were all kinds of people, young and old and everything between. Many looked tired, some had bandages and some looked weak. 

He had been informed that leader of the district was a woman named Boa. When the people parted the way he was sure the woman standing among them was the one they’d come to meet. She was regal as she stood with a rifle in her hands, clearly well adapted to a position of leadership. He wanted to hang back and let the others talk to her, but he had a job to do.

"Park Jinyoung," she said his name, "welcome to District 9." He wasn’t sure what to do but he knew that bowing wasn’t it. Their whole lives they’d bowed to leaders without question. They’d given respect and everything they had. The gestures they’d given before seemed wrong in the context of the leaders chosen by the people. Still part of him wanted to bow because it was what he’d always done. It was hard to resist those habits.

"Thank you," Jinyoung said, though he wasn’t quite sure what else to say.

"We have come to see your situation," Namjoon filled in for him, "we bring ammo and more weapons, curtesy of the generosity of District 13. We’ve come to show we are with you, the districts are united together with you.” Jinyoung noticed crates on the craft but he hadn't paid any mind to them. He’d not realized that they were supplying weapons on their trips as well.

“We than you. Weapons are greatly needed by our people,” Boa said, "things went bad last night in the fight. The peacekeepers have control of several main structures because we have lost a lot of ground the past few days." 

"How are the people faring?" Jinyoung asked. He saw weariness on their faces. If he could effect them in any way he had to try.

“They’re not good,” she responded, "the peacekeepers took hostages last night and we can't get in to rescue them. A lot of us are worried about family members, we’ve been kept in a stalemate until we can find a way to get them back.” Jinyoung glanced around and saw sadness on the faces of those closest to him.

"Are some of the hostages children?" Jinyoung asked. He had to know.

"Yes they are," she said. Jinyoung shook his head and looked around. Children, the Capitol had always used children against them. He was just a child when they stole everything from him. Jinyoung looked around and knew why he was there and what he had to do. He would rescue those children, bring them back to their families. He looked to Namjoon who he knew could help him make that decision. He knew everyone in their group would understand what he wanted in a single look. 

"No," Fei spoke up, "we have a mandate here it isn't to do much more than a weapons drop."

"Namjoon," Jinyoung communicated to the one he knew would understand, "we have a pretty interesting strike team here, why not use it." Namjoon had technically been put in charge of the military aspects of the operation. His team was a combination of fierce victors and highly trained soldier. 

"That would be dangerous," Jin always was a voice of reason, "no guarantee we won't cause more problems." Jinyoung understood what problems he meant. There was always a possibility that the hostages could be killed.

"We could make it work," Namjoon said, “with the right amount of planning and good timing… Where are they holding the hostages?"

"In the main hall," Boa responded, "but it is heavily guarded and any sign of trouble and they'll start executing them. We can’t risk that many lives.” He agreed, they couldn’t afford to do anything out in the open.

"So we sneak in," Jinyoung said, “disguise ourselves as peacekeepers, and subtly start taking them out. They won’t expect it.”

"It's too dangerous," Fei argued, “you can’t seriously—“

"No," Namjoon interrupted her, "it actually sounds like it could work and it could be fun.” 

"Fun?" Fei seemed affronted by his word.

"Yeah lady," Jackson said, “lighten up, we’re professional killers.” Jinyoung rolled his eyes at Jackson’s words. 

"Shownu, you and your boys come with me," Namjoon said, "The rest of you hang back here with Jin.” Jinyoung didn’t like the idea of being left behind when he was the one who had made the decision to try a rescue mission. He wanted to fight for something, for the lives of those he could.

"I want to fight," Jinyoung said.

"You will get your chance," Namjoon replied, “but we need to get a layout of the place and scope the area. We’re just going to get the information we need to lay out a plan. Sit tight Jinyoung, you won't be left out of this, I promise.” Jinyoung believed him.

"I guess the footage we'll get will be perfect," Fei scoffed. Jinyoung was antsy as he watched the boys leave. There were still so many eyes on him and he felt like he couldn’t fully let his guard down. Jin put an arm around him and led him away from the others, back towards the ship. It was as if Jin knew how he was feeling and he was glad for the relief. He still knew eyes were on him and they were both quiet till they were back on the ship, away from prying eyes.

"How are you," Jin asked him.

"I'm fine," Jinyoung responded defensively. He knew that he shouldn’t but it was tough to break the habit.

"No," Jin corrected him, "you have to tell me how you are feeling when I ask, we're not risking anything here if you're off right now."

"Won't I always be? You heard my dad," Jinyoung said, "I'll be having issues for two weeks, and some things for the next 6 months possibly. I can't just be 100% fine and bounce back, those drugs were the only thing keeping the symptoms at bay. I’m not going to be okay for a long time.” 

"Don't talk like that," Jin said, "you can't start down that road.”

"Why not?" Jinyoung replied, "it's true." He didn’t see any problem with speaking the truth. The drugs did make things better and without them he was worse than before he ever had them. No one could expect him to be okay for a long time.

"Because you can't give them any power," Jin said, "they caused things to be worse, they didn't make anything better. They only served to make the things you’ve faced harder to bear. Now you need to tell me what symptoms are you feeling now?" He understood what Jin was trying to say. He’d talked a long time to his dad about how he felt and how scared he was that he wasn’t over the drugs. 

"I was panicked before," Jinyoung responded honestly, "now I just feel jittery."

"What else?" Jin asked. He was becoming good at reading when Jinyoung wasn’t telling everything.

"Headache," Jinyoung responded.

"Have you finished your water container I gave you earlier?" Jin asked. He had given one to Jinyoung as they boarded the plane and told him to finish all of it before they landed. Jinyoung shook his head no, because he hadn't. They were giving him so much water that it was stressing him out to try and drink all of it.

"You need to finish that," Jin said, "now." Jinyoung lifted it up and began to drink the rest down. It was best to just listen. He’d gotten himself into the mess and he had to rely on Jin and his father to help get him out of it. When he was done Jin took the container and handed him another one. Jinyoung grimaced at it, he hoped he didn’t have to drink it all immediately.

"I want a quarter of that gone now," Jin said, "and the rest of it within the next hour.”

"Why so much," Jinyoung complained.

"The headaches," Jin said, “Proper hydration should help with that symptom within a few days, also your body went through hell and water is important to help it balance itself back out. You stimulated responses in your central nervous system through drugs you were taking, the rest of your body was operating on a series of highs and lows. Your muscles, your heart, every response was repressed then firing on overdrive. We need to level you off so your body will respond like normal. Your system was overcompensating for the relaxed response you had. Water is actually extremely important at all times but now especially." Jinyoung sighed.

"In normal issues like this," Jin continued, "we could use other drugs to help calm the responses, but with what you had that would end up causing more issues. Water and a slow coming off the substance is the best way to handle it.” Jinyoung was frustrated that he hadn't listened to his father when he’d initially been told to stop. He was stuck with attention on him due to his own choices. He realized what he had done to himself and to everyone else. He had hurt his family. He couldn't see himself as anything but a failure for what he had done. The choices he has made were senseless.

He finished the water that he was instructed to. He hoped that it would help but as time went on and he waited for Namjoon and the others, he started feeling worse. The second dosage of the drugs for the day wouldn't be given to him for another hour. Jinyoung wondered if they were spacing them out too long because of how bad he felt. His headache got worse, not better and he felt on edge like he was moments away from a panic attack.

Namjoon and the others soon returned. They had taken out six peacekeepers and had six uniforms which would be used to help them sneak into the peacekeepers perimeter. It was decided that Namjoon, Jackson, Shownu, Wonho, Minhyuk and Hyungwon would be the ones doing the first round of infiltration. They wanted Mark and Jinyoung to be a unit together and to come in the second wave. Namjoon laid out the plan and Jinyoung listened attentively. He hoped it would be successful so that they wouldn’t lose any of the hostages they were trying to rescue.

Jinyoung and his team had to sit and wait for Namjoon's call. He found out then both Namjoon and Jin had a special comm system to each other like Jungkook and Yoongi had once had. It was in necklaces he had never noticed them wearing before. He wondered how they worked. Jinyoung didn't quite get how a complex comm system could fit into the necklaces they wore but it somehow did. Namjoon called Jin with detailed information and directions every 10 minutes. Jinyoung's headache was getting worse but this mission was important. He didn’t tell Jin how bad it was, because he didn’t want to be left behind.

It wasn’t too long when they got a call that it was time to go. Jin and the other remaining X members would follow a very clear path. Mark and Jinyoung's trick arrows were important to help them get through quiet. They would also have to cause a distraction in another sector. They walked in carefully, keeping to the shadows to avoid detection.

“That there,” Jin pointed to one of the higher buildings, “there are hovercrafts up there, if we cause any explosions near here we’ll have a huge amount of peacekeepers headed this way.” That was a perfect thing for them to fire upon. Jinyoung and Mark raised their bows and fired their explosive arrows. The explosion took out part of the building as Jinyoung's arrow missed it's mark. He thought maybe the trick arrows flew differently in the air, but Mark's was perfect. It hit the craft he was aiming for.

Jinyoung blinked in surprised, he had aimed it where he thought it would go. He looked back towards Jin who’s eyes were narrowed looking up at where the arrow had it. Jinyoung took a deep breath, he couldn’t panic..

"Get back," Jin ordered, "this way." Whatever Jin had noticed he’d decided to keep quiet and Jinyoung was grateful to him for it. They moved back into the shadows, all of their black outfits blended in very well. He saw peacekeepers running and realized this mission was different. He might have to kill even if he didn’t want to. He didn’t know if he could do that.

"Okay," Jin said, "Mark let's make another explosion right there." Jin pointed out a spot, Namjoon was saying something and Jin had his necklace up to his ear. Mark aimed and hit it without a problem. The nice thing about arrows was that they were virtually silent, most people wouldn't recognize the small sound they did make in the air.Mark's arrow hit and caused a huge explosion right next to most of the peacekeepers that had just gone by their group. This caused several of them to fall, several to be rocketed out of place by the force of it and several were killed o impact. The others in their group were in awe. Jinyoung shrunk back, he wouldn't have been able to fire that shot with the condition he was in.

"Good," Jin said, "this way." He led the team down in another direction with confidence. "Jinyoung how are you doing on water?" Their team leader made sure to ask him the all important question. Jinyoung rolled his eyes.

"Half gone," Jinyoung was honest..

"Not good enough," Jin chided, "this is your last chance, drink all of it." Jinyoung looked at him for a second then got the bottle out to finish it. He didn't know where they were heading but he knew it was best to continue to listen to what Jin asked of him. The older victor was only looking out for him, he remind himself of that. Jinyoung did his best to get through the entire container, he could tell the others were getting antsy as he did. Most of them didn't know why he would have to do this. He showed Jin it was empty then Jin nodded and led them to the next area. 

"Namjoon has eyes on the hostages," Jin told them. "When we go in, be careful. We do not want to hit our own team." The others nodded in agreement. Jinyoung was beginning to feel fear. He couldn't even shoot straight and Jin was warning them that where they were headed they could end up hitting their own team.

"Okay," Jin called to them to explain what the plan was, "We're going to clear out that area, there are 12 peacekeepers.” He pointed in that direction. "Mark, Jinyoung we'll need both shots, still use your explosives. Aim into the windows up there.” Mark's bow was up and Jinyoung followed his lead, he told himself mentally that he could handle it. He tool deep breaths. Mark fired his arrow perfectly on center, Jinyoung followed with his own shot but his was off. He was frustrated as he realized he couldn’t aim, the explosion landed and once again took out part of the building. 

"Jinyoung," Jin said his name like a scolding, then he looked to Mark, "you need to get another one in there now." Mark fired fast right into the building. The first explosive went off but there was a delay to the second one Mark fired inside. In that time three peacekeepers got out of the building. Jnyoung had failed to get his shot in the right spot.

"Mark," Jin said, "take them out." Mark fired three normal arrows in quick succession and took out all three peacekeepers in seconds. Jinyoung looked at him, there was a coldness in his eyes. He wondered how Mark could kill so easily with no feeling.

”This way," Jin continued to command them. They all followed and he led them up a stairwell in the building behind them. Jin stopped and waved the other ones into the building. Jinyoung was lagging behind in the bag and as he moved to pass Jin, the other grabbed him. Jin’s hand closed around his arm and the older victor pulled him closer.

"You need to clear your head Jinyoung,” Jin responded, "what happens here has nothing to do with the past or the games. We are fighting for people who have chosen to fight against the people. No one was forced into these roles like in the tributes in arenas. Peacekeepers volunteer and they know damn well what they are signing up for.”

Jinyoung nodded as he registered what Jin was telling him but it was more complicated than what the other was saying. His mind was unfocused and his head hurt. He was tense, but couldn't tell Jin those things because Jin would have him pulled out of the mission. Jinyoung couldn't decide if that was what he wanted, to get off the mission or stay and fight. He didn’t know what was best but he decided he would keep moving forward. Jinyoung nodded to Jin that he was okay and Jin let go of him, they continued together.

They made it up the stairs there was no one in the halls in the building. Jin listened to Namjoon's voice on his comm and pointed in a direction. They all moved the way they were instructed to with Mark leading off. Then Jinyoung noticed one of the people on their team was filming. He was sure his mistakes would not be positive for his image. "Mark there are two ahead," Jin informed him, "a patrol is coming this way."

"I got it," Mark said. Jinyoung’s friend drew another arrow and as they rounded a corner and he fired it before loading another one to follow just before the other Peacekeeper could react.

"Good," Jin praised him, “move down the right hallway." Jinyoung kept his hands strong on his own bow, he would have to keep trying to fight.

"I may run low on normal arrows," Mark told Jin.

"We'll just have to give you Jinyoung's if that happens," Jin responded. Jinyoung felt more useless hearing that his arrows would be handed off to his friend because he couldn’t use them effectively.

They continued through and Jin held his hand for them to stop. “Where here, Behind that door are 15 peacekeepers," Jin said, "6 of them are our friends." Jinyoung tensed as he thought of it. "The people are all down, fire high, guns and arrows. But be careful, our own people will duck when we go through those doors." Jinyoung was now more worried, if he misfired low it would be really bad.

"Jinyoung you will hang back," Jin told him, "you can walk to the people once we’ve taken out the 9 peacekeepers. Once it is clear, then you can walk and speak to the people." Jinyoung realized that was probably the best thing for them to do. Jin was reading the situation even if he wasn't willing to communicate. Jinyoung was off and he couldn’t afford to make a mistake when the stakes were high. Jin grabbed his arm and pulled him to the back away from their group and signaled the others. He counted off time. Jinyoung took a deep breath and clenched his fists around his bow.

"Now," Jin said they burst through the doors, and all began firing. It was loud, terrifying so he covered his ears. Jin held Jinyoung back against one of the walls as the peacekeepers tried to fire back. The spray of bullets seemed endless but at the same time all to quick.

People were murmuring. Jin said something to him but he could hardly hear it. He lowered his hands and looked to the people. Their friends had taken their helmets off and revealed themselves, all of them were accounted for and okay. Jinyoung saw a wide array of hostages, men, women and children. Some of them were wounded and all their eyes were on him. He walked forward towards them. The people's eyes followed his every move like the others in the village, it didn't feel real. Everyone on his team hung back as he moved forward to greet them.

"It's Park Jinyoung," he heard them whispering. He wondered why they all put it on him, why they looked to him and saw him as something more than the person he was. He had nothing to offer them yet they derived something from believing in him. He reached his hand out towards them to beckon them to follow him and he knew that they would.

"Come with us," Jinyoung requested something of them, "We'll lead you to safety." The people began to stand and he knew that they would follow. A child near him approached him and he looked down to where their eyes met. The child walked forward and took his hand in a gentle grip. Jinyoung wondered why. His eyes moved up as he scanned the different faces, young and old. People that were bound for so long looking for a way out, the revolution could cost them or save them. The difference between these moments, he saw their eyes filling with hope. They had to keep moving.

"Come with me and stay quiet," Jinyoung turned, he kept the child's hand in his own. Namjoon's team followed behind while Jin's led the front of the group. They didn’t know what was waiting for them as they began their escape but if they were careful they might be able to just walk out. Jinyoung hoped that was the case, that they could rescue every single one.

"Namjoon we'll be the eyes," Jin said into his communicator. Jin waved the other guys forward with their group. "Mark lead off slow. if you see anything take it out." The group began to move, Mark leading part of the team ahead. Jinyoung hid his nerves as best he could because of the child holding his hand.

He heard the low hum of arrows as the team ahead took out the enemies. Mark turned out to be the most key member of the team. His arrows were quiet enough to not give away their position and his aim was perfect. The people had complied to their orders and remained quiet as they could. Jin took some of Jinyoung's arrows to give to Mark as they continued to move forward, Jinyoung didn't mind. His place was where he was, leading the people. He was their hope that they could make it through. The weight of a bow in one hand and a child of the nation holding his other was not lost on him. He knew exactly what he was giving district 13 and the people of Panem. They walked through the buildings carefully.

Jinyoung was relieved as they walked out of the enemy territory safely, and heard the murmurs of the others as they approached. Jinyoung was leading every hostage out alive. Boa stood ahead of the rest her face in awe as she looked to him, everyone looked to him. The people were speaking louder as the hostages spotted their families and began to run to them. A woman ran out of the crowd towards Jinyoung.

"My son!" She cried as the kid let go of Jinyoung's hand and ran to her. Jinyoung met her eyes, she looked at him like she was looking at an angel. "You saved my son." He didn't know what to say as she picked up the child. He wasn’t sure how to address her. He bowed slightly to her and she nodded her head. It was almost an understanding, a simple gesture of respect. She looked at him like he was a hero and he had no idea how to tell her he wasn’t so he just bowed to her. The real heroes of their fight were the people like her who were fighting the enemy in the worst conditions. He was nothing compared to her, he had lost but he lived in safety hidden away from the front lines. He wasn’t sure why but he felt like a fraud, knowing what he’d done already and how fake his image was.

"Jinyoung," Jin took him aside after all the triumphant return had brought. His team was happy about the win but Jinyoung felt sick. "You need to talk to me," Jin continued to address him, "how were you feeling back there, was it nervousness to kill or were you having issues seeing the targets?" Jinyoung shook his head as he thought of how to clear it up.

"Both, I think,” He admitted, "the first one I thought I had but my aim was off… I’m sorry Jin.” 

“There is nothing to be sorry for Jinyoung,” Jin said, and he held out one of the pills to Jinyoung. “It is time for your second dose, and here, drink all of this within the hour." It was another container of full. Jinyoung nodded to him. He did as instructed and walked to sit back aboard the craft, away from the people. Namjoon was in the front of the craft with the pilot, he was on the radio to district 13. Jinyoung listened to him responding and explaining how the mission went. He slowly began to tune his friend out as he felt his body relaxing with the dose Jin had given him.

"What?" Namjoon's voice suddenly sounded more frantic and it broke Jinyoung out of his reverie, "no, we finished here." Jinyoung glanced around and saw Jin had stood up.

"What's going on?" Jin asked Namjoon and he walked forward to talk with him. Jinyoung looked down on at his container of water.

"Home," Namjoon informed Jin before shouting into the comm, "no, no we can go." He was frantic in his tone of voice and Jinyoung wondered what was going on. "No we are not returning, we have time, we need to go!” Namjoon shouted at the person, then Namjoon threw the headset. Jinyoung flinched, he’d never seen Namjoon so angry. Jin walked and put a hand on Namjoon’s arm, they had a way of communicating that was telepathic. Jinyoung sometimes envied that they had each other when the person who knew him best was so far from himself.

"There are problems in district 5," Namjoon told Jin, "they've ordered us to return to 13 but I want to go to our home.” He sounded conflicted. Jinyoung had never heard Namjoon sound like that.

"What kind of problems?" Jin asked.

“There were bombings this morning,” Namjoon said, "the peacekeepers retook the generators and have begun to repair the railway. They're all in danger for what they did…” 

"We have to go," Jin said, his voice colored with fear. Jinyoung clenched his fists, the Capitol had retaliated.

"They ordered us to return," Namjoon responded, “a direct order.”

"No," Jin shook his head and argued with Namjoon, "not when home is in danger. Namjoon-ah, what about Jimin? What about my parents? Do they know anything else?" 

"No," Namjoon responded, "they wouldn't tell me anything else." Jinyoung couldn’t stand by and just leave when his friends family was in danger. He knew how he would be if it was his family in 5, he wouldn’t stand not going to them.

"Let's go then," Jinyoung spoke up. He believed he had some sort of authority. It was only an hour trip then they could return in the evening without issue. It was worth it to check on the people that were dear to his friends.

"I have to follow orders," Namjoon responded, his tone of voice conflicted.

"No," Jinyoung stated with authority, "their orders don't matter, mine do. We are going to district 5." If he was the hope of their revolution he would take whatever authority that gave him. If they couldn’t do it without him, he would make sure they did it his way.

"Jinyoung they..." Namjoon began to speak but Jinyoung interrupted.

"They have no control of us out here," Jinyoung said, “and they sure as hell don’t have any control over me. We are going back to 5, damn the consequences." Jin's brow furrowed but he looked to Namjoon. Jinyoung smirked, he knew that he could win out with whatever arguments Namjoon had. The boys wanted to go to their home and Jinyoung would make sure that if there were consequences that that would be directed towards him. There was little that President Chae could do but give in to Jinyoung’s demands.

"We won't tell the others about the orders,” Jin said, “Jinyoung’s he's right we should go. We have to.”

"Okay," Namjoon said and soon they said their goodbyes to the people of district 9 and boarded the craft. Namjoon and Shonwu sat together up front and directed the craft to district 5. Jinyoung held onto Jin's hand as they flew, he could feel the tension in the other and he wanted to offer comfort after all Jin had done for him. Jinyoung knew that the older victor was thinking of home and of his family. Jinyoung worried with him him.

The hour long flight had a tense air to it with all of them silent and hoping that the people in district five were okay. Jin and Namjoon kept glancing at each other in worry and as they approached they could see the smoke in the air. They landed in the victors village like the had the first time they’d visited. He saw Jin's relief that it was still standing. They could see though the viewport that there were a lot of people gathered in that part of the district.

The ramp opened and Jin didn’t wait for it to finish before he ran and jumped out. Jinyoung knew he was searching the faces for his parents and Namjoon followed fast. Jinyoung saw the kids running about still but there were people camping all around the area. Jinyoung stood up and walked slowly out. As before as soon as people noticed him, his name was whispered and all eyes turned to him that could see him. He shivered from the feeling of the weight of what it meant.

"Namjoon!" one woman shouted for him and Namjoon ran towards her.

"What happened here?" Mark asked Jinyoung. They hadn’t told the others much, just that something had happened in 5 and that they needed to get there. Jinyoung just shook his head and reached for Mark’s hand, he needed something to hold on to.

“Auntie," Namjoon spoke to the woman, "where's Jimin?" 

"He's wounded,” she responded, "there were bombs falling everywhere, we all had to run. He went back for some of the kids and got them out but…” 

"Take me to him now," Namjoon said. And they both ran together. Seeing Jin and Namjoon scared shook Jinyoung to his core.

"What's going on around here?" Jackson asked. Jinyoung glared at him, the last thing he wanted was Jackson and his overly cheery demeanor near him. He couldn’t get rid of him as Mark seemed unbothered by his presence.

"They lost the upper hand," Jinyoung responded. He walked forward and Jackson and Mark followed him through the crowd. Jinyoung’s eyes were searching for a specific child. He looked to each kid they passed and searched for the face of that little girl who had given him the flower. He needed to make sure that she was still okay.

"Are the people going to be okay here?" Mark asked. Jinyoung wondered the same thing, it seemed hopeless with the smoke going up from the village. He wished they had been able to bring supplies but they had arrived so suddenly. He would do what he could to lobby for District 13 to send as much aid as they could. Jinyoung was taken from his thoughts as spotted the child he was searching for. He let go of Mark’s hand and ran towards the little girl. She saw him and ran towards him with a smile on her face. Jinyoung lifted her into his arms and hugged her tight without speaking any words. She hugged him back. He felt so much relief as he held her close. He didn’t know why but he felt like they understood each other, like she was a part of him even though they’d only met once before.

"Jinyoung," Mark called and he saw Jackson and Mark chasing after him. There were always people following him everywhere he went. He shifted Lilly in his arms to see them better.

“Who is this?” Jackson asked him as he smiled towards the little girl, she gripped Jinyoung a bit tighter as Jackson got closer to her. Jinyoung turned to keep her away from the other boy.

“Her name is Lilly and you’re scaring her,” Jinyoung told him.

“Hello Lilly,” Mark said with a sweet voice, she hid her face in Jinyoung’s shoulder. He was surprised how shy she was with the other boys when she’d warmed up to him so fast.

“I didn’t know you were a dad Jinyoung,” Jackson teased with a big smile on his face. Jinyoung could never understand why Jackson didn’t realize how bad it was to make jokes in such bleak situations. He didn’t get how the other boy saw the world.

“She really likes you,” Mark observed and Jinyoung just nodded.

"Jinyoung," Fei called out and Jinyoung saw that she had the camera crew with her. He sighed, he didn’t want to film anything. He just wanted to get Lilly inside and hide away from the gazes of the people. 

"Yay madame devil is following us," Jackson whispered to Jinyoung who just glared at him. 

"We need to film," Fei told him, “you need to tell the people of Panem what it was the Capitol did here.” Jinyoung didn’t understand why someone else couldn’t tell them. It was always all down to him when he didn’t want to do it. Someone else saying the words would have just as much impact on the rebellion he was sure of it. They had other victors with them who were also public figures.

"Just hold on," Jinyoung did his best to push her off, "I have to find Jin, we have to know what happened here. We need the full story of what really happened before we are filming anything.” He walked with his friends searching for the other victor. He found Jin being held by his mother, and his father was alongside them. Jinyoung was relieved that the older couple was okay. He knew he was probably because they were in the victors village as everything went down.

"Jinyoung," Jin said his name as he approached.

"What happened?" Jinyoung asked, "is it like 12?" He was scared that the Capitol had leveled the people’s village, their homes. That most of their population was gone just as he’d lost most of the people he’d known growing up. 

"No," Jin replied, “they didn’t do it as bad.”

"They rounded up the people," Jin’s mother said, "as many as they could, the peacekeepers are housing a lot of them. The bombs mainly fell in the areas where that were known to be operating bases of the organized militia. Many people came here as well, they didn't level the district and now they expect us to go back to work for them in the morning. They’ve basically seized control again, all the ground we gained has been lost.” Lilly was still holding on tightly to Jinyoung with her head on his shoulder. Jinyoung held her a little tighter as he wondered what would happen to the orphans if the Capitol really had control again.

"Most people will be going back as instructed,” Jin's father said, "they did a lot of damage, we're worn down. We can't fight this battle alone. The Capitol found a way to break the spirit of our fight and to reverse our victory. It feels like it’s over.” Jinyoung breathed deep and shook his head.

“It’s not over,” Jinyoung argued. It couldn’t be over, he wouldn’t let it be. They had to keep fighting. They had to beat Yang and his own game.

"Jinyoung," Fei told him, "you can inspire these people. You can remind them what it is we’re fighting for!” 

"Are you heartless?" Jinyoung asked the woman, "it's not that easy."

"Then let us film something we can show them,” Fei said, "you describe exactly what the Capitol did to these people." Jinyoung didn’t know what it was he could say. The peacekeepers had gotten some of the people out themselves. The had done something that could be seen as a positive in the midst of the mess they had made. They hadn’t wanted to destroy the village and all the people in it. Because they needed them, they wanted to enslave them again.

"Jinyoung they bombed the hospital," Jin said frantically, "the main hall you walked through last time. It’s gone, everyone who was there is gone!” Jinyoung's eyes got wide, the people. He remembered those faces so well, he couldn’t forget them. How could the wounded get out when things got that bad? 

His heart pounded. There was no way the Capitol didn’t know exactly what they were doing when they’d bombed the hospital. They knew and they’d done it. They’d taken out innocents. They’d chosen to destroy those who were already wounded. To drop the bombs and take their lives. As if the people in District 5 hadn’t suffered enough the Capitol had tried to break them all over again. He felt the familiar clench in his chest, the anger and the fire. He couldn’t do nothing, he couldn’t ignore it. It didn’t matter what he thought and what he feared, he would speak.

"Jinyoung," Fei said, "what happened here?" He breathed deep, he knew that she was filming him.

"We are in district 5, where the capitol bombed the people," Jinyoung said calmly as he could, "they focused their attacks on a hospital where the unarmed victims of their atrocities were recovering." Jinyoung could feel anger building in him as he thought of those people. "The people of this district face the ultimatum from President Yang. They are being asked to willingly walk back to slavery under the Capitol, not to continue to fight for their freedom." Yang wanted to break their will to keep fighting "They have fought a hard battle, but are they doing it alone? Are they going to continue to face this alone?"

People were starting to stop what they were doing to listen to him speak. Eyes were always on him when he spoke. "How long will the rest of Panem stay silent?" Jinyoung asked with fire, "this is a battle we must all fight together. If you think the Capitol will ever be fair to you, you are lying to yourself. District 5 had a ceasefire agreement with the Capitol, the Capitol broke it. There was no fairness from them. How long will the rest of the districts stand by and let this happen? The time to fight has come, you either stand up with us or you are one of them. Our time is now, Panem's time is now." 

Fei was beaming, the people of the district that had gathered there were all beginning to stand. Jinyoung stood with the smoke and fires from the bombs behind him, holding an orphan of their district. He called Panem to stand up and they heard him. He knew that they did. Jinyoung turned away, he felt like he was going to cry from the realization of all they had lost. He fought to hold it in as long as he could. The child he held needed him to be strong. The people he stood before needed him to be strong. The fight was far from over, he could see that much. Every victory they’d won could easily be overturned. They needed the strength of will to keep going no matter the cost.

Jinyoung stepped away, he felt the weight and the burden of all he’d had to do and all he’d said. He sat down on one of the porches with Lilly still in his arms and looked down away from everyone around him. He wanted to hide away, but he wouldn’t. He sat there and Jin walked over to sit beside him. Jackson and Mark still stood nearby watching over him. Jin put a hand on his arm and Jinyoung nodded to him. They sat together silent until Shownu approached them.

"We need to go back," Shonwu the solider said, "Namjoon asked us to bring everyone back immediately.” Jin looked alarmed.

"I'll take her," Jin's mother said to Jinyoung. Jinyoung handed Lilly over but he was reluctant to do so. Something inside him wanted to take her with him, he felt a connection to her that he didn’t understand. Lilly looked at him with a smile on her face, her large eyes watched his every move. Jin and the others had already begun to move but Jinyoung hesitated to wave goodbye. Lilly waved back to him with her smile still beaming. He turned away and followed after the others.

They walked through as people reached out to touch him and he felt uncomfortable with them doing so. Jackson came alongside him and pulled him close to his side, Jinyoung would have been angry at Jackson any other time but Jinyoung realized what the smaller man was doing. He was trying to tell people to stop, trying to put something between Jinyoung and them even if it was himself.

"Namjoon!" Jin yelled when the hovercraft was in view. Jinyoung saw Namjoon approaching the craft, carrying someone in his arms. The person he was holding looked very young.

"We have to go back," Namjoon shouted to them, "Jimin's not going to make it here." 

"No," Jin gasped, “Jimin.” Jin went forward to put his hand on the boy’s brow. Jinyoung remembered hearing about him from Jungkook. Jungkook was supposed to live with Namjoon's cousin Jiminie. Jinyoung realized that was who he was seeing here. The woman with Namjoon was crying and she was his aunt. "We'll take him with us, we have to."

"Okay," Jinyoung said, "everyone time to go." Mark and Jackson rushed aboard. Jin opened up a wall panel that revealed a cot. Namjoon put Jimin down and Jin strapped Jimin in then took the seat next to him. The others loaded up, Jinyoung sat next to Jin.

"What happened," Jinyoung asked.

"Shrapnel," Jin said, "from the bombs."

"We'll make it back," Jinyoung said, "we'll make it back in time." Jin nodded to his reassurance.

"He's a good kid," Jin said, and Jinyoung thought that Jimin looked to be around Taehyung's age. "We have to save him." Jinyoung nodded in agreement. Namjoon pushed the craft to go fast, they made it back in less than 2 hours. Namjoon barely helped land the craft before he was up and taking his cousin in his arms. The ramp went down and Namjoon and Jin ran quickly towards the hospital. Mark and Jackson hung back with Jinyoung. They exited slow and Jinyoung saw familiar faces waiting for him at the end of the hanger.

"Jinyoung," his father said his name. He felt like he had heard his name too many times that day, he was feeling tired and just wanted to sleep.

"Come on," Mark said, "we have to let Jin and Namjoon handle this on their own.” Jinyoung nodded to Mark and walked out over to his father. He looked back to see the others were helping to cool the craft down. Fei and her people were marching out towards one of the higher levels.

"Jinyoung," his father called out for him, "we have to get you food and get you to bed." 

“Now?” Jinyoung whined, "I feel fine." It was a lie, Jinyoung was feeling tired and disoriented. He knew that he needed to eat and rest. 

"You need your rest," his father said, "now come along."

"Let's go," Mark said, "we have to."

Jinyoung gave into them, they got him back to the unit and he laid down. His father made him drink up a container of water. He also had brought some soup back from the cafeteria and he made Jinyoung eat the whole bowl. The sun had set on their way back but it didn't feel late. He felt empty as he settled into bed and his father gave him the last does of his medicine to sleep.

Jinyoung had trouble just finding rest with just one dose of the medicine. Mark climbed in with him to give him someone to hold on to but it wasn’t the same, it would never be the same. It was in the nights that he missed Jaebum the most. That he wished he had Jaebum to lean on, Jaebum to hide away with. Time had passed but Jinyoung never forgot what it was he was missing. Eventually he did find some rest but it was with the thought of Jaebum in his mind and the ache in his heart to find him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the wait, I had some craziness with school and midterms. I finally got some time off and inspiration to work on this chapter.
> 
> I am excited to be back, please leave a comment to let me know what you think, comments really help writers with inspiration. I am thankful to everyone who commented on the last few chapters.
> 
> The next chapter is called "Jaebum" and we will finally get a glimpse of our lost boy.


	7. Jaebum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinyoung is pulled in different directions as Yang offers him what it is he wants the most.

Jinyoung didn’t sleep long before his body started shaking. He woke up with the pain in his head so bad he felt like it was going to burst. His body was running fast, seeking relief from the substance that had calmed him for so long. Jinyoung wanted to block it all out but he was craving it with every fiber of his being. He felt hot all over like his body was trying to get him to give in.

Everyone in his unit was awake quicker than made sense to his mind. Mark traded his position in bed with his father, who held Jinyoung close as Jinyoung begged for more. He just wanted relief from the pain. It was a tense night for everyone around him as nothing eased the pain he was experiencing. Jinyoung went in and out of consciousness and his dad got little sleep watching over him. He didn’t understand why his father wouldn’t help him with how bad he felt. It was a cycle of begging and sleeping and begging for help. 

When morning finally came, Jinyoung was finally given another dose of the drugs that calmed his body and numbed the pain. He wanted more but he knew that no more would be given to him. His first day of weaning off them had passed and the second came on harder than the first. He didn’t want to leave his unit but Jinyoung had a meeting scheduled with President Chae and the other to review the footage from the day before. He didn’t want to go out and face the eyes of all those who he knew would be watching him. He just wanted to stay hidden away from their judgement, away from their gaze. He worried that someone would catch that not all was right with him if he went out with how he was feeling. That thought terrified him. 

The breaths he took were deep but fast at a steady rhythm. Jin was there, talking to Jinyoung’s dad about where Jinyoung was supposed to be, while Youngjae laid beside him with his arms around Jinyoung’s middle. 

“We’ve got you Jinyoung,” Youngjae spoke words of reassurance, “you’re going to make it.” 

Jinyoung nodded in reply. He’d never wanted his brother to see him afraid before but, realizing how strong Youngjae had become, Jinyoung found himself leaning on him. 

“We have to go to a meeting with President Chae,” Jin spoke low but the boys could both hear him clearly.

“No,” his dad responded, “he’s not handling today well enough to go.”

Jinyoung’s heart sank, his father would likely stay with him if he asked. They’d stay together all day while he just hid away from everything. He wanted to so badly.

“Namjoon isn’t going today because of Jimin,” Jin replied, “if Jinyoung doesn’t go it might bring in more questions we don’t want to answer. We have to keep playing the game Youngmin, Jinyoung can handle it.”   
Jinyoung knew deep down that Jin was right. They couldn’t tip off whoever it was that tried to get him on the drugs that he was getting off them. They had to keep going and acting like nothing was wrong.

“Chae will be confused as to why Jinyoung was doing well yesterday but is suddenly bad off today,” Jin continued, “every single thing we do is important, we cannot tip off anyone involved in this plot.”

Jinyoung hated feeling like he had no choice in anything as he listened to the two speak. He hated feeling like someone was playing a game with his life and he couldn’t do anything to stop them. But people had been moving him like a pawn in a chess game for so long, all while calling him a King. So often he felt like he was being pulled in too many directions. 

“He’s not their object to he played with,” his dad argued and fought for him, “Jinyoung needs to rest and they will understand that. He’s giving everything he has.” Jinyoung closed his eyes and clenched his fists. 

“The meeting won’t last that long,” Jin argued, “and I’ll be with him the whole time. He can handle this.” 

Jinyoung looked over at where they stood and spoke. He could see how frustrated his father looked, he probably felt like for the first time that he could protect Jinyoung. His father was doing all he could to help him but he was underestimating what Jinyoung could handle. Jinyoung knew that Jin was right. He needed to go even if he didn’t want to. He had agreed to fight for Panem for many good reasons. While he was happy his father wanted to protect him, he knew what he could handle.

“I have to go,” Jinyoung announced as he sat up and moved to get up from his bed. He didn’t miss the worry on Youngjae’s face as he did. They had seen how much pain he’d been in and he knew that frightened them.

“It will be fine,” Jin said to his family members. Jinyoung agreed. It was just a meeting to watch the footage like other meetings that they’d had. Chae would likely make a decision on which district he would go to next and he would prepare to do his best with whatever mission he was given. The war didn’t take a break for him to have an off day.

“Jin’s right that I need to go,” Jinyoung said, “I agreed to fight for them and I am capable of sitting at a table and talking. It’s not strenuous.” He stood up and did his best to look like he had it all together. He wanted to wince from the harshness of the lights in their units but he held it in. 

“Okay,” his father relented, “I have to go to my shift anyway. But be careful and don’t overload yourself. If they try to push you onto a mission today decline it.” 

Jinyoung nodded, he knew the meeting would probably be like the last one. It wasn’t physically draining but it would be emotionally tasking if Chae tried to push him again. The previous meeting had been right before his near overdose, he was aware the meeting had a part to play. Things had been building for awhile and his state of mind wasn’t prepared for the discussion they’d had. He felt similar to how he had the days before, pained and worn down. He had to be stronger than he was then, that was his only option.

“Come on,” Jin reached out to take Jinyoung’s arm, “let’s get this over with.” 

Jinyoung let Jin pull him close and walked with him. He nodded to his dad as he left their unit and walked the halls of the district. The lights were unnatural and they hurt, the air was thin and he felt like he couldn’t breathe it. He wished 13 wasn’t the only place he could hide from Yang.

They made it to the meeting room, the group that was there included their task force, Hani, Yugyeom, Jackson, Mark, JYP, President Chae and a few members of District 13's council. The group they would be presenting footage to was larger than it had been before. Jinyoung understood the importance the footage they’d taken the day before held. District 13’s council was checking in to see how the missions were going. The officials were likely going to scold them for not following orders and going to 5 as well, Jinyoung hoped the footage was good enough to justify it. 

JYP led the meeting off by talking about how good the footage was from the day before. His words were superfluous and befitting of his personality. JYP played three different propaganda clips that he had formed from the footage for them. They included various shots of the rescue mission, including shots of Jinyoung hadn’t known they’d been filming of him while he stood alone or when he walked among the people. There were shots of his call to action in district 5 and even a shot of Lilly running to him that he hadn’t known they had gotten. Jinyoung wished they hadn’t, he didn’t want them to air footage with her in it. That couldn’t be helped since he held her the entire time he spoke in his call to action.

"Holding the child seems a bit on the nose," Hani commented as the clip played out

"Yeah, but it wasn't staged," President Chae responded, “I am glad you got the footage that showed he picked up that child of his own accord. That is what makes a difference, you can feel when something is real and especially when Jinyoung is doing something on his own.” Jinyoung understood then why they’d included the footage of him picking up Lilly.

"This will make a huge difference," a councilman said. Jinyoung was relieved that they’d gotten something that was considered worthwhile.

"Yes," another councilwoman spoke up, "people in districts 7 and 4 have been wavering, they need this push now. I say we air Jinyoung's call to action this morning, then the other footage tonight. Then we should send Jinyoung to District 7 to rally support for our cause.” He was glad they’d chosen 7 and didn’t try to push him into going to 11 again. 

"I agree," President Chae said, “we will also announce the push that we have gained and commemorate our teams successes tonight. You have done well Jinyoung.” She looked at him with a smile and Jinyoung wanted to return it, but something about the look in her eyes didn’t seem genuine. He didn’t like how her gaze made him feel. He was relieved no one had scolded them for their actions in district five and he nodded gently to her out of respect for her authority.

"I have a question," Jin spoke up, "Namjoon told me 7 was among the more volatile districts. Is it safe to send him there?" Jinyoung didn’t care if it was volatile, if he was needed he would do what he had to.

"I assure you 7 is safe," the President said, "It is the best option, we can't move past 5 anymore with the Capitol set up there. We need to go to 7 since we can't go to 4, we need their support more than ever. If you don't agree there is always district 11. Those people could use a boost of morale right now as well.”

"District 7 sounds good to me," Jinyoung interjected. He glanced towards Jin to try to signal him not to keep arguing for something different. He was sure he could handle things being a bit more volatile. 

"Good," the president said, "I expect to see you at today's gathering Jinyoung, you were quite missed the past 2 days. We want to declare your successes to our people.” She turned about and looked at his team, "make sure he looks ready to go when he stands before the district." Jinyoung flinched as he realized what she was saying, she could see something was off with him. 

“You are all dismissed," she continued, "except Jinyoung, the council and I would like a word with you.” Jinyoung glanced at Jin who had sat up at hearing that.

"Jinyoung will not be taking any meetings without me around," Jin said as others began to shuffle out, "absolutely not." Jinyoung was alarmed by the situation and not sure how to play things off.

"Why, are you his bodyguard?" the President asked Jin, "Jinyoung's the only one I want to talk to, not you Seokjin. The matter which I need to discuss with him doesn't concern you." 

Jinyoung saw Jin glance in JYP's direction, as if looking for some sort of confirmation. JYP nodded to Jin and Jinyoung caught it but it was subtle. Jin looked back to Jinyoung and sighed.

"Jinyoung if you need me I'll be right outside," Jin said to him. Jinyoung furrowed his brow; Jin had told his father that he was going to be with Jinyoung the whole time. Jinyoung couldn’t help but wonder what had caused him to change his mind. What could he be thinking? Jinyoung wasn't supposed to be without someone who knew the situation at all times. He nodded as Jin left but it confused him.

"Jinyoung," the President said his name once the door had shut behind Jin. Jinyoung took account of those who remained in the room. The President was there, the district 13 council and JYP. Not a single friendly face was with him and he worried about what she was going to say.

"What is it you want to talk to me about?" He asked. He wouldn't crack under pressure again. That wasn’t an option.

"We recently received word from some of our operatives in the Capitol and I wanted to inform you first,” the President stated, "We have located where they are holding Im Jaebum." 

JYP was working on the computer screen and began to bring things up. "We have images which are enough to confirm that it is him,” JYP said and Jinyoung’s eyes moved to see what it was. 

The retired gamemaker brought up three images, and Jinyoung's heart pounded. It was Jaebum, there was no mistaking it. They had really found him, he really was alive like Jinyoung had believed. Believing it and seeing it were two different things. Tears filled his eyes as he looked at the images that showed him the man he loved. 

"Jaebum," Jinyoung breathed his name. The images were conflicting and confusing to him. One showed Jaebum walking on the streets of the Capitol and another showed Jaebum in a hospital bed in the Capitol with equipment hooked up to him. Jinyoung’s heart pounded as he wondered the context of each of the images. Which was the most recent one? Was Jaebum healthy as he appeared in the first or sick as he appeared in the second? The third image on screen was of someone else, Jinyoung barely gave it attention as it wasn’t Jaebum. 

"Min Yoongi was spotted by one of our operatives in District 1," JYP spoke, identifing the person in the third image, "he is not in the Capitol's custody."

That was something Jinyoung had nearly forgotten, that they had also been separated from Yoongi. He felt selfish because he realized Jin was probably worried sick about him and Jinyoung had spent so much time crying about Jaebum. He wanted to know how long they’d known… He wanted to run to Jaebum but there was so much between him and the man he loved.

"How long have you had these?" Jinyoung asked aloud. 

“Since Yesterday,” JYP stated, "we got them across the network in the evening and I made a motion to call you but I was told you were asleep. From what we gathered, it seems the Capitol plans on using Im Jaebum to try and pacify the districts but so far they can't get him to comply to anything. If they were able to use him it would be damaging to our campaign.” Jinyoung didn’t believe Jaebum would allow the Capitol to use him or to control his mind. He was stronger than Jinyoung was, he wouldn’t give in easily.

"We wanted to speak to you alone," the President stated, "because you have been acting out of sorts lately." She wore a kind smile on her face, "we thought these could be a show of our plans to honor the deal we made when you first came here. We have operatives on the ground trying to gauge what it would take to mount a rescue operation. We’re one step closer to getting him back.” Jinyoung felt a big rush of emotions, of joy, fear, relief, all conflicting and filling him all at once.

"How soon?" Jinyoung dared to ask. He wanted to know when he could get to Jaebum. He wished he could run there immediately and bring him to safety. 

"We don't know," the president confessed, "there is a lot that must go into this and we have to be careful about executing the mission without incident. He’s being held in the building where they kept the tributes for the games. The guard set up on the building is considerable.” Jinyoung feared that Yang would make it impossible for them to get to Jaebum.

"We do believe though," JYP stated, "it can happen soon." That reassurance was something he needed and he nodded to the older man.

"I can go," Jinyoung said, "if you're sending in a team, please let me go with them." He didn’t want to sit around and wait while others went for Jaebum, he wanted to be part of the team that got him back. He had to be the one to bring him home again.

"Out of the question," the President said, "a rescue operation within the Capitol would be the most dangerous thing we’ve ever attempted. We can't risk you for any reason.”

"But it's Jaebum," Jinyoung said, "I have to go to him." That was the truth, he had to go back for Jaebum after all Jaebum had done for him. They lost Jaebum because he had been protecting Jinyoung and he’d put his own life on the line to do it. Jinyoung had to be the one to lead them in when they went to get Jaebum back. Jinyoung wouldn’t let others take his place on his mission.

"We will let you know once our plans fall into place,” the President stated. "In the meantime, we must keep getting our footage to the public. If the Capitol plans on retaliation we need to fight back. The more ground we gain the more possible this rescue mission will become, you do understand that don’t you?” 

Of course he did. The weaker the Capitol was, the easier it would be to rescue Jaebum. "I got it," Jinyoung said, "thank you."

He was glad they had shown him what they’d found instead of hiding it from him. His eyes wouldn’t leave the images on the display as he observed everything about them. He noticed the small ways in which Jaebum didn’t seem okay and that frightened him. It increased his desire to bring him home, to hold Jaebum close like Jaebum had always held him close.

"Whatever you need Jinyoung," the President spoke with sincerity, "we are willing to help you with whatever you need. You're doing an amazing job here and we are all grateful to you for all you’ve done for us and for this nation. Do not be afraid to ask me should you find you need anything." 

"Thank you again," Jinyoung said with a slight bow from where he sat. He was glad that he was winning them over. He needed their support and they were keeping their end of the bargain. Maybe she wasn’t as bad as he had once thought she was.

"Dismissed," she told him and Jinyoung got up to leave. He turned for one last glance at the images then proceeded to leave the meeting room. He walked out to Jin waiting for him as he said he would. He wanted to tell Jin what he had learned when Jin interrupted him before he could formulate words.

"Okay," Jin stated, "we need to get you some food and water immediately then get you back to your unit to rest before tonight.”

"Jin," Jinyoung wasn’t concerned about food, he wanted to tell Jin what he’d been told, "Yoongi is in District 1. He is safe, the Capitol doesn't have him." He was sure it was news that Jin would be happy to her.

“What?” Jin looked stunned, “how do you—”

“JYP got images from his operatives,” Jinyoung said, “they showed me Jaebum too, they said they know where he is. They can rescue him and they’re planning to do so soon.”

“When?” Jin asked.

“They don’t know yet,” Jinyoung said, “but I want to go with them when they do. I don’t think Chae’s going to like it but I will be on that team.” When he was determined to do something he always found a way to do it. That was something he was sure the others understood.

"Let's save that discussion for when we know more," Jin said, “I wasn’t sure if Yoongi had been captured or not, but him being in 1? I wonder how long he’s been there. The Capitol was close to District 1. What if the arena was in 1? Maybe he’s been there this whole time.”

"Can we get to district one?" Jinyoung asked. He wondered if it was possible to reach it or if they were even on their side. If they were they could get Yoongi back on their team and Yoongi was one of the most powerful allies they had. Jinyoung should have guessed that he hadn’t been captured, he was probably very difficult for the Capitol to stop.

"I think it's a 5 hour fight," Jin said, "and a dangerous one due to it being so close to the Capitol. We couldn't get in easily in any case."

"Taeyeon would know," Jinyoung said, "wouldn't she?"

"Taeyeon hasn't been given any sort of trust around here," Jin said, "her whole family is here because of JYP but District 13 thinks she was too easy to manipulate due to her family." That wasn’t a fair evaluation of her.

"Aren't we all thought?" Jinyoung asked, “I volunteered for my brother, and we have been in 5… I know how important your parents are to you." 

"Yes," Jin responded, "we would all give a lot up for our families and the people we love most." The loaded statement referred to Jaebum, Jinyoung knew that. They’d often tried to talk to him about his over-dependence on Jaebum, but Jinyoung didn’t like those discussions. They talked a bit more on what had happened, Jinyoung knew his mind was unfocused. He wasn't able to think over much related to District 1 nor how they were going to get to the Capitol if they couldn't get past district 5. Still seeing that Jaebum was alive, it was everything.

—————

That evening Jinyoung stood behind President Chae in a line of people that were being commemorated for their bravery and hard work. She was getting ready to introduce the third propaganda video and air it within the district as it played all over Panem. Every district would see what it was Jinyoung had done and he felt awkward as he stood, knowing what it was going to be like.

President Chae made a long speech about his team’s bravery and his contributions to the cause. She did everything shy of having him speak which he was glad of. He felt very much on edge with his second dose of the drugs being hours before and his third being a long way off. He didn’t feel like himself and he knew if he had been asked to speak that it wouldn’t have gone well. When she finally announced the video he was glad that it meant the assembly would end soon. When it ended he could go back to his unit and stay with his family as he tried to work through the withdrawal symptoms he was feeling.

Jin and Namjoon were next to him in the line up. Jinyoung had asked them earlier how Jimin was and found out the younger boy had come out surgery successfully and would make it. He was glad of that. They had gotten back to district 13 just in time and Jinyoung was glad they chose to go to that district at all. He didn’t like to think of the what-if’s because he knew it was very likely another scenario would have played out. District 5 was on screen, the footage had also been worth the trip as Jinyoung heard his call to action played again. He cringed as the video gut to highlight parts of their day with his speech playing over it. He didn’t think his words were remarkable but there was an energy in the room as the people watched.

The highlights showed the destruction and the things that the Capitol had done, but they also showed Jinyoung reaching the hostages. It showed Jinyoung walking among the crowds and it showed the desperation of the people. He didn’t feel like he was watching himself as he watched it. It was someone else on screen doing those things, someone else who was stronger than he was. He was confused as to his own identity. Jinyoung didn’t understand how he could be both the boy on screen and the broken person he knew he was.

The video had almost ended when static came through. It was interrupted. Murmurs went throughout the room as their feed on the screen was broken and the screen showed only white. One of the guards radioed Wooyoung to ask what was happening as Chae turned her own attention to the radio, appearing alarmed. Jinyoung found his eyes stuck on the screen as it shifted to static again. He couldn’t explain it but he felt like something was behind the static in their way, something that was meant for him.

"Jinyoung," a voice broke through the white noise. He knew that voice, within seconds he recognized it. It didn’t matter how long it had been, he knew who it was.

"Jaebum," Jinyoung called out to him feeling like just for a moment that Jaebum could hear him. Jin grabbed Jinyoung’s arm as he tried to step forward and he tried to pull away from the other victor.

"Jinyoung don't," Jin said frantically. The static was still overwhelming as Wooyoung fought to get Jinyoung's video back on the feed but Jinyoung didn’t want it back. He wanted Jaebum, he wanted to see Jaebum. He knew what he had heard and he wanted him back..

"No,” Jinyoung said. Jinyoung's heart was pounding as he watched and Jin held him from moving closer, tears filled his eyes. "Tell them to let it play," Jinyoung begged Namjoon. He needed the older boy to understand. He had made the order to go to District 5 for Namjoon, now he needed Namjoon to do something for him.

"Jinyoung we can’t—“ Jin began.

"No," Jinyoung argued, "they need to let it play. It's Jae— please it’s Jaebum.” 

"Jinyoung it's a trick,” Jin argued with him and Jinyoung just wanted to make him understand. He would want the same if he was torn away from someone he loved so horribly as Jinyoung was.

"I know his voice," Jinyoung said, "please, let it play. Please I have to hear him.” It was likely Jin and Namjoon really couldn’t do anything to make it change if District 13 cut the feed but he had to be doing something. He had to try something to make them understand him.

"This is an ultimatum for Park Jinyoung," the static faded, it adjusted and when Jinyoung turned back to it President Yang was there. His eyes were sharp as they always had been, his gaze full of a dark emotion of hatred. Jinyoung’s heart pounded as he watched it. It was a message for him, an ultimatum but for what reason.

"Where's Jaebum?” Jinyoung asked, he had heard his voice. He knew Jaebum was there. It didn’t matter what he asked though, Yang couldn’t hear him, Jaebum couldn’t hear him.

"I urge you to cease and desist your hostile actions towards the glorious nation of Panem," President Yang continued to speak to him. "your actions are directly against the peace we have worked so hard to build over the last seventy-five years. Panem is a fragile system, we survive together and if we fall we do it together." Jinyoung’s heart pounded as he listened. "I know you Jinyoung, and I know you don't want a war. You don't like losing the ones you love, and that is what happens when there is a war. People will die on both sides. The men, woman and children you want to protect will die over and over. The losses that will happen because of your actions will be considerable." 

"I know that you do not want that,” Yang continued, "as an act of good faith I would like to give you an ultimatum that will lead to a peaceful resolution of the conflict we are now in. Cease all hostile acts against your own people and venture yourself to District 5. There my people will meet you. What I am offering you is a reunion with your friend Im Jaebum. I will give the both of you and your families a safe place to live here in the Capitol. You will help us from here to reunite our country and make it the prosperous nation I know it can be.”

He was offering Jaebum, he was offering peace. He was holding it out to Jinyoung like poison and asking him to drink. Jinyoung’s heart screamed because all he wanted to do was take it, take any chance they would give him of having the man he loved again. 

"If you do not meet these demands," Yang continued, "you will find your childish acts of rebellion will bring the war you crave but what are you willing to risk for it? Are you willing to risk everything Jinyoung?” The camera moved and it was on Im Jaebum, he was there with Yang. His face looking tired and sick, they’d done something to him. 

"Jinyoung," Jaebum realized he was on screen. His eyes said so much as he looked into the camera, he was telling Jinyoung not to give in not to do it. Jinyoung saw that, but seeing Jaebum his whole heart skipped screaming out for him. 

"The Capitol rescued Jaebum from the arena," Yang stated, "he was near death when we found him. We showed him mercy, even though the people he surrounded himself with have worked to expand the fire of these radicals. We want peace and peace has a cost. Do not allow yourselves to be blinded by the actions of these people you call your friends. I don't know what they've told you Jinyoung, but they do not know this nation like I do. I have kept the peace, kept people from losing their lives to a war like this. Do not let yourself be blinded by their actions. Come to us, you will find the things you have desired are within your reach without needing to fight me for them.” His words sounded so sincere. 

"Jinyoung," Jaebum spoke again, "Jinyoung don't listen to him! It's a trap, Jinyoung! You’ve gotta run, they're coming for you!” Yang's eyes widened as the feed cut off in an instant. Jinyoung cried out Jin pulled him close away from the railing. Jinyoung had tears rolled down his face he was losing his strength from the pounding of his heart. Jaebum had called out for him, they’d taken Jaebum away from him again.

"That was Jaebum," Jinyoung cried frantically, forgetting the eyes on him, "they have Jaebum, I have to go get him!"

"Jinyoung calm down," Jin pulled him closer and grabbed both his arms, “I need you to listen to me and breathe. Come on Jinyoung, focus on breathing, don’t think about anything else right now you need to breathe.” Jinyoung’s breaths were coming fast but he didn’t care, he only cared about one thing. 

"No," Jinyoung cried, "they have Jaebum, they'll kill him, we have to go now. We have to get him, please!” They couldn’t wait, they couldn’t sit back and wait for Yang to kill the man he loved, he needed him back.

“Jaebum tried to warn us about something," Namjoon said, “that’s why they cut the feed.”

"They're coming," JYP declared, "they Capitol is sending their warships here, now. We got a message from an operative in 8 that bombers are headed this way!” 

Bombers? Yang was coming for them all, he was coming to kill Jinyoung. His show wasn’t an offer of peace, it was a farce, a distraction meant to make Jinyoung go crazy. To make the people of 13 see Jinyoung at his worst... 

"We have to evacuate," Chae said, "Send the evacuation order Immediately.” She commanded the officers and she hurried down towards the control room with them. But where could they evacuate too? They were trapped underground. Yang would drop bombs and seal them away like bodies locked in a tomb. There was no way out. 

"We have to go down to the shelters,” Jin said to Jinyoung, "we have to go now."

"No," Jinyoung fight against his grip, "not without Jaebum, please." He was losing his mind, he wanted Jaebum to hold him and tell him that everything was going to be okay but Jaebum couldn’t. Jaebum would run to him if he could but he couldn’t. Jin was pulling him up and dragging him along.

"Jinyoung don’t worry we’re going to figure it out,” Jin said. The people below were all running, rushing. The bombing drill siren was sounding loudly and Jinyoung was losing track of time.

"Please," Jinyoung said he tried so hard to get away from Jin but Jin held on to him strong, "I want to go, I want to go. I want him back, please give him back to me.” He couldn't think of anything else.

"Jinyoung!" Jin shouted at him to break through the madness of what he was feeling, "we're going to get him back! I promise we are going to get him back. I promise you Jinyoung! You need to listen to me now please. Get your head on now, we have to go down to the shelters now! Jaebum warned us, he gave us time because he loves you Jinyoung, he loves you and he doesn’t want anything to happen to you. We have to run now!” Jinyoung knew that what Jin was saying was true, they did have to go. He had to listen, he had to trust Jin because everything Jin was saying was the truth.

Jinyoung shut his mouth and simply nodded, and the group started moving together. They got stuck in a group of people all running down at the same time as them. Jin locked arms with him and Namjoon so that they could stay together. They heard someone calling their names and stopped so Jackson and Mark could catch up to them. They all moved together, fast and careful down the stairways. He could feel the fear in the air, and fear in his own heart. He was frightened that the deeper they went meant there would inevitably be no way out.

He was relieved despite it when they made it down to the shelters. He began immediately to search Youngjae and his father and cried out when he saw his brother. "Youngjae!" Jinyoung cried out his name as they rushed about the lower bunker towards each other. 

"Jinyoung!" the young boy ran and hugged him tight.

"Jae!" Jinyoung was relieved that he had found him. He hugged him tightly and close to himself. He realized that Youngjae had run to him and no one else. "Jae where's dad?" Jinyoung asked and Youngjae shook his head in response.

"I don't know," Youngjae said, "she helped me." He pointed over to where Taeyeon sat with two girls, one of them did look sickly where the other was healthy. He realized they were her sisters who JYP had worked to save. "She came to the hospital for her sister and I was there but I don’t know where dad was. I knew he would want me to go down so I did.”

"We'll find him," Jin responded, "we have to look for Jimin too." Namjoon nodded in agreement.

"Stay here with your brother," Namjoon said, “we’re going to go back up and look for them.” They turned quickly and began to rush away, Jinyoung’s heart pounded as he realized he had to stay with Jae.

"I'm going with you," Mark declared and the other boy ran after them as they ran forward. Jinyoung was held back from also following by Jackson. Jinyoung glared at him and looked down at where Jackson held his arm.

"They said to stay here," Jackson reminded.

"Get off me," Jinyoung said and he shook his arm out of Jackson's grasp. When fear set in certain memories did as well and no matter how much he wished Jackson wasn’t a part of the fear, he was. He’d been part of the reason Jinyoung was down so hard that day, the day he lost Jaebum. 

"Jinyoung," Youngjae pulled him from the haze he was in, “Let's sit down.” His younger brother moved to guide him. There were beds everywhere around them and people watching his every move. He couldn't afford to lose his cool with so many eyes on him. He went with Youngjae to sit down. The bed Youngjae picked was near where Taeyeon was next to here sisters, Jackson sat next to her and put an arm around her.

"Jae," Jinyoung said, "when did you last see dad?"

"He was with the new patient," Youngjae said, "with Jimin-ssi.” If his dad was with Jimin then Namjoon and Jin would find them both together which was good. 

He looked around where they were and realized all the people of district 13 were prepared for what was happening. He wasn't and it frightened him. They were going to be bombed and he didn’t know how he would handle it. He leaned back against the bead post and tapped his fist against his leg. He wanted to focus on remaining calm but he knew it was going to be difficult while having withdrawal symptoms. 

"Jinyoung," Jackson spoke to him calmly, "we are safe in here, they won’t reach us.”

"It's not just that," Jinyoung commented, he knew Jackson saw everything that he was feeling. It’s not like he was trying to hide it. He was just trying to manage it as best he could.

"I know," Jackson said.

"Do you?" Taeyeon spoke up with a smile in her voice, "leave him alone Jacks, he's got to get through this on his own sometime." Jinyoung was confused by what she meant.

"What?" he asked and he looked to her and saw her eyes were filled with compassion.

“The panic attacks you deal with,” Taeyeon stated, "we all had them in our time after the games, I still have them occasionally. It takes time to learn to manage them.” He knew the other victors dealt with the same thing he did. They’d all faced the horrors of the games as well but he had to deal with more than that. So many people had put pressure on him to make the war work, to make the fight worthwhile. He didn’t feel strong enough to take it all in when he was messed up himself.

"This is beyond panic attacks now," Jackson said, "and he knows that." 

Jinyoung looked at him, wondering what more he was going to say. He did know that it was beyond what it had been when the first games ended. It was more his fault than anything else that he’d made things worse. He had made a choice and he had cause his own pain by his own choices. Everyone tried to tell him that the was making a bad decision but he hadn’t listened.

Jinyoung looked away from them to where Youngjae sat next to him. His brother was stronger than himself in so many ways. His brother knew everything he had done, and his brother didn't look at him any different than he had before. Jinyoung wondered why that was. They didn’t treat him like he was damaged even though they had every reason to. He knew he damaged since the beginning. Since that arena began he would never be able to shake the things that he’d seen. The second one had just made things worse. He’d lost people he loved, the person he loved most. 

Jaebum was one choice away based on what Yang had told him and he knew that it was a trap. Knowing that couldn't stop the way his heart raced. He wanted to throw it all away for Jaebum, even if he knew the risk was that Yang wouldn’t keep his end of the deal. Jinyoung was so damaged that he’d make such a choice if he felt like he could. Yang could dangle Jaebum in front of his face without ever explicitly threatening his life and Jinyoung would want to throw everyone else away to get to him. Was he just not thinking straight? It was more than just his withdrawals, it was just how his heart reacted.

Jaebum was everything to him. He’d become everything to Jinyoung in the quiet moments they shared, where Jaebum filled in the cracks of his broken existence. Where Jaebum blocked out the darkness and showed him a way to stand again. He never could have imagined then that Jaebum would be the one person to reach him and pull him out. That Jaebum could make the difference to set him free from the thing’s he’d seen. Without Jaebum he couldn’t get out.

"Jinyoung," Jackson spoke again, "you can't listen to any promises Yang makes. He's a liar, it’s all lies.” Jinyoung didn’t want to talk about it with anyone else much less Jackson. He understood that it was a lie but it was a lie he wanted and that was what made it so difficult.

"I know that," Jinyoung responded, "I know it." But did he really? If he was considering trying to take the deal that Yang had laid out he was definitely failing to grasp the concept that it was a lie.

"He'll kill you," Jackson said, “he’ll reunite you both to give you a sense of security, but then he'll force you both to watch or cause each other's deaths. His mind is twisted. This is all a game to him." 

Jinyoung didn't doubt Jackson was saying the truth of what would happen. He knew what kind of man Yang was, that was something he’d grown up witnessing each year as kids were taken. He’d always known that one day it could be him and it turned out to be true.

Yang was the kind of man who had made the games into something more than symbolic. He had made the games a twisted death trap and something that he could use to make money. Jinyoung had gone through two, so had Jackson. Most people didn't even understand the pain of facing one. Yang had been the one to make the games what they were even if he didn’t start them himself. Jinyoung didn’t doubt their dictator was capable of much worse. He didn’t want to imagine how much worse things had been for Jaebum since being captured. He didn’t look like himself, Yang had done something to him. Every day that passed the more went wrong and the longer Yang had to mess with Jaebum

"I can't leave Jaebum there," Jinyoung said, "I need to get him back, even if just for a moment." Even if he’d die after being given what he wanted most. What held him back is he knew that Jaebum would die as well, and he couldn’t imagine surviving losing Jaebum.

"Jaebum wouldn't want you to do that,” Jackson replied, "he would want you to continue to fight. This battle is for everyone, it's important. Jaebum spent years dreaming of the day we have now, you can’t give up on it.” 

"I know," Jinyoung responded, he knew his role, "but I can’t… I can't be everything for them. I’m not enough." That was how he’d always felt. He didn’t know why they saw him as something more when he wasn’t. He’d become the symbol of their revolution all cause he refused to fight when the Capitol put a sword in his hand. All because he’d rather die than watch his brother get taken away to the games. The things he did, they weren’t the mark of a warrior or a hero. He had never tried to fan the flames of rebellion, yet somehow he’d become the flames himself.

"You aren't being everything to them,” Jackson replied, "you're giving them hope and they're learning that they are enough. They are learning that together we all are enough. This fight is a fight for all of us, we could never succeed if it was a fight for one person.” 

"Then why does it feel like it's all down to me?" Jinyoung asked as tears filled his eyes. That’s all he felt all the time. It was a crushing weight on his shoulders and he didn’t know how much longer he could carry it.

"It's not all on you,” Jackson said, "I think that's what the people need to see. We all need to stand up. Every victor, every single one of us who witnessed Yang's atrocities firsthand.” Jinyoung looked into Jackson’s eyes and saw the sincerity in them.

"Seriously," Taeyeon stated, "if they asked I would tell my story for the cause. That could turn the tides real fast, but they don't want my help because I am from District 1. It makes no sense since they need District 1 right now. I could get the district on our side but they don’t trust me.” It reminded Jinyoung of the important fact that he’d only told Jin.

"Yoongi's in District 1,” Jinyoung said. Jinyoung was going to ask her how they could go and find him but if District 13 wasn’t going to let her help at all it was unlikely she’d be able to get them there.

"He is?" Taeyeon asked.

"Yeah," Jinyoung responded, "JYP's operatives found evidence he was, Yang doesn't have him. We need to get him back somehow.” They all knew how good of a fighter Yoongi was.

"Then I need to stand up and demand action," Taeyeon said, "we need my district in this fight, my district thinks I'm dead." 

“We can’t change the terms of the deal I already made,” Jinyoung said, “they won’t let up on me but we can ask them to add you and everyone else.” In making this plans he knew what he would be throwing away. If he amended his deal President Chae might stop the rescue operation and he couldn’t have that. He didn’t want to be a part of anything if it put Jaebum in further danger, they needed to rescue him.

It was possible District 1 could be key to that rescue. District 1 was right next to the Capitol, if they could turn it to their side and go there they could launch the rescue from the best possible location. Jinyoung felt tension building throughout his body and wondered about when they could make it happen. He didn’t want to keep waiting but would anyone let him go if he continued to struggle as much as he was? He needed help to just stay grounded, he couldn’t get relief from the pain in his system. They were never going to let him join a strike team on a mission inside the Capitol.

His thoughts were interrupted by familiar voices and he turned towards them to see Taehyung and the others found them. Taehyung saw the hurt in his eyes and sat next to him to put his arms around him. Jinyoung welcomed the embrace of the young stylist as he couldn’t stop shaking from the withdrawal. Yugyeom sat next to him and took his hand in a comforting gesture. Hani sat next to Taeyeon and Jennie sat next to Hani. In looking around at all their faces he realized how many people he had who loved him, how many he would protect. He had grown to cherish all those who were a part of his journey. He didn’t know what he would do without them.

He was relieved when Namjoon, Jin and Mark returned with his dad shortly after. Namjoon was carrying Jimin who looked out of it but better than the last time Jinyoung had seen him. Namjoon set his cousin down on one of the beds and sat with him. 

Taehyung let go of Jinyoung, suddenly interested in the newcomer. “Is he okay?” he promoted. 

"He was in a cellular regeneration chamber," Jinyoung's dad said, "when the alarm went off we had to get him out but the doctors were all clambering to run. It's good thing these boys came looking cause I struggled to carry him on my own.” 

His father turned to look at Jinyoung, clearly noticing his son was on edge, and walked over to sit next to him. Jinyoung looked at him asking with his gaze if his dad had what he needed. He saw nothing in return, he would be riding the symptoms out with nothing. No third dose until they got out of the bunker. It was then that the first bomb fell. They felt the shaking as if felt like the earth was quaking. Jinyoung gasped at how much the structure shook. HIs dad put an arm around him and Youngjae as well and pulled them close. 

"It's going to be okay boys," He said, "they built this bunker for this reason, we'll be fine." Jinyoung nodded, he tried not to be worried about it but it was quite frightening.

Jinyoung leaned completely on his dad. He knew that his dad had seen the broadcast, seen what happened and knew the reason that his son was shaking. Everything in front of him, everything behind. He was going to have to make choices to find his own footing in all that had happened. He wanted someone else to make the choices for him but he didn’t have that luxury.

More bombs dropped, and with each one Jinyoung remembered Jaebum's face. Gaunt and thin like they hadn’t been feeding him or letting him sleep. Each second he knew that Jaebum couldn't help him make his decision either. Jinyoung had to try to rescue him and he couldn’t wait forever.

His dad's grip on him got stronger, responding. Jinyoung thought of how far they had come from all the resentment and the fights. There had been a time where he’d thought he would never have his dad back but he’d been wrong. He felt safer here than he had been in a long time with his father’s arm around him. He was safer with his family all around him, alive and breathing. He felt his fathers love in his strong grip, in the eyes of concern. A man who had once been as he was, broken beyond what he could repair had found his strength. His dad had found a way to pick himself up and be strong again, that was what he had to do. No matter what.

But it wasn't easy, nothing was. So maybe the answer was in trusting his dad further, talking it out. Letting the truth be known. He had to try, it was the only thing he could do. When the bombings ended they weren't let out immediately. They had to be careful not to leave until they were certain it was safe. The Capitol could still come back to continue their bombardment. Because they would be there a long time his father pushed two of the beds together so he could hold both of his boys. Jinyoung was shaking, his body rejecting the lack of the drug he needed but he felt better just being in a space where someone who loved him had him. Despite the fear and uncertainty he found rest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading, this chapter was an intense on and there is much more to come.
> 
> The next chapter is called "Shaken Trust."
> 
> Thanks to all those who commented, it really got me excited to work on the next chapters. Please comment and let me know what you think of this chapter.


	8. Shaken Trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinyoung is faced with a challenge in his journey as trust between him and his father is shattered.
> 
> WARNING: This chapter contains some references to underage prostitution and prostitution in general. Nothing graphic but references and mentions of it happening.

The next day the team didn't lift off as planned. Every able bodied man was needed to mount repairs around the base after what had happened with the bombing. The flight Jinyoung was supposed to take to District 7 was rescheduled to the next day but it was tentative on the repairs in the base. Jinyoung’s head had a pounding pain when he woke up below ground with people beginning to move back up towards their homes in the base. The all clear signal had been sounded and they were free to return. There were curious eyes on Jinyoung as he tried to hide his face in his dad’s chest. He didn’t like that so many people could see him and probably could tell he was in pain.

His dad kept an arm around him when they walked up into the rest of the base and back towards their unit. He tried to keep his head down as they walked up the main stairs leading towards the upper levels. The air felt thinner below and he wanted to leave the base more than ever. He wished that their flight hadn’t been changed as he felt life below ground was suffocating. Even more so with the reality of what he’d witnessed the day before and how the people of 13 all saw him break at one glimpse of Im Jaebum. 

When they returned to their unit, they got the substance back in his system and the relief was stronger than it had been in days. Perhaps being without a fix for so long was helping to curb his need for more and more of it. Jinyoung did realize how much he liked the feeling of the numb calm the drug gave him and why it was so addictive. He wished he could have more than the allotted dose to make up for not having it for so long. When he asked he was told he couldn’t.

"Dad," Jinyoung wanted to ask him why it was so hard, "why do I want it so bad?"

His dad looked at him and knew what he was talking about it. It wasn’t about Jaebum and the deal that Yang had offered but about the relief he could get with those little pills. “It’s pretty simple,” his dad said, "it stimulated responses in your body that make you crave it but it won't last forever. When you come off of them fully you’ll find normalcy again and this whole thing will be in the past.” 

“I want it more right now,” Jinyoung responded, “I feel like I need it.” He wanted to be honest with his father about everything he was feeling because he knew that the older man couldn’t help if he was dishonest. He had to learn to rely on him all over again and that wasn’t easy but it was heartwarming how he felt when he did. For so long he’d wanted his father to see him and to show that he really did love him. It took Jinyoung falling apart in the worst ways to finally realize that he’d had that love all along.

"I know," his dad said, "but we're working through it. Asking for help, letting us help you that will make the difference and telling me when you feel that way will also help. Let’s talk about other things, get your mind on something else.” 

Jinyoung didn’t know what else he had to talk about. So much in his life was a mess. He didn't feel like much of a difference was being made in the short time he’d tried to fix himself. The only difference was people were controlling everything for him again to try and fix the mess he’s made because he couldn’t be trusted on his own. He wanted to get the addiction out of his head, to let everything fall back to how it was before he’d taken the kills. But he couldn't just get off it with the will to do so, it was a process. Some days he wanted to go back to hiding, to the place where he could find relief without judgement. He didn’t know if that was what he himself wanted or if it was the pills talking. There was so much going on and so many feelings running through his mind and it was difficult to find what voice was his own. He wanted peace, numbness, relief, whatever he could get. He should just say it, say something about it but he held it in.

“Dad,” Jinyoung said, “What do you think about the war? About what we’re doing?” _About what I am doing?_ Jinyoung didn’t know what it was that drove him to ask but he needed to. His dad had said to try and talk about something else.

“Jinyoung-ah,” his father pulled him closer where they sat, “you have been so brave, so strong. I think what you are doing is helping people and that you didn’t have to but that you chose to shows your strength. I’ve worried about you throughout it, worried about how you were handling the pressure they put on you but I’ve also seen how you rise to the challenges you face. This war is our chance to change things but I want you to understand something. This is not on you, it’s not all up to you. You can help, you can do what you’ve been doing to help but don’t ever feel like winning and losing is up to you.” Jinyoung didn’t know his dad had so many thoughts on the matter. Somehow he’d always assumed his dad was against his being involved at all.

“I feel like if I don’t do something then it will all fall apart,” Jinyoung admitted. “I feel like if I go after what it is I really want that I’ll hurt everyone else.” 

“How could you hurt people by loving as deeply as you do?” His father asked and Jinyoung realized the man had caught his meaning so quickly. He prioritized the rescue mission above everything else in his mind.

“I love him so much,” Jinyoung admitted, “I love him with everything I have. I don’t know what to do without him.” Tears streamed out of his eyes unbidden, they seemed to always flow when Jinyoung really said what was going on in his mind. He hadn’t known what love could be when he was younger. He hadn’t known how easily and how fast he could fall. How much he just needed the one he loved.

“I Knowing what it’s like to fall in love,” his father said softly, “and to lose love.” Jinyoung’s heart rate increased slightly. His father had never talked about his mother, never once had he mentioned her since he died. He shut down when he lost her but he’d never talked to Jinyoung about it.

“How did you find her?” Jinyoung tried to ask, he wanted to know what it was like for his parents.

“She found me,” the man said, “we were both so young and foolish. She was so different from me when we met, I always thought she was better than me. I was studying medicine in hopes of becoming a doctor and she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. But beauty isn’t what made me fall in love with her. She faced a lot of adversity in her life, yet, despite all she’d experienced, she was the kindest person I knew. There was such a goodness to her, a light to everything she did…” Jinyoung listened and took in each word his father spoke.

“You’re a lot like her Jinyoung-ah,” the man continued, “no matter what it is they’ve done to you… no matter what they tried to steal from you, you’re still strong. You’re still kind. The way you reach out to people despite your own pain, that’s a strength that she had…” He took a deep breath to try and sort out his own emotions as his father spoke. 

“I miss her so much,” Jinyoung replied. He wondered what it would be like if he had her with him. If he’d had her with him when he got back from the games. She’d always held him close, always doted on him. He had those memories of her, and the memories of her final days stored away in his heart. He was scared to unlock them, scared about how he’d cry if he did. He’d never been able to process his grief. He hadn’t been given time to mourn. He’d had to find a way to survive on his own after experiencing such a painful loss.

“I miss her too,” His father said, “but when I feel that ache for her filling me, I look at you and I remember her. It’s okay to remember the good things along with the bad, to smile about the time we did have. I know that’s not what you want to hear right now but Jinyoung when you think of Jaebum… don’t think of the worst things and of that day. Think of the best things, of the time you spent with him. I know that you’ll get him back. I believe that they won’t be able to keep you apart forever. I am so proud of you Jinyoung-ah, so proud of the man you’ve become. Don’t be afraid of what’s ahead because I know that whatever it is you put your mind to, you will succeed.”

“I’m so scared,” Jinyoung responded, “so scared of what’s going to happen.” He needed to tell someone, needed to admit it.

“I know,” his father said, “being afraid, that’s normal. That’s how people respond when things seem uncertain and when they’ve experienced loss and pain. When I lost your mother, I was afraid. I was afraid for what it meant, I was afraid I couldn’t protect you and I did so wrong… I should have been there for you, I should’’t have let fear shut me down. I don’t want you to make the same mistake I did, I want you to recognize and confront that which you are afraid of. Don’t let it win over you.”

They stayed together speaking softly about the things Jinyoung needed to. They talked until his father had to leave to continue his work at the hospital. Jinyoung was left alone as all his other friends were busy helping with the repairs to the base. It nearly felt like it was the first day he was allowed to be alone since he had first arrived in the district. He didn't understand why they would think it was a good time to leave him alone but he knew everyone had to help after what happened. His father had told him to rest and that he would be back soon.

Jinyoung took the chance to get some sleep and remained in their unit until the quiet became too much to bare. He got up to walk around the base and see more of it. He hadn’t done much exploring or seen much of the structure itself beyond the parts he had been guided through and when he was looking for a place to hide. He wondered what it would take to get permission to go above ground and if things were even recognizable after the bombs. He walked and found he didn't know which direction to go in. He kept wandering until he found himself back in the main hall, standing on the platform overlooking the hustle of the people below. 

He saw a face he didn't want to see among what was going on; JYP was walking with a group of video editors and Wooyoung who seemed to be always close by the older man. Jinyoung felt nothing short of indignant towards JYP ever since they broke out of the arena and the events that followed. Jinyoung could see the excitement in the man’s eyes everytime new footage came back and new edits were made. He knew that JYP wasn't dangerous, just an opportunist using his chance to change everything. Jinyoung did wonder what loyalty Wooyoung seemed to have towards him. Wooyoung was also a victor, hailing from district 3, and he was talented with all he did. Jinyoung wondered why he always followed JYP wherever he went. He wondered what Wooyoung’s part in the fight was and where his loyalties lay.

Jinyoung watched more people bustling about the place. He watched Taehyung wheeling around his new friend Jimin in the halls below. Namjoon's cousin was looking better every time Jinyoung saw him, his father was his doctor and Jinyoung knew his father had done all he could. There was so much available to them in 13 medically and at times he wondered why that was. How did 13 develop such advanced medical facilities below ground? How did they have so many substances and tools available to them? They were cut off from the outside world and something about it didn’t make sense to him.

Jinyoung often ignored his own thoughts about the way the world worked. He wasn’t educated enough to understand how the society worked before. He didn’t think his own opinion on matters that could be complicated were valid opinions. But he still couldn’t shake the thought that there was something more going on in 13, and he wondered if the spies in the Capitol helping them. There was evidence the plot to spark revolution had been spinning for a long time, he was simply a catalyst they used, a key thread in a much larger tapestry. The missing piece was what the Capitol had to gain from a revolution and if the Capitol had any chance to win.

"Are you up here to think?" someone interrupted his thoughts and he turned quickly to face her, "or are you just enjoying the view?" He hadn’t expected anyone to approach him.

"President Chae," Jinyoung addressed her and added a slight bow based on her authority. He would rather not bow to a leader at all but he didn’t want to undermine a power structure in a district that was keeping his family safe.

“Please no formalities between us Jinyoung," she responded, "I would like us to be friends. We are fighting for the same cause and are in many ways the same.”

"We are," Jinyoung conceded and she joined him by standing and watching the people. He felt uneasy around her. At times she was confrontational and other times she was kind. He couldn’t get a gauge about how she felt towards him. Sometimes it was like she treated him like annoyance and other times she treated him in a way that was almost motherly. He didn’t trust her yet at the same time he felt that he should, he wanted to. Something about her seemed familiar but in a way he couldn’t identify or understand.

"Jaebum's warning bought us the time we needed," Chae spoke up, "the people are all grateful to him for speaking up. I really hope that our reconnaissance brings us news on the possibility of a rescue. I believe it is possible soon.”

"Soon," Jinyoung repeated, "I hope so." He didn’t know if he wanted to believe her or if he wanted to be more cautious with what he believed. He was scared that believing her words would lead him to more hurt when he didn’t get what he wanted. She, of course, knew the deal Yang had offered and what it meant.

"We are doing everything we can," she said, "I can promise you that much."

He wondered if she had a motivation that uniting Jaebum with Jinyoung could boost the morale of the people. Everything was a game in 13, in Panem at large. He didn’t believe for a moment that she was trying to help him because he’d asked. She had to have another motive, something else to gain. The game in 13 was different than in the Capitol, it was more subtle, more like chess. 

"Jinyoung," Chae spoke with concern in her voice, "have you been feeling okay? I've noticed lately you've looked tired and out of sorts. If you need time off you only have to ask. We can postpone your mission further if you would like to rest.“

"I thought the rebellion didn't have the luxury of time," he quipped, "I'm fine." He wasn’t going to reveal anything to her.

"Even so," Chae insisted, "I feel like regular medical checkups could be good for you, we want you to remain healthy. This is a tall order we have given you, we can't expect you to bear everything alone. I don’t want you to feel like it’s too much pressure, but everything does depend on you. We need to keep you strong for the fights that are ahead.”

"I am fine," Jinyoung insisted. He knew how dangerous it would be to reveal anything to her. It did seem like her concerns were genuine but his friends thought someone was working against him within the district. He didn’t want to make a mistake.

"I am glad that you are doing fine,” Chae said, "but if you feel run down at all, people here will help you. The people around here feel a great debt to you because of all you've done. We’ve waited 75 years for a chance and 75 years for someone who could unite us. In those 75 years I am sure no one thought that our savior would come in the form of a young brash boy like yourself, but no one can predict such things. I just want you to know that we have your best interests at heart and want to make sure you have everything you need.”

He didn't understand why his actions mattered as much as she claimed, it was difficult to grasp but it sounded like she was sincerely concerned. He didn’t believe the current state of rebellion was all because of himself. The people were waiting for a chance, hungry for a way to break away from Yang’s cruelty. And while keeping up with his medical health sounded fine he didn’t like the way she had put it.

“What you can do for me,” Jinyoung had a request he needed to make sure she heard, “is put me on the team that goes in to save Jaebum.” If she was offering him whatever he wanted as payment for what he’d done he would ask for the only thing he wanted.

“That is something we will have to discuss with the council,” she said, “but I’ll consider it. Take care Jinyoung, we’re all counting on you.” She smiled and walked away and he wondered why she was being so acquiescent to the idea of giving him what he wanted. He hoped it did benefit him in the end.

He walked along the balcony on the main hall and saw his father with a group of other doctors walking quickly. It seemed he could literally take this time alone since everyone else was so busy. His head hurt bad, he wished again that he could go above ground and realized he’d just had a good opportunity to ask and he’d let it slip away. He wondered where Mark was and if Mark would help him in his quest.

He walked down into the hall so he could see the business of the others first hand and decided maybe Chae was right about checkups and maybe he could see his dad if he got one. He headed towards the hospital wing, the direction his dad had gone in, with determination. He knew there was a danger in going that way, there was always a danger in treading close to the main issue at hand. The tension, the pain, it all echoed back to those choices he’d made but he believed he was strong enough not to give in. 

When Jinyoung walked in he kept strength up and asked for a checkup, not the substance. Maybe that was part of the reason he’d decided to go. He wanted to see his father and he wanted to prove to himself that he was strong enough to handle the things he’d gone through. It was scary being so close but he felt like he had to test his own limits. He knew that he could resist it’s hold on him and that he could make it without it. 

He was admitted into a medical room where a series of tests were run on him. One of the doctors asked him questions about his missions and one of the nurses showed great care in how she spoke to him. He felt strange as they looked at him with strange expressions. He asked about his father and they said he was busy at another part of the base helping with someone who’d been injured. He realized one of his purposes for being there meant nothing after all.

He endured the doctor's questions and different checks and procedures. Some of them he understood. He recognized when they checked his heart rate and they explained what it was they were doing and what they were looking for. They checked his lungs and used different instruments to measure his blood readings. Jinyoung wondered if they would say anything about the substance he knew was in his system but they didn’t. They’d prescribed it to him and he realized there was good reason that they wouldn’t see anything odd with him having it. That thought left Jinyoung feeling uneasy about his own decision. They’d prescribed it, but they weren’t wrong as to why. He did have issues with anxiety and with panic, and what they’d done was given a way out they must have thought was the right way.

When he was discharged he felt much more tired that he had when he’d arrived. They declared him fine and fit for the missions he was set to go on, so he guessed he was. Jinyoung started to head back to his quarters because he was starting to feel more and more drowsy. He believed that he should the opportunity to sleep. He needed sleep, sleep was a good way to shut down his racing mind and calm the beating of his heart. And sleep came eerily fast for him, in no time at all.

—————

“Jinyoung, wake up.” 

His whole body felt numb. He couldn’t just push out of it. He was under, like he was under water. It was a weight over him that was crushing, impossible to escape from. Being trapped inside his own mind should have been terrifying but something was in the way. Something wasn’t letting him feel fear despite the pain of the weight over him he was calm. He knew that calm, he’d sought it out before and he knew it was nothing more than a lie. 

“Wake up,” a different voice called out to him desperately. 

He tried to move a bit but it was painful, it was a struggle to feel his bones as he tried to lift his muscles. He could feel something coursing through his body, maybe that was his blood pumping. He could feel it from his shoulders to his fingertips, from his hips to his toes. He could feel that they were there but when he tried to move them they were heavy like he had no control over his own limbs. He tried to open his eyes but they were locked doors he couldn’t open. Somehow he registered that he needed to open his eyes, that was the thought that filled every part of his being.

“Jinyoung, please wake up.” 

He struggled and fought against the weight and when he was able to open his eyes, he saw his dad and Jin both of them had worry on their faces. He didn’t understand why they were worried, there was no room for fear in his mind. He wanted to keep sleeping because it hurt to be awake. Why? He didn’t care he wanted sleep. His body felt like it was going slack again and he closed his eyes.

“Jinyoung don’t go to sleep!” His dad’s voice called to pull him out but he struggled to listen. He felt himself being lifted into a sitting position, he leaned on his dad heavily and he was lucid enough to recognize him. He couldn’t wake up, it hurt that he tried so hard yet couldn’t do it. He didn’t know what was going on and his mind couldn’t formulate a reason.

“Where did he go today?” His dad asked Jin, “we shouldn’t have let him be alone, I told him to stay here.” Jinyoung could barely register their words but he could register the fact that they were worried.

“We both know what this is,” Jin said softly.

"Wake up," his father sounded frightened as he shook Jinyoung but Jinyoung’s mind and body wouldn’t obey. He really tried hard but everytime he tried it was like he was being pulled back under. He had to try again but it was as if something was holding him down, holding him inside himself. He needed to push up through it but it had too strong of a hold on him.

"Do you think he took too much?" Jin asked, "he seems slightly coherent."

Took too much? Jinyoung realized suddenly what they were talking about and what it was he felt. 

“Give me my bag, we can test it," his father replied urgently. 

He was coherent enough to understand what they were going to test, and he knew it matched what he felt. It felt like the drugs were in his system, he knew the feeling but it was more intense. It didn’t make any sense, he hadn’t taken anymore than the dose his father had allowed. He didn't have them and he didn't go get them to take more. He didn't take them. He knew that much, he was sure of it. He felt the sharp prick of a needle in his arm. He shook, the memory of a knife in his arm flashed through his head. 

“Jinyoung please wake up,” Jin asked him again, but it didn’t matter how many times they asked. Jinyoung could only get as far as hearing them, he couldn’t get his body to fully respond. It was like he’d taken more than ever when he’d taken nothing. It made no sense.

“Shit,” his dad hissed, “he had a higher blood level than he did when he went missing, when he nearly overdosed.”

No, that wasn’t right. He didn’t take it, _he didn’t take anything._

“Do you think he tried to overdose?” Jin asked.

Jinyoung wanted to shout, to find a way to say he hadn’t. He kept trying but all that came from his mouth was the breaths he tried to use to speak.

“No,” his dad said, “but he took more than last time, you know what happened yesterday and how much emotional stress he’s been under. We need to find where he is hiding them.” 

He wasn’t hiding anything, he didn’t take anything. He succeeded in opening his eyes again in an attempt to respond to what his father was saying. His breathing increased pace, he was scared about what was happening. He didn’t understand how it had happened, how they could be in his system when he’d done nothing.

“Jinyoung why did you do this?” His father asked, “why?” He sounded so hurt, so frightened. Jinyoung hadn’t done it because he knew how much it hurt those around him. He didn’t want to hurt himself or those people, he just wanted to get better. He’d made it clear that he wanted to get better but somehow they’d come back to mess with him again.

“I didn’t... take it,” Jinyoung was able to get words out but it was so difficult to try. He knew they were right that he had it in his system because he could feel it but he didn’t take it. His mind was trying to awaken and trying to make connections when he remembered he’d gone to the hospital. But he hadn’t taken anything at the hospital, he hadn’t take anything, they didn’t give him anything. He couldn’t remember if they’d offered him anything.

“Jinyoung don’t lie to me,” his dad’s voice sounded broken. “Please, please Jinyoung-ah, why are you doing this?” 

Tears filled Jinyoung’s eyes as he was able to keep his eyes open to look at his father. He didn’t want to have a conversation where his father did not believe him. He wanted to be able to say what he knew was true and see that his father knew he was being honest. He didn’t want to fight again, he didn’t want to lie again but his father wouldn’t listen. He should have known what had happened to repair their broken relationship was nothing more than a glass house, it was so easily shattered. All the progress they made was gone in an instant and it wasn’t because of something he’d done.

His father would never really trust him again after the lies he’d told. He’d never believe in him again. Just like when Jinyoung was a child and his father had turned away he would abandon him again. Jinyoung knew it, he felt that in his heart. And that thought became overwhelming as the drugs began to wrap their hands around him and pull him under again. 

“Jinyoung, don’t sleep,” his father begged him, “you can’t sleep. Jinyoung—!” 

He couldn’t fight it, it would win everytime. He couldn’t feel anything but the strength of the despairing thoughts in his mind and the pull of a demon he couldn’t defeat. 

“He was so upset after what happened with Jaebum,” Jin said, “we should have made sure none of this would have happened again. I am sorry I should have been here to stop this from happening again.”

“I... didn’t take it,” Jinyoung said again as best he could.

“We need to find where he hid them,” Jin said, “If they’re not here we’ll search the other place and more.” They weren’t listening to him, that made him push harder against the pull. He was upset that they weren’t hearing the words he was saying. They were ignoring what he was trying to tell them. 

“You won’t find them,” Jinyoung pushed out the words with all the strength he had he fought for them, “I didn’t take them... I don’t have them.”

“I’ll get the others on it,” Jin said, completely ignoring him. Jinyoung began to wonder if he really had spoken or if he’d just imagined the words in his mind. He wondered if he’d lost the rest of his strength and if they couldn’t hear him anymore.

“Dad, please,” Jinyoung whispered, he couldn’t understand why they weren’t responding. He was fighting for every second of awareness he had. But then he realized that he wanted to sleep, he wanted to go under. So he ignored their protests and he let the substance take him.

…

When he woke up again, all the pain was there but Jinyoung fully felt his body release him from the hold that he’d been unable to break before. He breathed as he felt strength returning to his limbs and to his mind, like he could fully be awake again and it was a feeling of relief. He took a series of deep breaths to try to recalibrate himself to the feeling. Jinyoung opened his eyes wide and took every breath like he had been afraid that he wouldn’t breathe again. He became aware that someone was in the unit with him, probably his dad and no one else. 

Every thought he’d had came rushing back to him and he knew exactly what was coming. They were going to fight and there was nothing he could do to avoid it because no matter what he said his father wouldn’t believe him. Everything they had built was destroyed by one action Jinyoung hadn’t even taken. Since he was more aware, he had a suspicion about what really happened and the fact that he couldn’t prove it was frightening.

He felt heartbroken as he turned and his dad and saw the older man had set out three pill bottles. He didn’t know why there would be three. There were two that his dad had for the purpose of detoxing his body of them, the one he had been taking and the extra one he got from the nurses to help him get off it. The third one was a mystery to him and he wondered suddenly if he had been set up by someone. Whoever his enemies were, it seemed they knew that he’d made progress to escape whatever plot they’d laid out. They wanted to destroy the trust everyone had built and leave him isolated once again. He was scared because he realized they had succeeded so easily.

“Jinyoung, why?” His father asked, “why would you keep doing this to us? You said you wanted help, you wanted to get better. So why?” He knew the implications, he knew the heaviness of it all. He felt trapped, scared because he couldn’t explain it fully. He only had suspicions, he had no evidence of what was happening to him.

“Dad I didn’t do it,” he said. He lifted a hand to his head to try and chase away the headache at his temples. He felt terrible and he wished that there was a way to make it go away just long enough for him to get through the conversation in front of him.

“Jackson found this bottle in the ventilation area,” his father said, “close by where you had hidden them before.”

“I didn’t put it there,” Jinyoung said, he knew how bad it looked and he had to find a way to make his dad trust his word. “I didn’t take it again, I swear.”

Jinyoung saw clearly that the older man didn’t believe him and he clenched his fists.

“You still insist on telling lies and putting your own life in danger,” his father said, “it was in your system, you left here and we couldn’t find you. When we came back here, you wouldn’t wake up. I tested you and you had them in your system. Why are you doing this? I told you to be honest when you were struggling. You have so many of us on your side here to help you. I love you Jinyoung, please!” 

“Dad, I am not lying to you. I went to the hospital,” Jinyoung said, and he saw his dad’s expression change. He knew what the old man was thinking. “I didn’t go to get more drugs!” He got defensive. “I didn’t do it! I went to get a checkup because I wanted to see you, but you weren’t there!”

“There was no record of you being there today,” His father countered his statements, “I check the records every evening. Why would you keep lying about this when your lies are so blatant?” 

Jinyoung shook his head in desperation and sat up, “I wasn’t there for the drugs!” he shouted, “I don’t know about the records but I was there! That’s the truth! Ask the doctors, they know I was there! Whatever happened it was their fault, they must have done something to me! I didn’t take anything, you have to believe me!” He didn’t know what else he could do but to keep trying to make his father see that he was being honest. It was Chae, it was all her fault. She’d put the idea in his head to get a checkup and he’d gone, he’d listened. It was clear to him that she was responsible. 

“You keep adding more and more lies to this,” his dad said. Tears filled his eyes and he shook his head again. How was he going to get out of it? He knew that no one would believe him because he’d lied before. His own mistakes would be his undoing once again and he couldn’t do anything to get anyone to see that he was telling the truth. His lies had been too good before.

“Dad please,” Jinyoung began to beg his father, “please, I didn’t do it, it must have been something they did to me. Please believe me, please, please.” He just wanted his dad to hold him again and tell him it was going to be okay. He didn’t want his father to push him away because of the mistakes he’d made. 

“I can’t believe you Jinyoung, as much as I would like to,” he replied. “You have proven yourself to be a liar over and over again. You’ve hurt yourself because of the stress you’re under and you’re doing it again. To protect you, I can’t believe you.” He wasn’t wrong, Jinyoung had lied and he’d did all he could to make his lies believable. He’d made the choice and he’d caused what was happening to him and his father continued to speak. “We all know how much you’re hurting, how much you’ve lost but you can’t keep doing this.” His dad stood up as if to leave and reached Jinyoung grabbed his hand in his desperation. He pulled his dad’s hand to himself, just wanting to hold on. He just wanted his father to stop fighting and hold him.

“You don’t understand how much you are hurting everyone,” his dad said, “all your friends, your brother. We thought we could trust you.”

“You can trust me,” Jinyoung pleaded and cried and began to sob because he couldn’t find a way to get his dad to see that he was telling the truth. His father pulled his hand from Jinyoung’s grasp and walked out on him. 

Jinyoung felt sick with a sudden overwhelming dread. How could he fix it? He couldn’t. He couldn’t do it anymore. What did it matter how hard he’d fought to be free when it could all be destroyed in an instant? He got up from where he was and he ran, from the unit from those who stood outside of it. His father yelled after him but he didn’t care. He ran up away as fast as he could, he needed out.

He couldn’t see any other way out but to keep running. He would run and run and run until he could be so far away that he would never have to face the pain again. That he would never have to face the accusation and the disappointment. He wanted to run away from the pressure and the loneliness he felt from having so much placed on his shoulders. He was still just a kid, still just a 19 year old kid trying to figure things out, of course no one would believe him. No one wanted him for any other reason then to tear him apart.

“Jinyoung!” Someone called his name and he could hear fast footsteps behind him. Someone was running after him and whoever it was, they were moving fast. He kept running, he didn’t want to play the game that he’d been placed him. He didn’t want anyone to stop him as he wanted to get away from the pain and everything that he’d never wanted.

The footsteps got closer and Jinyoung tried run faster. He couldn’t outrun whoever chased after him and they grabbed him by his bicep, causing him to stumble backwards. The person’s arms went around him and pulled him close to their chest.

“No,” Jinyoung thrashed against their grip, “let me go, just let me go!” The arms around him were strong and he realized he recognized them. He wanted to get away from him. 

“Jinyoung stop it!” Jackson shouted back at him, “just stop it, stop running.”

“No,” Jinyoung squirmed as he tried to fight against Jackson’s grip, “let me go, please!” He wanted to get out of the base, out of 13, out of this nightmare. He wanted to run and run until no one could come after him ever again. He was done trying to fight, done trying to carry the war. He was so sick of being pulled in every direction and he just wanted to get away…

“Jinyoung I’m not going to let go,” Jackson responded calmly as he took deep breaths from the running, “you can’t run away from everything. We want to help you, I want to help you. Please, God, Jinyoung, let me help you!” 

Why was he so insistent? Jinyoung didn’t want his help, he’d never wanted Jackson’s help, yet Jackson had tried to push himself into Jinyoung’s life since the day they met. He’d never given up on on trying to befriend Jinyoung no matter how much Jinyoung had tried to push him away. Just like Jinyoung couldn’t push away from the desperate vice he held him in that moment.

“I can’t stay here,” Jinyoung cried, there was a ton of attention on him. People were walking by and watching him, he didn’t want it. They were always watching him and he was so tired of it. Why did everyone have to always watch his every move? Why didn’t they just leave him alone? He wanted to run, but there was nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. People would always find him and it didn’t matter what he said or did, no one would believe him. They wouldn’t believe him even though he didn’t do anything wrong. He was trying to get better, he had been listening to them. He’d wanted to get better. It had been a battle for every moment but he fought every urge because he wanted to get better. Yet it didn’t matter, nothing he did ever mattered.

He couldn’t save anyone, he couldn’t change anything. He just made everything worse even when he was trying his best to make it better. He couldn’t even shoot straight because of the drug withdrawals. Everything was failing him and no one could understand what it was he was going through. He didn’t want their help if they were just going to make it worse. He just got his dad back and he lost him again.

“Let me go,” Jinyoung begged again, “please.” He was loosing strength to keep fighting and that was what scared him the most. Because he knew he was about to give up, to stop trying to fix himself.

“I’m not letting go Jinyoung,” Jackson said, “please come back with me, we’ll fix this. I promise we’ll find a way to fix this.” Jinyoung almost believed him, but it was too late. No one could fix the mess that he’d made of his own body. No one could stop his enemies with what they’d done to him.

“You can’t fix anything,” Jinyoung cried, “no one believes me. I just want to go home.” He couldn’t go home, they’d bombed his home and destroyed the village. He couldn’t go back because it was dangerous and the leaders of 13 wanted him there. They would never let him go home. If he asked they would tell him no but it was all he wanted.

“I want to go home,” he said again quieter. He knew what he meant was more than 12, was that his home was Jaebum. Home was where he and Jaebum had spent their days fighting to get him back after the arena and the trauma that followed. He wanted to go back to District 12, to Jaebum’s house where he could remember. Where he could stay in the echo of Im Jaebum, where he could feel safe. It was their fortress, their safe haven in the dark and he wanted it back so badly. Maybe Jackson would be desperate enough for his friendship to help him. Maybe that was his answer.

“Please,” Jinyoung turned around in Jackson’s arms and clung to him, “take me home. I can’t stay here, I need to go home.” He finally had a gauge on one thing he wanted so desperately. Something that was right in front of him, that he could obtain.

“Jinyoung we can’t—” Jackson began to deny him what it was he wanted.

“We have to,” he begged, “I want to go back home. Please, Jackson please, you’re the only one that can help me. Please!” He grabbed at Jackson’s arms that were still around him and Jackson tensed. Jinyoung could tell that he was trying to think of the consequences. He didn’t know what would happen if they did go but Jinyoung felt it was worth the risk. It was worth any risk to get what it was he wanted.

“Please,” Jinyoung asked again. He looked into Jackson’s eyes and begged him for his help. Jackson, who had been there on his side for so long and who wanted Jinyoung to trust him. Jinyoung realized in that moment that he did trust Jackson. He knew that Jackson, out of all of those he knew, would give him what he wanted.

“Okay,” Jackson gave in to him, “I’ll take you to 12.” Jinyoung nodded as he felt relief that Jackson was going to help, “but we’ll need Jin and Namjoon—” Jinyoung shook his head, he didn’t want them just Jackson. They would try to stop him. They were the ones who definitely would stop him and hold him back. Jin didn’t believe him and that meant that Namjoon wouldn’t either.

“Please don’t tell anyone else,” Jinyoung cried and shook his head, “they don’t believe me. Please just you, just you.”

“Okay,” Jackson responded without hesitation, “come with me, we’ll go now.” Jackson let go of him then moved his hand to grab Jinyoung’s. Jackson walked and led him forward. Eyes were still on him but Jackson seemed to block people’s view of him with his own body. He could tell the other boy was determined to give Jinyoung a way out, a freedom that Jinyoung so needed and that determination was surprising. Jackson took him to one of the back hangars where there weren’t many people. Jinyoung had never been to that hangar and no one seemed to pay them any mind. 

Jackson led Jinyoung to one of the smaller hovercrafts, where they just walked on and no one stopped them. Jinyoung was surprised how easy it was. Jackson took the pilot seat and began to configure the craft for flight. Jinyoung wondered if Jackson had ever flown before, he seemed confident in what he was doing like he had experience. Jinyoung wondered when he had and if he’d learned when he came to 13 or if he knew before. Jinyoung strapped into the seat next to Jackson and clenched his fists. 

A radio came through as the ship came online and someone asked why there were taking the craft out. Jackson turned it off in response and immediately accelerated out of the hangar. Jinyoung felt his heart pounding and his body racing as he realized they were really about to fly to district 12. Jackson focused as he moved the craft fast.

“Why? Why did you agree?” Jinyoung asked him. He was glad Jackson had taken control of the situation and given in to Jinyoung’s request but he didn’t understand why.

“I want you to know I am on your side,” Jackson responded, “and I know you’ve been through hell. If this is what you want then why shouldn’t you be able to have it?” 

Jinyoung looked out the window and wondered about it. Everyone else in his life seemed to resist the things he wanted. JYP had taken him away from Jaebum, Chae knew where Jaebum was but wouldn’t rescue him. He wanted his father’s trust but it was broken so easily by one moment. Jin and Namjoon seemed to be so overprotective that he felt like he couldn’t breathe around them. No one had asked him what he needed to get through the pressure he was under. They’d just treated him like he was about to shatter. Jackson was different and Jinyoung was surprised by him.

It didn’t take long for them to land in district 12. Jackson landed the craft in the victors village, near the two houses that stood amidst the destruction of the district and lowered the ramp. Jinyoung took a deep breath as he took in the ruins of the other houses in the village. He could still smell the ash in the air. What had happened stuck with him, knowing what Yang could choose to do to any district in seconds. Seeing it hurt but he blocked it out from his mind. He looked his house and to Jaebum’s home and in that moment he fully realized why he needed to be there.

“I’m staying with you,” Jackson told him, “no protests, you’re not going to hang out here alone.” 

Jinyoung just nodded in response, he didn’t expect Jackson to leave. They walked out and Jinyoung tried to ignore the sights of the destruction. Jackson had never seen it before and Jinyoung heard him gasp as he took it all in. Looking up, there was ash all over the hills, everything was burned except for the forest beyond the fence. So many people had died in the destruction and Jinyoung still felt like it was all his fault.

“The ones left standing are yours?” Jackson asked, momentarily distracting Jinyoung from the emotions that were weighing on him.

“I spent more time at Jaebum’s than my own after I won the games,” Jinyoung admitted, “it’s the first one.” 

Jackson’s gaze fell on the aforementioned building. He had lived in a victors village in District 4 after his wins, he knew how it was to be given a house and luxury which could never make up for the trauma they had been put through. Jinyoung walked up the stairs to the door of Jaebum’s house like he had so many times before. This time was different because Jaebum wasn’t there. 

The door was always unlocked because Jaebum was never afraid of thieves. If anyone ventured out towards the victors village, he always let them have whatever they wanted. The luxury the victors lived in was more than they could ever need and Jinyoung knew that. Yet, it wasn’t enough to make a difference for the districts. They couldn’t use their wealth to feed the people because they didn’t have enough to help everyone. It was frustrating and there were times Jinyoung felt helpless.

He stepped through the entryway of the house that he had lived in before things got horrible. The dust everywhere had gotten thicker since the last time he had been there, when he’d found out Jaebum was alive. Yang hand known he would go back then. Cobwebs stuck out in many of the corners of the house, it looked almost mummified with the time missing it’s inhabitants.

“Looks like a place Jaebum would live,” Jackson commented as they walked into the living room, “he always traded for books when he was in the Capitol.” 

There were shelves of books all around the room. Jaebum had quite the collection set up and organized in his main room. Jinyoung had spent hours on the couches with books in hand. Part of the time he’d spent with Jaebum by his side walking him through the in’s and out’s of certain books as he taught Jinyoung how to read and appreciate the works.

“He taught me to read,” Jinyoung said. Those moments were memories he cherished. His worst days had led him to Jaebum’s arms and Jaebum had led him out of the dark. Jaebum told him reading would help to keep his mind off the memories that kept him in a constant state of fear. That had been correct. Reading had brought him into new worlds and places where he could clear his mind of darker thoughts. 

“I remember the first games when you said you couldn’t read,” Jackson responded.   
The comment indicated that Jackson had watched closely enough to remember details about Jinyoung. Where as the other victors had watched their own tributes in the games, Jinyoung had never had to do that. “What was it like,” Jinyoung wanted to know about it, “years watching tributes you tried to help go to die?” 

Jinyoung was thankful he’d never had to do it but he wanted to know how Jaebum felt watching him. Jaebum who’d told him that he would protect him and keep him alive. He’d done all he could and given Jinyoung every chance to succeed. And when he’d brought him back he’d held on to him and for the first time Jinyoung wondered if Jaebum loved him from the beginning. The way he’d behaved towards him as Jinyoung thought of it with a new perspective he wondered if Jaebum hid behind his agenda. If he helped Jinyoung from the beginning because he really cared about him.

“Watching tributes die is hell,” Jackson said, “absolute hell.” 

Jinyoung never forgot how Jaebum had first acted to him and Sana. So guarded, unwilling to care about anything or get invested in them. It had changed so fast and Jinyoung had been confused when Jaebum started helping them. He seemed to want to be close to Jinyoung, he wanted Jinyoung to trust him.

“I didn’t do it alone,” Jackson continued, “there were others with me who were also mentors that I could vent to. I never envied Jaebum, the lone victor in a district that only ever had one.” 

Jaebum was alone for so long, he’d been alone. Jinyoung had never fully realized what his win had meant to Jaebum. For the first time Jaebum wasn’t alone because Jinyoung had returned to him and relied on him. It felt like fate had pulled them together, like lovers in the books he’d read. 

“He told me to accept death when I was reaped,” Jinyoung said, “but he changed his tune as soon as he learned I could shoot.” Jinyoung knew that was simplifying it, but at the time it was what Jinyoung had thought. He’d never considered the way Jaebum really had behaved towards him. The way the elder had smiled at him.

“Bows are powerful, it would have made a huge difference if you had gotten it earlier…” Jackson said but his voice trailed down, like he knew how hard it was for Jinyoung to talk about it. 

Everyone did that, they stopped talking about subjects they felt were too hard for Jinyoung to face. Jaebum had never done that, he’d always made Jinyoung talk out how he was feeling and asked Jinyoung directly about the things he knew affected him. Jinyoung was tired of people treating him like he was fragile. He was tired of them being careful around him because of the panic and the fear. He just wanted someone to stop treating him like he was already broken.

“Jaebum was never really scared to talk through things,” Jinyoung said, deciding to bring it up, “say whatever you want. I am sick and tired of people acting like I am am too fragile to handle if people say what they really mean. Not talking about it is worse than dancing around it, like ignoring it will make it go away.” He couldn’t make things go away just because he wanted them to. 

“I know the feeling,” Jackson replied, “my parents were very careful when I came back. There was no way I could be the same and they were constantly afraid to do something that would make me hurt more.” 

Jinyoung realized then that he knew nothing about Jackson. He didn’t even think about Jackson having a family somewhere. It seemed so many of the victors lost those they loved, like Jaebum’s parents left him. “Where are they now?” he asked, afraid the answer would be that they were gone. 

“I made them leave,” Jackson responded, “Yang will use anything you love against you, so I pushed them away so they could be safe. It was better that they not be around me. They live with my aunt and uncle in district 4. I haven’t seen them in over a year.” Jackson seemed to have always been careful with those he cared about. He wouldn’t even admit that he loved Taeyeon in the arena and acted fully as her enemy until she switched sides. 

“You told me in the games that love was dangerous,” Jinyoung recalled. Jackson had lived that statement and that was why he said it. He truly knew how dangerous it was to have people he cared about close to him. So he pushed them away for their own safety.

“It always has been,” Jackson said, “and I know you understand this more because Yang is using Jaebum against you.” 

Jinyoung breathed deeply, for the first time he felt like there was someone he could be honest with. Someone who understand the things he felt. Someone who also loved someone he was forced to walk into an arena with.

“I don’t know what to do,” Jinyoung confessed. They sat next to each other on one of the couches and Jackson reached over to grasp his hand as Jinyoung struggled to find the words to say. “I don’t know how to respond… how to really… I just want him back so bad and I know that this isn’t the way. I am scared if I don’t try to rescue him soon that I’m going to lose my chance.”

“There is no easy answer,” Jackson replied, “there never could be.”

“I want him here,” Jinyoung said with tears in his eyes. He was scared sometimes with how badly he wanted and needed Jaebum. It was like that need consumed him. “But I don’t want to do the wrong thing and I just feel like everyone is making my decisions for me. They keep telling me that I can’t… it’s like they think I can get over Jaebum and move on. I can’t explain it, but it feels like everyone has a hand in this game and I’m a pawn caught in the middle with no way to move from where I am.”

“You’re much more than that,” Jackson replied, “and their opinions about you and your life don’t matter—” 

“You think I’m the king then?” Jinyoung interrupted, “and what does that make you?” He wanted to know where Jackson had always stood in their fight. He didn’t want to talk about Jaebum because he was scared Jackson would echo the looks the others had given him. No one had said it out loud but everyone was hoping he’d move on and forget because if he did they wouldn’t have to try and rescue someone out of reach. 

“I am your knight,” Jackson said, “I swore to protect you even if protecting you required me to hurt you.” 

Jinyoung was still haunted by that night and those actions and it did influence how he treated Jackson. It was unfair of him but he still had to work through what it was Jackson had been forced to do. “You wanna know what that felt like?” Jinyoung asked him, wanting Jackson to understand the reason why Jinyoung had struggled to let him in.

“I already know,” Jackson replied, “being betrayed is hell, it is the worst pain I’d ever felt in my life. I never wanted to fight in the arena, I wanted to make friends. My mentors didn’t know what to do with me because, while I understood what it was the games wanted us to do, I didn’t understand why it couldn’t be different. I hoped if I made friends that we would fight together instead of against each other. That we could beat the Capitol at their own game by refusing to kill each other. I never fully grasped the idea that friends could really turn on each other when the cannon sounded. I thought we could resist it, end it. But they did turn on me, and they did try to kill me.” There were tears in Jackson’s eyes as he spoke. “I was forced to kill them to stay alive, and I think I lost a part of myself that day.

“I knew how betrayal felt so well to a point where I could make you feel how I felt—” Jackson interrupted himself to say more, “that’s one of the reasons everyone knew I could play that role in our plot to get you out. I knew exactly how to do it and how to scare you to where your reaction would be the realest possible thing. I didn’t want to but I had to. Yang couldn’t know what I had really done to you when I pulled the tracker from your arm.”

“Thank you,” Jinyoung chose to say the words he knew wouldn’t make it better, but he felt them nonetheless, “you did everything the way you needed to.” Jackson’s actions had saved his life. Even if he’d seen it differently at the time he couldn’t deny it in the aftermath.

“I only wish there was some way I could have changed it,” Jackson replied, “I shouldn’t have left you there alone after—”

“Nothing that happened after was your fault,” Jinyoung interrupted, they all had the habit of blaming themselves. He guessed it was just part of being human, though he really thought he deserved the blame others always told him that he didn’t.

“And Jaebum’s choices weren’t your fault,” Jackson told him and Jinyoung shook his head. 

“I wish I could believe that,” Jinyoung responded. Jaebum was gone because he’d wanted to save Jinyoung above all. Jinyoung blamed himself for being unable to fight with Jaebum instead of being down without a way to fight back. He always thought of what he could do to change things. He always wondered if he could have helped Jaebum or held on a little tighter in the end.

“It’s hard to turn off the thoughts of what if, what if I’d just done things a different,” Jackson said what he was thinking. Jinyoung nodded in response.

“I guess, since we can’t change the past, we can only make better choices moving forward,” Jinyoung said, even though he still didn’t feel like he knew how to move forward. He wanted to speak like he did understand. The past scared him because he feared he’d make the same mistakes again. Like if he didn’t hold on to this one chance to get Jaebum back that he’d lose it forever.

“You can’t chose to trust Yang for anything,” Jackson replied, as if he could see what Jinyoung was thinking, “not for any reason. He has always offered gifts and mercy but it’s always laced with poison.”

“I know,” Jinyoung agreed, “he uses the things we love against us.” He had a realization about the way Jackson spoke of it, “what did he use them against you for?” Jackson raised his eyebrows, “Yang clearly threatened your parents but for what reason.” He was curious as to the fight Jackson had faced.

“He did,” Jackson said, “I wasn’t the only one who experienced the things that Yang did. The games didn’t end after that arena like I’d hoped it would. Yang found ways to make wealth from us, cruel ways to mess with us for his own again…” 

Jinyoung suddenly knew how, the same way Jaebum was threatened and he refused till he had nothing left. Yang tore everything away from him because he refused to give up every last piece of himself.

“He…,” Jinyoung struggled with finding words to say about what happened, “who else did he do this too?” He was horrified but he knew Yang tortured kids in arenas. It wasn’t difficult to see that he was a monster. Of course he would torture them in other ways.

“He threatened my parents, said he’d kill them if I didn’t do as I was told,” Jackson said, his voice sounded sadder than Jinyoung had ever heard it, “and I gave in. I let him sell my body to whoever would pay, in whatever way they wanted. The same thing happened to Taeyeon, Yang threatened her sisters and she gave in. We met during trips to the Capitol when we were called upon almost monthly to fulfill whatever Yang had sold us for.” Tears rolled down his cheeks as he spoke.

“Who else?” Jinyoung asked. He had no doubt there were more than a few involved. He knew it had happened to Jaebum, so it had happened to others. He realized he didn’t know when he started crying for them too but his eyes stung. The knowledge of what Yang had done was sickening.

“Jisoo,” Jackson said, “she was a personal favorite of several very wealthy businessmen. Hyolyn too, I always saw her in the Capitol. Then there was Jin, Jin fought back so hard but Yang broke him down too. Took his mother and held a knife to her throat to make Jin agree.” Jinyoung put a hand over his mouth as he had trouble containing his emotions imagining it. “Taecyeon,” Jackson kept going, “Sandara, Heechul. They all dealt with the same before us. Many of the older mentors tried to stop it from happening but there was no way out when Yang had leverage against someone.” So his allies were made of people Yang had hurt like that.

“What about Yoongi and Namjoon?” Jinyoung asked. If Yang had done it to Jin maybe he’d done the same to the other victors in 5.

“Jin would give his life for them,” Jackson responded, “he told Yang he would do whatever if Yang wouldn’t touch them. They didn’t know for a long time but Yoongi was taken by Yang for another reason.” Jinyoung looked at him inquisitively, “Yoongi was ripped out of district 5 a few years before the 74th, no one knew why for certain but Yang trained him as an assassin. Ripped him apart. That’s why he’s so cold.” It would have happened to Jinyoung too, he knew that. Yang always had leverage and he had so much of it where Jinyoung was concerned. It was almost as if the quarter quell had been a mercy.

“Yang mostly took things from us even when we did give in,” Jackson continued, “He was sadistic about seeing us in pain, that’s why I knew my parents couldn’t stay with me even though I was giving Yang everything. Jin’s family wasn’t really one of the exceptions just cause they lived. They had to live with the knowledge of what their son was doing for their lives. Jin’s father was a former addict who hadn’t used in years but he relapsed due to what was happening. Jin won’t talk about it if you ask, he prefers to push it away as if it didn’t happen.” Jinyoung had wondered how quickly Jin had identified his own lies. How easily Jin had caught on to what it was that he was doing.

“I forced my own parents out,” Jackson continued, “and gave Yang whatever he wanted to keep them safe. They were everything to me and I felt horrible. But what Jin dealt with at home broke him for a long time. He understands a lot and he always wanted so badly to help other victors. It’s why he took to you so fast and wanted the best for you.” It was exactly why Jin was able to help him.

Jin’s story with his dad made it all make sense in Jinyoung’s mind. His parents were so loving and they knew everything he had gone through. Jinyoung had done the same thing as Jin’s dad, used a drug to push all his pain away from himself. It brought him back to the truth to Jinyoung’s mind that no matter how he’d begged, no one had believed in him. 

He couldn’t get past that thought once it hit his mind again.

In the midst of his own struggles he saw the others were all so broken in different ways. They all wanted to help him and he had pushed them all away so many times. He didn’t ever deserve their trust, so of course it didn’t take much to break it all down again. It fell apart quickly and easily by one hit of drugs he didn’t even take. He didn’t ingest anything while he was at the hospital and none of it made any sense. He couldn’t even tell for certain that he hadn’t taken it himself, what if he’d blanked out in those moments? That had happened before in the very house he sat in, in the room he was in with Jackson. So many times he’d blanked out to cope with the things that were to hard for him and Jaebum had helped him when he completely shut down. That could have been what happened but then it was still his fault.

He didn’t really want to talk about it. He leaned on Jackson, embraced him because he needed someone and Jackson responded by putting arms around him. Jackson’s arms were strong, not quite like Jaebum’s. It was still different but at the same time near enough that he felt at peace. Jackson and Jinyoung both had been on long painful paths in their lives but they were both learning to understand each other. Jinyoung realized in those moments that Jackson did believe him. He saw the truth as it was and he’d run away with Jinyoung because he knew that it was what Jinyoung needed. He was thankful that he had Jackson and for the first time he was beginning to see the older boy as a friend.

—————

Jinyoung was missing again.

In light of everything that had happened, Mark was very much afraid. He had tried to find him all over the base but had found nothing. He’d gotten in a fight with Youngmin over how the older man had handled the issue with the drugs. Whatever Jinyoung had done, he needed them to approach him with compassion instead of anger and frustration. He was hurting and if he had run to the drugs again it meant he needed his friends more than ever. Mark was always afraid when Jinyoung ran away.

It had happened once when they were kids. Jinyoung had vanished without a trace. Mark had searched the forest, the village and gone to his home to find Youngjae crying. Because Youngmin was gone as well. Youngmin had gotten so drunk and Jinyoung had begged him to stop but the older man had just gotten angry at him. Jinyoung ran away and Mark never did find him. He’d returned on his own with food for Youngjae and a smile on his face like nothing had happened. Sometimes he just needed to process things on his own. But he didn’t get that with everyone watching his every move. He didn’t get that since the drugs had come into his life and left everyone with a reason to keep an eye on him.

Mark was relieved when he found out that Jin had located Jinyoung and it all made sense once the news got back to them. Jinyoung had left the base with Jackson and they had stolen a hovercraft and flown away to district 12. It made sense for Jinyoung to run to a place that held a shadow of the things he wanted. Mark almost wanted him to stay there, where he could work out the things he was feeling, but they had to get him and bring him back. Nowhere was safe.

Namjoon had tried to launch on an operation to bring Jinyoung back but President Chae had not authorized any of them to go after him. She’d grounded all of them on strict orders that they were not allowed to leave the base and there was nothing that any of them could do about it. She had sent her own team, the only familiar face on it was Hani to pacify Jinyoung if he refused to come. Jackson was in the most trouble over what had happened. He had taken a craft out without authorization and would likely face time in the prisons for doing so. District 13 considered unauthorized actions to be crimes.

Things like that weren’t taken lightly no matter what the situation was or the reason. Things seemed to go from bad to worse. President Chae had declared she was re-evaluating Jinyoung’s fitness to be out in the field and that she wanted him evaluated by their doctors for his repeat disappearances. She knew quite a bit and Mark had a feeling that she had known all along what it was that her doctors were doing to Jinyoung. Mark hadn't been frightened by 13 until those moments. Hearing Chae’s orders he realized the plot against Jinyoung went so much further than he ever could have imagined. District 13 was dangerous and he and the others had allowed them to push and pull and Jinyoung for so long that he wasn't getting better. They allowed it all to happen.

When Jinyoung was brought back they would have to protect him. They would have to do everything differently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for continuing to read this story. The next chapter is called "I Am the Revolution" and it's where we turn up the heat and action in all the best ways.
> 
> Please leave a comment and a kudos if you can, this story has really low kudos compared to the others in the series and comments are always things I love. 
> 
> Thanks again for reading and showing this story love.


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